By CHRIS PACKHAM
Here above the jump, there's no telling what a given blog entry contains — it's the medical sharps container of mystery:
You can hear stuff rattling around inside, but what is it??? Actually, I'll just come right out and say that by coincidence, everything I wrote about today had something to do with economics. We know you could spend your snotty news blog dollars anywhere, and we'd like to thank you for spending it at Daily Briefs, where the customer is king! For up-to-the-minute market reports click here, here or on this image of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln announcing a President's Day sale on feminine hygiene products:McMansion-dwelling aristocrats: Overland Park is the 9th-best place to live in the entire country, according to a list compiled over lobster salad by the pinstripe-suited fat-cats at Money magazine, who issued a STRONG BUY on the public schools in JoCo through the teeth clenched around their Cigar Afficianado-endorsed Partagas Sabroso cigars. On the one hand, I am a patriot like Lee Greenwood, the inventor of bifocals and the glass armonica and I think great public schools make America stronger. On the other hand, I don't have kids, so my fondness for great public schools is entirely theoretical, just like all the evolution they taught me in Catholic school. That's not a joke — in a pedagogic blow to everything you thought you knew about religious dogma, I learned about Darwin from not one, but two nuns. The heartbreaking (to nuns) result — my life-long natural-selction-induced atheism — should not be interpreted as an endorsement of public schools in Kansas, where apparently there are serious questions about Satan's hand in the development of the quadratic equation.
There has NEVER been a better time to buy GOLD!!! Except back when gold was worth a lot less: I'm no economist, but I am incredibly sexy to a subset of women who like slope-shouldered mouth-breathers who wear Hulkamania T-shirts, so I'm occasionally asked to comment on economics at the annual meeting of the Banking Summit Advisory Council of the North Americas. As you might imagine, they were preoccupied this year with commodities such as precious metals, and I addressed catalytic converter theft as a trailing indicator of a failing economy. Because did you know that catalytic converters contain trace amounts of platinum, the "gold standard" of precious metals? Pretty soon, they're going to have to invent "the Club" for catalytic converters, because speculators are now prospecting for platinum underneath Kansas City cars, according to authoritative economics journal KMBC Channel 9fn.
Up from the ground come a bubblin' crude word for a shameful anatomical region: As I was push-starting my Dodge Reliant this morning, it occurred to me that I was now spending more on gasoline than I was on my three-stage Proactiv® benzoyl peroxide-based acne combination therapy. Forgive the light, sweet crudity of my language, but fuck all that. The cost of oil is now driving up the cost of everything, including the Proactiv® Solution I smear on my face and the Hot Pockets I eat for dinner. They're very convenient for me, and the crust ensures that I don't have to see the disgusting filling inside. But pretty soon I may have to resort to powdered milk and Kraft singles, because the dollar also sank to a record low against the Euro this morning. According to the left-wing hippie vegetarian yoga enthusiast known to economists as my girlfriend, high gas prices are a good thing, in that they will eventually lead to reduced carbon emissions and wind farms springing up out of the ground like reanimated corpses in Marino Girolami's Zombie Holocaust.
Showing 1-8 of 8
the only thing douchier than money magazine editors, are the power @ light hipsters. Nice bag of douche cartoon too. No pun intended
Chris,
Your Plog was rerouted like it was aircraft traffic at JFK. It was completely necessary for everyone's safety. But don�t fret, bulbous buckeroo, just get back up on that horse and try again tomorrow. We�ll be here.
XOXOXOXO
Chris,
Really? Your sister is flaccid?
Sincerely,
John McHann
WNBTv
p.s. (the) Trevor is a sucky alter ego; may I introduce you to a good rolfer?
(the) Trevor, I assure you, the strippers you wonder about were not standing 50 from the door. They were inside the doorway. Rule breakers!
So, you rack out 20+ comments on a begging frenzy, get everyone lathered up and ready for more Pich Plog, and you lay this economic egg? You chucking comments at OP, KS was as flaccid as the attempt of your sister paper covering the Budweiser acquisition�in the Fat City Blog. It was like you kind of sensed something on the national stage happened that affected our local world, but you just didn�t get it.
Covering local impact economics could have involved InBev, Bombardier, Freddie and Fannie, the Air Force, or the Repub machine winding up its mammoth money making motors. Alas, we are left with the best daily Plog posts being more pictures of hippies in dresses and questions as to whether strippers actually stand back 50� from the door when they smoke.
I am going to go sulk in a corner, convert my blog dollars to ESPN bucks, and read about the ex-heroin addict turned homerun derby choker or how Jose Conseco got punched the fuck out in 97 seconds in his boxing debut.
like
dislike
