By CHRIS PACKHAM
Kansas City's Hispanic population is growing four times faster than the overall population growth, according to prolapsed local TV news orifice WDAF Fox 4. Yeah, yeah, this is likely to annoy the racists. If I were an exaggerating man, I'd predict calls for English-only everything, including Spanish classes, increasing immigration from Denmark and surrounding the state of Missouri with a border wall made out of the millions of unsold copies of Rare Software's Viva Piňata for the Xbox 360.
You see how that works? Just escalate anyone's arguments until they seem ridiculous. Tip: It doesn't work only with racists; you can do it to normal people, too. But you know what? If a higher Mexican population means even more importing of Mexican-bottled Coca-Cola, which is made with actual sugar rather than WD-40-flavored corn syrup-based sweetener, then hey, suck it, racists. There's a reason why the bad guys in action movies from the 1980s were always presented as racists, and that's because it makes their inevitable violent deaths more satisfying. After yours, I will pour out a sugar-sweetened Mexican Coca-Cola for all my dead racist homies.After the jump, an exploration of sexxxy workplace harassment and how it can affect your relationship with lawyers. Click here, or on the plaintiffs from your workplace sexual harassment suit:
Your plus-sized Lane Bryant pantsuit would look great — at the foot of my L-shaped computer workstation! Neurologists calculate that about 700 times an hour, the amygdala generates high-quality mental pornography, shrink-wraps it and then shoots it at the speed of nerve conduction velocity into the neocortex as a dirty gift, where it is opened up and processed in the form of pleasant sexual reveries that are occasionally the only mode of escape from a soul-crushing office job (see diagram).
Note: This is for men. I more or less assume there's a similar porn distribution infrastructure in the brains of women, but you'll have to go ask a woman's brain. Mine is gushing with both natural and injectable synthetic forms of testosterone.
Casting your aspirations into reality is all well and good, but when it comes to aspirationally touching the butt of a co-worker, it's probably best to let that play out discretely, behind the bony veil that protects your imaginary porn gland from blunt instruments such as baseball bats and acoustic guitars, and which bone scientists call the skull. Because unlike the early 1960s, as seen in AMC's Mad Men, workplace butt-touching is litigated so hard in court.
Me, I'm an hourly worker. I punch in every morning and get my assignments from Plog shift supervisor Faysal Alkhaiwani. I keep my mouth shut and my hands to myself, and I treat all of my co-workers with decorum and respect. Because if I get fired, I'll lose my parole, and I don't want to go back to Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary.
I can only dream of being a university professor in charge of a college lab. If I ever managed to get on that sweet, sweet life-tenure gravy train, I'd never do anything to jeopardize my position — for instance, allegedly groping colleagues and students or creating a hostile work environment, unless you mean hostile to sexual harassment, in which case the workplace would be hostile with extreme prejudice. But not race-based prejudice, because that would be wrong. Like sexual harassment. Which is what Drs. Keith Haddock and Walter Poston II of the University of Missouri-Kansas City were accused of in 2006. The case has now been settled, and the two agreed to resign from their positions, which — with any luck — means that my inflated-to-bursting resume will soon be my "golden ticket" to the "chocolate factory" of a tenured lab position at UMKC.
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Have you ever considered adding more videos to your blog posts to keep the readers more entertained? I mean I just read through the entire article of yours and it was quite good but since I'm more of a visual learner
queen amidala(sp) as a porn creating brain function is the funniest thing i've seen in forever.
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