By CHRIS PACKHAM
Keeping America safe from your "ROAD TRIP!!!!" playlist: So I guess I won't be traveling with any laptops, now that the DHS has disclosed a border policy whereby they can seize your computer or any other electronic device without probable cause, keep it indefinitely and release any personal information, such as the "short films" you hide in your Win32 folder,
to any entity they choose, such as your wife. I don't even remember how to get outraged about stuff like this. If your Microsoft Zune gets disappeared down the terrorism hole, I'll probably laugh at you, just based on the fact that I'm already kind of laughing at you in my imagination, where you're sputtering like Niles from Frasier at the uniformed G.E.D. recipient at airport security, handing off your MacBook to a supervisor. HAHA!These days, whenever I hear about one of these para-fascist airport policies, my first question is, "Will this upset Cory Doctorow?" If the answer is yes, there's a tiny little Donald Rumsfeld voice inside my head that says, "Good!" I'm no Benito Mussolini, but if vesting absolute political power in a single authoritarian office is what it takes to upset Cory Doctorow, then by all means, please don't stop with the fourth amendment; go ahead and dispense with the other nine bullet points on the Founding PowerPoint Bill of Rights slide show, too, and here are my personal electronics.
After the jump, some stuff about fiery explosions of money and some stuff about hardscrabble dirt farmers getting their land confiscated by rich oil barons. Click here, or on this fat, monocled plutocrat who wants to drill for crude where your child's bedroom used to be:
Everybody panic! I mean, more than you already are! So it turns out that the subprime explosion, where all the fancy mortgages ignited and burned up all the cheap credit, may somehow extend to regular-type mortgages in the coming year. People with good credit are now increasingly delinquent, because of character flaws, or something. Fannie Mae and, whatever, Bernie Mac are taking steps to modify delinquent loans and avoid foreclosures. I'm kind of vague on the details because what am I, The Kansas City Business Journal? If The Kansas City Business Journal worked at a Burger King, I think it would go something like this: "Blah blah, Berkshire Hathaway, blah blah, Morningstar flagship funds, blah blah low multiple relative to earnings, jargon jargon billion dollar writedown, please drive through to the second window." All of that in a Christopher Walken voice learned by copying Jay Mohr.
I don't even have a mortgage, so I figure either I'll come out of this smelling like a rose, credit-history-wise, or else scavenging the wastes of what was once Lenexa for various forms of copper infrastructure which can be melted down and sold for Thunderdome tickets which I can then scalp for bat meat, the only readily-available food source in the apocalyptic post-suburban near-future.
Git the hell off mah land: Speaking of The Kansas City Business Journal, and also speaking of getting your property confiscated, the KCBJ has this story about eminent domain in Missouri, and efforts to get a related constitutional amendment curtailing its application on the November ballot. Yes, I actually read it. Look, I made the generative decision in January that Daily Briefs would never be Jay Leno's stupid "weird news" headlines segment. I wish I could tell you that the Business Journal sat on a toilet for two years and became physically stuck to the seat, or its girlfriend cut off its dick, but the fact is, I have the form of mental retardation whereby I don't know how to make fun of stories that make fun of themselves. I'm still trying to get handicapped license plates because of my disability, but the state keeps sending the paperwork back with fucking questions.
Therefore, "Jargon jargon biotech sector, blah blah private equity and venture capital, Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" That impression preceded by the preamble, "If The Kansas City Business Journal was the star of Diff'rent Strokes, it might go something like this!" THANK YOU! I'll be at Catch a Rising Star all next week.
It's easy to see why people get worked up about eminent domain, since it involves the state confiscating private property, often from single working moms whose preschool-aged children wear glasses and have asthma, and handing it to private interests, like fat-cat real estate developers who strut around Main Street riffling fat rolls of hundred dollar bills and flaunting their silken finery. Shit, put that new restrictive amendment on the ballot and my autonomic nervous system might reflexively vote for it before I've even had a chance to read it. I'm just pointing out the article as an example of the kinds of boring things I'm prone to reading first thing in the morning.
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IF you care to go even one step further than the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, look to the U.S. Supreme Court Decision on Griswold v. Conneticut for it's content with regard to the much talked about "right to privacy". The case itself is not remarkable in this specific context but the point would be that the Justices had to look pretty hard and stretch more than a little in order to locate any constitutional guarantee to individual privacy.
This is of course a totally separate line of thinking than the 4th amendment guarantee against unreasonable search and seizure....but worth looking into if you're so inclined.
Wow, Packham, you faced quite a load there. While the bathroom stall gossip indicates that is nothing new, I meant it in a non-glory-hole sort of way. I am impressed with your effort today and admire (and even mostly agree with) your efforts to expose some of the bad neo-Republican contributions to modern life including; searching, sub-prime, and stealing. So, here I mount the Packham Pony, ride it hard through the same course, and put it away frothy and wet, but with a carrot.
Reading the opinion from the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals (click my name) is damn interesting and, as usual, paints a different picture than the journalistic interpretation. It seems that the 4th Amendment provides you with no protection if you want to bring illegal shit into the country�only if your illegal shit is already here. The Reagan and two Bush appointees seemed to have got this one right, unlike the crap-on-the-Constitution sort of way the neo-Republicans handle most �security� matters. Fortunately, the consistent lack of research of the press is as solid as evah!
The sub-prime story does indeed invoke panic. I mean, who is going to make sure that the bank CEOs maintain their entitlements? Who will watch out for the massive salaries of Fannie and Freddie? Save us, neo-Republicans, free market intervention is needed to increase �security� (of the wealthy).
Ahhh, eminent domain, yet another of the neo-Republican�s �security�-type tactics, only disguised as something meant to be for the good of all. Again, the common man cannot �grasp the economic benefits eminent domain can bring��only neo-Republicans are entitled to such vision. Pop out a TIF and tag on a bailout clause and getting investors is easy. Plus, an abandoned strip mall is much prettier than a row of multi-generation houses anyway. What�s to hate? Vote for �security� (for the wealthy).
Everyone, take a deep breath, hold it in, and savor it. There's no Trevor stinking it up in here!
Dear Chris,
"Niles from Frasier..." will always be redundant.
We're just saying( and charging you for it, too! )
SIncerely,
AP
Gus � I DON'T KNOW. Seriously: I have no idea whatsoever. I'm completely politically aligned with him. His short stories are great. I agree with 99 percent of everything he writes about, and the other one percent constitutes easily disregarded bullshit about Disneyland. And yet there's just something about him that makes me transform into smelly old Charles Krauthammer.
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