By CHRIS RASMUSSEN
CBS announced yesterday that college basketball analyst Billy Packer is no longer the head NCAA basketball analyst. This comes as a surprise, as I thought his tenure was akin to that of Supreme Court justices, who can urinate in their robes or author Bush v. Gore and yet keep their jobs.
I worry about Packer. In retirement, with little or nothing to do, he might lash out at customer service personnel and any child who dares play on his lawn. To help him avoid idleness and save his family from a nervous breakdown, here's a list of potential future employment opportunities for Mr. Packer:
1) Wal-Mart Greeter: He will instantly criticize you for the direction you choose when entering the store, prematurely describing your shopping experience as “over” and “completely finished.”
2) Author of the forthcoming book, “I Preferred Living In The Eisenhower Administration, Except For The Gritty Tyler Hansbrough.”
3) McDonalds Employee: Will criticize the fries served by his employer, stating that the fries served in North Carolina 30 years ago were infinitely better.
4) Waiter At Denny’s: Critical of your selection from the menu, launches into tirade that you made the worst selection since the NCAA gave St. Joe’s a No. 1 seed.
5) Vice Presidential Nominee for John McCain: Packer is the only human being in the United States who can make McCain seem youthful and amiable by comparison.
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