By ALAN SCHERSTUHL
Each week, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from area basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
How to Be Happy Though Married
Author: Tim LaHaye, pastor, television host, and eventual co-creator of Left Behind, the apocalyptic Christian novel series
Publisher: Tyndale House of Wheaton, Illinois
Date: 1968
Discovered at: DAV Thrift Store, Wornall Road
The Cover Promises: Hot hand-holding action! And 180,000 copies sold! And that marriage is a state generally incompatible with happiness!
Representative Quotes:
Page 63: “The difference between the reproductive system of the husband and wife should stand as a symbol of the beautiful difference in their emotional make-up.”
Page 77: “Under such circumstances, she is often twenty-two or twenty-three by the time she is ready for children, and surprisingly enough, that is past the ideal childbearing age.”
“Marriage can be the most happy, mediocre, or unhappy of life's experiences,” LaHaye tells us on page one of his guide to good Christian matrimony. How exactly mediocrity can be measured in the superlative degree, he doesn't explain. Still, he aims for happiness, and believes you can, too. His advice:
* Select a “missionary-minded” church.
* “Recently, a woman told me that after eight years of marriage she had never undressed in front of her husband. This is false modesty.”
* Say “I'm sorry” sometimes.
* “Don't be alarmed if you do not experience an orgasm during each sexual union with your husband.”
* Remember, ladies: “Subjection is not slavery.”
* “The third key that guarantees a happy marriage is love.”
He includes helpful illustrations of the “reproductive organs,” sometimes labeled as such:
And sometimes not:
And I doubt anyone would dispute these findings:
Shocking Detail:
While open-minded about birth control and, presumably, letting wives vote, LaHaye lays down the law when it comes to hygiene. In the chapter “Physical Joys,” he writes, “Daily bathing is highly recommended. Some authorities suggest that a tub bath is preferable since the vaginal lubricants of the female anatomy can give off an offensive odor.”
Highlight:
Also from “Physical Joys”: “The role of a woman is to respond. Don't resent the role, but relax and respond to your husband's affectionate expressions of love. You can usually enjoy the experience if you relax!”
Perhaps it was just these ideas of marital bliss that inspired this 1984 book penned by LaHaye's wife Beverly:
Showing 1-10 of 10
You make valid points all of them. I think that we want to be heard as much as we don�t want to leave comments in the wrong circumstances. It�s a human response to a human problem � as contadictory as we all are.
in all the talk about the penis pie, we're forgetting the most important thing here, women are dirty!!
That is clearly a two-foot-long double-helix drifting up out of that pie, for some reason.
Seeing a comment from the Penis whose wife baked him a pie made me laugh harder than anything I've seen, read or heard in a week. I would weep tears of joy if I were actually capable of crying without watching movies about sad little robots.
GAWD how I wish weed were legal for all of us instead of being reserved for folks like KC firefighters. Alas, I accept the invitation, but will need to wear a gas mask to avoid the wafting wonder smoke that I so strongly desire.
"Also, my pie comes with a two-foot long DNA strand."
Wasn't this line one of the first-draft lyrics of Elton John's "Circle of Life"?
And, hi, Trevor. Want to meet up in Briefs, later? I'll bring the weed!
What a find! Its like finding out that Tom Cruise starred in all male pornos before becoming Maverick or seeing a clip of John Travolta doing �I�m a little teapot� before Saturday Night Fever. Or that either of them went to a Jesus church before becoming Scientologists.
Alas, I just wish the Left Behind books had great illustrations like this.
So we can both enjoy he same immediate drop-off toward relaxation and exhaustion at the exact same time. Also, my pie comes with a two-foot long DNA strand.
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