By CHRIS PACKHAM
I'm sorry that sombrero-wearing Mexican banditos broke into your office and stole your job. As a symbol of manufactured sympathy, I bought you this condolence card designed by illegal Mexican immigrants at Hallmark:
Now that Missouri Gov. Matt Blunt has signed an immigration bill into law requiring proof of citizenship for public benefits, including food stamps and housing, and mandating English-only commercial driver's license tests, maybe white America will once again be welcome down at the day labor office.
It's worth pointing out that where terrified bigots see a burgeoning population of criminals, even Kansas City's venerable Hallmark corporation sees a new market to expand its reach in indifferent expressions of sentiment for unimaginative people. After the jump, new race-based opportunities for revenue growth. Click here, or on this adorable Precious Moments card expressing our deepest sorrow on the occasion of the deportation of your wife:
Codebreaking: For a while, my lap-band surgery was working out really well. I was eating less, feeling full more quickly and losing a lot of weight. Naturally, seeing the world through the sexy, fat-free eyes of a person with a low body-mass index, I was enjoying more of Kansas City's night life. It's like a whole different world when your stomach doesn't hang below your shirt, catching all the food that drops out of your mouth and consequently attracting flies. What with all that salsa, buffalo sauce and chocolate syrup, I probably never would have had a social life if it weren't for my unbelievably powerful charisma and magnetic pheromones. Take it from your old pal, the sexxxy field of molecular biology: The ladies loves the pheromones.
Unfortunately, my clothes were now three sizes too large, and I had some concerns about adhering to the strict dress code at Kansas City's Power ampersand Light District, which specifically prohibits baggy clothing. Plus, my doctor says I have to wear Med-Alert jewelry to notify the paramedics about my color blindness — if I'm in a diabetic coma, how are they supposed to know? But I hate that ugly-ass Med-Alert jewelry, so I just bought a bunch of gold from CashAmerica Pawn and had it engraved with the words COLOR-BLIND and also RESUSCITATE IMMEDIATELY in case they thought I didn't want to be resuscitated. How'd all that work out? Unfortunately, when I tried to enter the District, Kevin Collison and Joyce Smith from The Kansas City Star were watching the entrances while working on this story, and the doormen were on their best egalitarian behavior. "I'm sorry, sir," the guard said to me, "but you're in violation of our dress code."
"BUT I'M WHITE!" I remember shouting, then, "ATTICA! ATTICA!" And then I passed out, because I'm supposed to inject myself with insulin before I drink a bunch of Red Bull. Long story short, while I was in the hospital, they had to remove the lap-band because there was a clog in the saline port, which turned out to be a bean which I'd somehow managed to get stuck in there (see diagram below).
Anyway, now it's back to Jenny Craig and doing step aerobics at Curves.
Bibley News Bureau: If I haven't mentioned it before, the KCTV Channel 5 news writers are the worst. I can't really explain why I'm so annoyed that a man in this story is referred to three times as "the Good Samaritan," other than that I hate the Bible. Not because I don't like Christianity; I just hate books and reading because the bulls were always trying to make us read fancy-pants Thomas Pynchon and Jacques "Stupid" Derrida back when I was in juvie, and I also have a hard and fast rule that I'll only deploy Bible-based cliches one time per story. "The Good Samaritan saw what was happening, and even though the man turned the gun on him, the Good Samaritan fought him off and chased him away." That one sentence is absolutely the best at being the worst. And I'm totally grateful that the kid in the story didn't get snatched, so don't even start with me, you guys.
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Article bookmarked and shared on facebook, I�ll post my feedback on my profile nicely
Does the thought really count when a reasonable reader (by which I mean me) can't tell what the hell thought it is that Trevor's trying to communicate?
Trevor, based on past experience with Babelfish, I suspect that "Lo siento una haba consegu�egado en su tubo salino" actually means something like, "Condolence the bean you clog saline passage." But it's definitely the thought that counts.
nice post.
i am really angry at Blunt for pushing this fake bill. Its all for re election purposes, pandering to the haters.
Here is what Talboy said about the bill:
"This bill is not the sweeping change the governor is touting. This bill simply reiterates many currently existing laws. We have no sanctuary cities in Missouri and I have a hard time believing voters in any city would authorize such a proposal. Human trafficking for purposes of indentured servitude, drug distribution and prostitution is already illegal. In fact, the provision refers to the corresponding laws already on the books. Further, we already have laws requiring a defined list of documents and proof of citizenship to obtain a Drivers License that were put in place after 9/11.
This bill doesn't address any problems related to immigration other than lenient penalties against those who are knowingly breaking the law with hiring practices. What this bill really accomplishes is a further perpetuation of unfair stereotypes of Latinos legally in Missouri. While still in the Governors office a former Chief of Staff has further perpetuated the idea. At a Missouri Housing Development Commission meeting he made the statement "I'll tell you what's available to every developer in order to figure out who's illegal. When there's a bunch of Mexicans out there, there's probably some of them who are not legal."
DAYUM, that was entertaining! Well done and Babel Fish tells me that, "Lo siento una haba consegu�egado en su tubo salino." means I am sorry a bean got stuck in your saline tube.
I am glad that there truly is something capable of reaching across the aisle...even if it is apparently limited to fat jokes and hatred of the local MSM.
My wish for Blunt and the other neo-Republicans is that the next Albert Einstein is a fat gay woman Mexican Snowflake baby.
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