By CHRIS PACKHAM
Ha ha, today I am Teevee Barnhart: Variety reports Brillstein-Grey TV co-topper Susie Fitzgerald has been tapped as prexy of Josephson Entertainment. Rising from co-topper to prexy could be seen as more of a lateral move than a promotion, in my experience.
Reading this shit aloud sounds like old people using slang from the 1800s, and the only reason I'm linking horrible fucking Variety and its "23-skidoo" house style is because Josephson Entertainment will produce The Weekly, a single-camera workplace comedy "percolating in the script stage" at ABC, about "the office of a dishy alternative weekly publication and blog." Now I know how the line workers at a bottling plant must have felt when they heard about Laverne and Shirley! Or how the convicted rapists felt when they heard about HBO's workplace comedy Oz. OK, one more: or how cocksuckers felt when they heard about Deadwood. That joke dedicated to Deadwood fan Bob Packham, my dad.If I were "tapped" to "scribe" The Weekly, I would totally write the episode in which we cut half a page to a quarter because an event in the calendar fell through, blah blah, cutline blah blah, jargon, and you totally know this thing will be like Sex and the City with nose rings and ironic T-shirts. TV is not always the worst — for instance, it's awesome when it tells stories about Battlestars or Detective McNulty — but this has the unmistakable whiff of horrible, usually depicted by cartoonists as wavy stink lines. After the jump, some stuff about deregulation and marijuana! Click here, or on TV's Automan, a workplace comedy about a hologram that comes to life and fights crime, starring Desi Arnaz Jr. and Chuck Wagner:
Deregulation is the best at unregulated sucking: Midwest Airlines is reducing flights from Kansas City this fall, thanks to the economy and fuel prices. I just thank my strict constructionist God that vital infrastructure components like airlines aren't nationalized in the United States, because it really takes the competition of free markets to be incredibly shitty at running a transportation business. Don't get me wrong — I'm well aware that Amtrak never figured out how to be self-sustaining, but at least it's had increasing ridership for the past five years. I know, I know, we have to remove every possible legal restriction from businesses in order for the country to thrive, but somebody please explain to me the part where deregulation didn't make every single person I know hate every single part of the flying experience, from the moment you pay for the ticket to the moment that the pilot tells everyone on the plane to go fuck themselves in that avuncular, casual voice pilots use on the intercom. I guess federal oversight would only make people hate flying more.
We're all snorting drugs up our snort holes: KMBC Channel 9 reports on a study by a company called Quest Diagnostics, which to my sexy, jaded ears sounds like a company that makes medical imaging equipment for the dwarf warriors of Azeroth. That was a little joke for the dorks, brought to you with limited commercial interruption by Blizzard Entertainment, reminding you to get tested if you think you've been exposed to blood corruption. I think maybe Quest Diagnostics runs urine tests on Brush Creek, because in the course of doing whatever it is they do, they report that Kansas City, Missouri, residents are a whopping 80 percent more likely to test positive for amphetamines than the national average, 60 percent more for marijuana and 30 percent more for cocaine. Those are some pretty large-scale numbers, but I can't even go to church in this town without someone offering me a little blow. And I don't think it's a coincidence that there's a day-care center on my street called Li'l Tweaker's KinderCare.
However, Jim Nunnelly, the administrator of Jackson County's COMBAT anti-drug strike force, says the high number of positive screenings is more like an indicator of a higher number of drug tests. It's like hot and cold running urine in this town, if you want a job. I guess nobody trusts anybody else to drive a school bus anymore, but that doesn't stop The Kansas City Star from running with the headline "Kansas City area is failing when tested for drugs."
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Round about six million people inhabit this earth, 75% know of the bible. One man advertising in only one country, initiated this, by word of mouth. Bloggers of today have the world wide web with which to reach all of those people, all this at your fingertips, you can change anything, go for it bad boys!!!!!!
gus, help me out with some translation here. Are you accusing me of being a conservative or are you accusing me of trying to argue what conservatives think? Also, this is The Pitch, so you need a better reference than �the phil [sic] kline article� since there are typically several a week. Finally, is a suprise like a supposed surprise?
Anyway, I went on a rambling tirade in a mimicking tribute to our rotund author. His piece read to me much in the same manner as They Might Be Giants fabulous song, �Birdhouse in Your Soul� which starts, �I�m your only friend, I�m not your only friend, but I�m a little glowing friend, but really I�m not actually your friend, but I am.�
Chris, and I attempt to follow suit, go all about the place without actually going anywhere in a whimsical production of Plogic. Read Chris� deregulation piece and keep score and it would go like this:
1. Free market forces affect Midwest. Regulation would prevent this, so strike one up for regulation.
2. He gives thanks for no regulations, but we should assume this as sarcasm, so tie game 1-1.
3. He gives reason for his thanks by saying; free markets suck at running business, so regulation takes the lead 2-1.
4. Amtrak cannot stand on its own, so regulation gets another point, 2-2 tie.
5. Amtrak also has increased ridership and regulation pulls ahead 3-2.
6. Removing all regulation creates a thriving country. Deregulation ties it up 3-3.
7. But wait, deregulation makes people hate everything about flying, so regulation gets another nod and the lead, 4-3.
8. Lastly, regulation would make things suck more, so deregulation is good. And there you have it folks, a 4-4 tie.
By countering his own arguments, he takes us on a glorious journey that goes, well, nowhere. I admit I did the same, but only as a tribute, I assure you that I can only hope to one day be in the same ballpark as our Plogic master, Chris.
yeah, trevor, your arguing what conservatives think their oppoenents are arguing not what their oppoenents are actually arguing, just like the people in the phil kilne article. that kline article is totally trevor free so far, that's a suprise, huh?
Yeah, I can really get going when all those voices start screaming at once.
Alas, the question I would like to have you answer is, why do you think privatization is the reason flying sucks. Especially in light of all the current events that seem to be the real culprits.
Running kinda' hot, there, Trevor. And since you're making a bunch of counterarguments to arguments I didn't make in the first place, I'll just sit back and let everyone enjoy the show.
ZMFG (another Blizzard reference for you), whine boy and wumble, you honestly think handing shit over to the Feds fixes things? Having been on a truly and fully regulated flight in the back of a C-130 in the Army, I can tell you, today�s air travel is tons better than the way that Uncle Sam does it. The back of a C-130 has: no flight attendants, a 5-gallon bucket for pissing AND shitting in that is shared by 3 platoons of soldiers for the duration of the flight, un-comfy cargo net seats, and no sound attenuation for the 4 prop engines.
Unfortunately, just because Brokeback Mountain 2: Electric Booglaoo is only showing at a drive in commune in New York is not a reason that air travel should be made affordable for all. If you want to see your movie, try hitchhiking or Greyhound. Besides, and this is supposed to be your thing, air travel is one of the largest greenhouse gas producing transportation methods known to man.
Now, I will gladly take all this back if you show me in the Constitution where it says you are entitled to a government provided form of transportation.
The free market has done a bang-up job failing to improve upon the internal combustion engine.
Nice job, FM! I'll sign your card when it's company birthday time!
Yes, yes, I see your point about regulation, blah blah, already conceded that whole thing in the fucking body of the blog, Baby Genius 2, but somehow nobody can explain the irrefutable fact that the free market has given us an airline industry that takes all hope and human aspiration and turns them into shit and despair.
Wait a while here, something is amiss. Didn�t they learn from the writer�s strike that you don�t need actors, writers, or Hollywood to make a good show? Screw The Weekly�I want reality Alt Press!! It would be good to see the brutality of scrounging for any story morsel in a locale where not a lot takes place. I want to see the process of masticating the morsel, turning it gayer, wittier or more shocking, yet maintaining the story�s essence. I want to see what happens to the writers after they have been husked by the system and what they do when they retire. I DEFINITELY want to see what happens to Chris when the camera adds 20 pounds!
More shocking, perhaps, is Chris calling for more Federal government involvement in everything. I know that is one of your core beliefs as a Democrat, but dude, admit it, the Feds just flat out suck at running stuff. As a result State government has been completely neutered while my Federal Congressmen cannot effectively return my messages because they get too much mail. (Yes, Dennis Moore actually advised me of this in a written response, but at least he replies�Brownback and Roberts don�t even bother).
So, bulbous buckaroo, I call for you to man up and be the reality. Do for yourself and don�t leave it to others. Now, excuse me, I am going to own my own destiny and mainline some Brush Creek water near a Quest Diagnostics testing facility.
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