By CHRIS PACKHAM
So, Sen. John McCain, taking cues from spooky mustachioed neocon John Bolton, wants NATO to absorb Georgia — or, as McCain knows it, "Iberia" — pushing NATO all the way up to Russia's borders. Not. At all. Terrifying. To me, at least — as the result of a childhood head trauma at the hands of an unlicensed day-care operator, I'm prone to reckless behavior and an inability to learn from past experience. "Today, we are all Georgians," McCain said on Monday, except, I gotta say, we're fucking not. Here's a photo of the Zadashe Ensemble, a native folk-music and dance troupe from Caucasus, Georgia. For Pepsi Challenge purposes, I've juxtaposed them with some Americans:
TODAY, WE ARE ALL GASSY. If McCain is trying to rally America into war with Russia, he's doing a really shitty job because right now everyone has the fever — THE CHINESE OLYMPICS FEVER! Literally no one I know thinks the United States should suddenly get involved in a war on the Eurasian supercontinent. Also, the U.S. Army has a pretty bad case of the DEPLOYED IN IRAQ FEVER. If we're sincerely looking at war with Russia, then they'd better ramp up the mandatory conscription aparatus because we're going to need this whole other army to do it. After the jump, some deep contemplation of my own manly stoicism. Click here, or on this picture of a weepy, unstoic messiah:
Weep for the tree-frogs. Because I literally can't: I was in an awesome old-man bar in the Northland last week that had an arcade video-game machine called Big Buck Hunter Safari, a light-gun shooter-on-rails. I didn't get a chance to play it, but I did stare blankly at the attract-mode animation from across the room while my girlfriend made the enthusiastic vocalizations she does whenever I demonstrate my sensitivity by asking about her "day," and it looks pretty great. Instead of the usual video-game targets, like cops, leukemia-stricken orphans, innocent bystanders and — in one memorable instance — a robot-suit-wearing Hitler, the game features high-polygon models of baby elephants, baby tigers and baby hippos.It looked pretty fun! I remember back when kids wanted to pretend they were blue hedgehogs; now they all want to be Theodore Roosevelt.
I think it all goes to the devastating declines in amphibian species that amphibian scientists are now reporting as a mass extinction. We've become so cut off from nature that the only animals we can kill anymore are the virtual ones. "No wonder we're raising a generation of Lawnmower Men," I might have thought, but I actually couldn't think with all the noise my girlfriend was making. So I got up off my bar stool and walked out to the parking lot and smoked a cherry blunt, thinking about this sad old Blade Runner-esque, animalless world we were making with our PCB factories and carbon emissions. When that proved ineffective at making me cry, I thought about the last few minutes of Brad Bird's The Iron Giant. Nothing. The whole point of this story is a demonstration of my emotional impenetrability, like McGarrett from Hawaii 5-0. I am a fucking rock, you guys.
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