By CHRIS PACKHAM
Occasionally, I get curious about the number of people who read Daily Briefs, so I shoot off an e-mail to Faysal, my Plog shift supervisor. "Hey, Faysal, how are the numbers this month?" I'll ask.
"Quit asking this question," he'll write back, followed by something like, "Two times this week you forget to punch time card when leaving for lunch. You must punch time card."
In Bahrain, Faysal was a physician. He enjoyed a long career but fled the country during the civil conflict in the 1990s, immigrating to the United States. Unfortunately, the United States doesn't recognize the Arabic equivalent of pulling yourself up by the Arabic word for "bootstraps" or medical degrees issued by foreign countries. He and his wife have both worked a variety of jobs for the past 16 years in order to make a living, and Faysal has a lot of understandable bitterness. He's extremely no-nonsense and doesn't have time to send me Google Analytics reports about Daily Briefs page views.
So the only way I have any idea about my page views is via the four hurtful comments from readers calling me fat and speculating about my sexual preferences. Every damn time The Kansas City Star's Yael T. Abouhalkah posts an innocuous blog about proposed sewage ordinances, he gets, like, a thousand comments calling him Satan, so it seems unfair that the dusty regolith that covers the majority of my own posts lays undisturbed for millions of years.
Therefore, I'm implementing a new policy of comment whoring, whereby every single thing I post will henceforth be followed by shit like "Oh, my guys, you guys, what do you guys think?" Ideally, this will be followed by you posting comments calling me a variety of hateful names, which I can then count and plug into a statistical algorithm I found on Wikipedia, which will give me the kind of hard numbers Faysal's been keeping to himself.
After the jump, Barack Obama's Missouri staff, the week's most flaccid political parody and fewer local links than usual. Click here, or — because I couldn't think of a relevant image — press this red button we've installed on the nose of 29th U.S. President Warren G. Harding:
Must have steel-toed boots: Barack Obama has hired 150 staffers across Missouri, and QualStaff sent my resume over to Obama's Missouri headquarters. But despite my associate's degree and 70 wpm typing speed, they got all hung up on my criminal history when — with a simple phone call to me — they would have been reassured that all them bitches at that school district that accused me of selling secondary-market horse meat for student lunches was fuckin' lyin'. Score one for all the lyin'-ass muthafuckas. Forgive my audacity of hoping for a position with a Democratic presidential campaign.
Although old-timey Republican presidential hopeful Sen. John McCain comes to Kansas City's Union Station later this month, where he will be posed kicking a soccer ball, the campaign will not disclose staffing numbers. OMG, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK ABOUT ALL THIS? TOTALLY LEAVE A HUNDRED COMMENTS!!!!!
Gettin' a little shticky, Maureen: I've cracked The New York Times op-ed columnist Maureen Dowd's code: Male Democrats have vaginas. And Maureen Dowd hates anyone who has a vagina. What do you guys think, you guys? Totally tell me your opinion!!!! In the comments!!!!! If you click "Post," and nothing happens, KEEP CLICKING "POST." Multiple clicks make it more likely that your comment will appear and be judged favorably.
The mouse is hiding in Erich Origen's butt: Two people named Erich Origen and Gan Golan spent approximately six minutes writing and illustrating a 12-page book called Goodnight, Bush, a limp-dick political parody of Goodnight, Moon, the favorite childhood storybook of grown-ups who drink Sleepytime tea and keep cats. So, wow — still stickin' it to Bush in 2008. That's pretty much like running around in a VOTE FOR PEDRO T-shirt, quoting Andy Samberg's "Lazy Sunday" and talking about how Carrot-Top sucks, because were you aware at this unbelievably late date that Carrot-Top totally sucks? Meanwhile, everybody else was hatin' on Bush back when hatin' on Bush was still playing free gigs in tiny clubs.
Now the authors of Goodnight, Bush are receiving enormous amounts of attention all out of proportion to the actual amount of work required to produce their stupid book — I heard the insufferable fucking author reading aloud from it on NPR last week in a subdued, whispery voice clearly learned from folksy Minnesota corpse Garrison Keillor. Here's the part where I hate you guys: Cory Doctorow thought Goodnight, Bush was hilarious, but, sadly, he couldn't buy a copy because it was completely sold out at the bookstore. So, way to buy a lame book, you guys. Thanks for making complete shit so popular. Oh, and totally let me know what you think in comments!!!!!
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Awwww, will you be my Plog buddy, wumble? (Check yes or no).
Yeah, I am kind of like a tattoo; something you long for to increase your coolness, it hurts when you get it but only for a little bit, and it gets under your skin where it remains unless it is violently removed in which case it leaves a scar.
But, unlike the new tribal or lame ass Asian character tattoos, I am more of an anchor tattoo for a sailor. Something tried and true. Something others try to copy, but fail in the endeavor.
Also, Phill Kline is going to seek the abortion records of the person that tried to scam free movie tickets in my name (that was the only attempted Plogdentity theft that I am aware of).
Finally, I apologize for the stink in that wind that lifted your wings�degassing has some disadvantages.
Seriously, Trevor? Somebody is posting fake Trevor posts? I would be snide and ask, "Are the hacked ones the ones that make sense?" but, my dear Trevor, you long ago began to mean the world to me.
In fact, the only hacking I know about involves my heart, and how you've hacked your way into it. And the wind, which you've hacked so that it's beneath my wings.
John Mchann: "Life's Rich Pageant" and "Little Black Sambo" tell me it's butter.
GASP! I have been hacked. I am a victim of Plogdentity theft. Well, I am a Kansas Republican living in Johnson County, so screw you guys, I'm calling Phill Kline.
I miss the references to Wilford Brimley, Die-A-Beetus, Walruses, and everything in between.
I can forgive this grave lapse in comedic judgment by receiving 2 IMax tickets to the Dark Knight for 12:01 on July 18.
*ahem*
Sorry, guys - Sally obviously ditched us in the ladies room.
...
I mean, we can't go IN, now can we?
Sincerely,
John McHann
WNBTv Anchor
p.s. - wumble: 'ghee', you silly parodist.
p.p.s - what's with all the comment whores?
p.p.p.s. - Last!!!! Woooo!!!!!!!!!
p.p.p.p.s. - if we donate monies, will we get varying sized Warren G. Hardings? Yellow Warren G. Hardings?
Wow!
I run off to gargle and the place literally fills up with comment whores!
My kinda dive�
Yeah, everyone on the Internet is skinny and likes girls. Now excuse me while I go oil my shaved hoary biscuits.
If I comment, will you buy me a half-caf half-decaf, half-half-and-half, half two percent latte?
Sarah -- I like girls, and I'm skinny, but "obese curious." Officially, I think maybe I'm supposed to pretend not to have an opinion about the Star's Crime Scene KC. But I'm a rebel, and I reject your precious rules, so I'll say James Hart is pretty awesome and leave it at that.
Daily Briefs should be Bi-daily Briefs, nay, Tri-daily Briefs. Between Daily Briefs and the Crime blog on the Star's website, I can kill MINUTES of boring office time.
Um, also you are gay and fat?
Not since I was interviewed by your paper did I find a piece so worth commenting about. I give it 5 out of 5 popcorn bags.
BEST PLOG OF THE SUMMER
-Shawn Edwards
'I've learned my lesson -- do not read Chris's 'Daily Briefs' blog during a working lunch.
Strangely, your column is the second reference to unlikely owners of vaginas I've encountered today. The first was my 3 year old, who informed me that, in 'Under the Sea', Sebastian is CLEARLY singing to Ariel about her vagina. Hmm, maybe I should stop reading 'Goodnight, Bush' to her at bedtime.
BTW, my attempts to post this a dozen times in 30 seconds were thwarted by some stupid duplication/timing check, and I'm too lazy to wait for a 30 second interval or whatever for a joke that I'd probably be the only one to laugh at anyway.
Oh, please, let's have comment threads about the act of commenting. my ass hurts from all the self congratulationary ramrodding Packed Ham invites.
chris dot packham AT pitch dot com. As regards my coverage of "douchey hipster urbanism," you are maybe confusing me with another guy?
I read your stuff and it makes me think about the decline of great KC investigative reporting. Then I'm greatful for Packham exposing the "douchy" underbelly of the hipster urbanism....blah,blah,blah..
put an email link up on Plog so i can easily forward your wacky shit to more likely believers! Keep up the good work.
As much as I love all of you, including (the)Trevor, and as grateful as I am for all the comments, including the mean ones posted by (the)Trevor, I was more like making fun of comment-whoring than actual comment-whoring. To anyone who got confused: I can only blame myself, like that one time when I came out of SunFresh and the security guard found that package of OTC Alli weight loss pills I'd absent-mindedly shoved down the front of my pants.
To get more comments, you just need those people who think commenting is a competition, like those folks on YouTube. You know, when the first 10 comments all say something like: FIRST!!!111!!!! or OMG1!!!!1111!!!!!
So, to start the trend, OMGWTFLOL5!!!111!!!!
Maybe it's because I'm actually you, posting under a clever pseudonym. Meanwhile, somewhere in the jungle, tigers run around a tree and turn into butter.
You want comments or advice? I give you fat gay comments and you wane prosetic with a whine we usually only hear from your sorts after a Presidential election. So, if all you seek is comments, then your comment you now have so get back to writing some funny shit. However, should you seek advice, continue reading my bulbous friend.
If you wish to get numbers, then don�t point at those that have numbers, rather emulate their behavior. Just follow suit and make numbers up like NPR or any of the �polls� out there. Cutting and pasting unoriginal or illogical thoughts also seems to work (see Carolyn�s Plog detailing Professor Whackjob�s attempts at �debunking� nuclear energy).
However, if you wish to leave your whine and embrace confidence, support the winning team. Leave Obama and the other losers, atone for your sins, and join the good guys. We have just as many criminals over here, but they are criminals with money�big differentiator you will find. Plus, you can afford to laugh instead of comment when you see hippies (Nadia�s Plog) or read pieces about dumb asses working for $7.25 an hour (another Carolyn Plog).
You don't get any comments because you don't leave any fucking comments on other blogs.
Or maybe it's because you cuss to fucking much? But what the fuck do I know?
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