By CHRIS PACKHAM
So, Sen. John McCain, taking cues from spooky mustachioed neocon John Bolton, wants NATO to absorb Georgia — or, as McCain knows it, "Iberia" — pushing NATO all the way up to Russia's borders. Not. At all. Terrifying. To me, at least — as the result of a childhood head trauma at the hands of an unlicensed day-care operator, I'm prone to reckless behavior and an inability to learn from past experience. "Today, we are all Georgians," McCain said on Monday, except, I gotta say, we're fucking not. Here's a photo of the Zadashe Ensemble, a native folk-music and dance troupe from Caucasus, Georgia. For Pepsi Challenge purposes, I've juxtaposed them with some Americans:
TODAY, WE ARE ALL GASSY. If McCain is trying to rally America into war with Russia, he's doing a really shitty job because right now everyone has the fever — THE CHINESE OLYMPICS FEVER! Literally no one I know thinks the United States should suddenly get involved in a war on the Eurasian supercontinent. Also, the U.S. Army has a pretty bad case of the DEPLOYED IN IRAQ FEVER. If we're sincerely looking at war with Russia, then they'd better ramp up the mandatory conscription aparatus because we're going to need this whole other army to do it. After the jump, some deep contemplation of my own manly stoicism. Click here, or on this picture of a weepy, unstoic messiah:
Weep for the tree-frogs. Because I literally can't: I was in an awesome old-man bar in the Northland last week that had an arcade video-game machine called Big Buck Hunter Safari, a light-gun shooter-on-rails. I didn't get a chance to play it, but I did stare blankly at the attract-mode animation from across the room while my girlfriend made the enthusiastic vocalizations she does whenever I demonstrate my sensitivity by asking about her "day," and it looks pretty great. Instead of the usual video-game targets, like cops, leukemia-stricken orphans, innocent bystanders and — in one memorable instance — a robot-suit-wearing Hitler, the game features high-polygon models of baby elephants, baby tigers and baby hippos.
It looked pretty fun! I remember back when kids wanted to pretend they were blue hedgehogs; now they all want to be Theodore Roosevelt.I think it all goes to the devastating declines in amphibian species that amphibian scientists are now reporting as a mass extinction. We've become so cut off from nature that the only animals we can kill anymore are the virtual ones. "No wonder we're raising a generation of Lawnmower Men," I might have thought, but I actually couldn't think with all the noise my girlfriend was making. So I got up off my bar stool and walked out to the parking lot and smoked a cherry blunt, thinking about this sad old Blade Runner-esque, animalless world we were making with our PCB factories and carbon emissions. When that proved ineffective at making me cry, I thought about the last few minutes of Brad Bird's The Iron Giant. Nothing. The whole point of this story is a demonstration of my emotional impenetrability, like McGarrett from Hawaii 5-0. I am a fucking rock, you guys.
Smelly? Unlikable? Required by the court to tell all your neighbors about a horrible crime you committed in the past? The Daily Briefs Facebook profile will not judge you. Frankly, we've done some things we're not proud of. Nobody's perfect. At this exact moment, if a cop were to search the trunk of the car, we'd probably be in handcuffs, face down on the pavement. You're among friends. Or, at least among people who shouldn't be pointing any fingers.
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You're damn right there is, Beazley. My homeland belongs to the Soviet Socialist Republic and they want it back!!!!
Is there or is there not some question as to the status of Georgia's sovereignty? Like HUGE gaping questions even more open to interpretation than questions asked in the past about the sovereignty of say Taiwan or The Philippines or whoever the fuck actually owns Kashmir?
Does Cabella's have Virtual Lawnmower yet? Or maybe Promise Keeper Neo Geo, where your .75 cents lets you pretend to tell your wife and kids what's what?
Those amphibians are only disappearing because our extinction has been put off and we love to eat them little buggers. Boy, they are tasty too!
So, humans, keep up the good work and keep getting fatter�when all them amphibians are gone we will be eyeing you next. Panda says if you can get all the folks to be as fat as the American gymnasts, that would be super (he says the Chinese ones aren�t ripe yet).
You know of me, right? I am that witty dude that helped the little island stave off the Nazis. My views were also frowned upon when pointing out how unprepared folks were if they took a run at us. That all changed when my predictions came true and all hell broke loose.
Allow me to change one of my quotes so it can apply to you, �Sir, you are a dullard. In the morning, I shall still be worried that a sovereign nation was overrun militarily and the rest of the world sits back and offers pusillanimous support.�
and i forgot to add, doesnt jesus look like he's about to grab paul and ask 'hey, man, does my hand smell funny to you?"
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