By CHRIS RASMUSSEN
Somebody report him for taunting.
It's that time of year when football fans have to choose between their child’s college fund or season tickets for the 4-12 Chiefs.
Carl Peterson is here to help.
The Chiefs drafted a “code of conduct” for its fans. Among the highlights:
“Intoxication or other signs of impairment” are discouraged. This eliminates 95 percent of the team’s fanbase, who need sedation after watching two punters duel for much of the game.
Standing and/or obstructing the view of other fans. This eliminates 100% of the team’s fan base after any exciting play.
Harassment of visiting team fans. This does not prevent visiting fans from taunting Chiefs fans, which is unilateral disarmament. Second, what constitutes harassment? Pointing to the scoreboard? Listing the number of felons on the Bengals? And isn’t there a certain assumption of risk that you might be harassed if, say, you show up in Raiders gear? Besides, most Raiders fans are on parole, indicating that they can take care of themselves while at the same time they have a vested interest that trash talking doesn’t escalate into a physical altercation.
Failing to follow instructions of stadium personnel. This presumably includes pretending that Brodie Croyle is ready to start at quarterback in the NFL.
Obscene or indecent clothing or signs. For GOD’S SAKE, do not wear a Jared Allen jersey.
Food is prohibited. No, you MAY NOT bring a hot dog or peanuts. It is required you wait in line for a half hour and pay eight times more for the same item that isn’t as hygienic.
And here’s the truly disturbing thing. In a nice twist, the Chiefs have set up a text messaging system so one can tattle on neighbors. It'll be neighbors turning in neighbors and family members turning in family members.
The '08 Chiefs: Come for the rebuilding, stay for the totalitarianism.
After all, they also have a Five Year Plan that never ends.