From the Comments:
gus says: hey, just curious and not joking, why does everyone hate Cory doctorow so much?
Chris Packham says: Gus — I DON'T KNOW. Seriously: I have no idea whatsoever. I'm completely politically aligned with him. His short stories are great. I agree with 99 percent of everything he writes about, and the other one percent constitutes easily disregarded bullshit about Disneyland. And yet there's just something about him that makes me transform into smelly old Charles Krauthammer.
God's precious miracle babies: I don't have any children — that I know about!!!! — but like every other childless non-parent, I really love that joke, and also the joke where I ask you whether or not you have your tickets yet, and then you say "What tickets?" and I say, "TO THE GUN SHOW!!!!!" while doing this:
They're dual-purpose quips, in that they're hilariously funny, while implying, respectively, that I have a lot of sex, and that I am very muscley.
I realize that parenting is a big responsibility. For instance, you are 100 percent responsible for getting that kid to sleep, and the sooner the better.
A Missouri woman was recently arrested by Louisville, Kentucky police at the Kentucky State Fair when a police officer observed her pouring wine into her baby's bottle. Bowen told the officers that wine helps her baby sleep, and I'm like, right? It damn sure helps me sleep, and I'm way bigger than a baby. For a baby, it's the equivalent of getting punched by beefy Claude Akins, star of TV's The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo. Coincidentally, Bowen was feeding her baby a bottle of 1999 Chateau d'Claude Akins Romorantin, from the Cour Cheverny region of France, where Claude Akins is very popular. If the homozygous, facially asymmetrical back-woods denizens of deepest Kentucky know of a better way of knocking out a baby, other than the frightful and totally illegal technique of actually knocking out a baby, I'd like to hear it. No, I really would like to hear it, because someday a lady might let me put a baby in her tummy, and I'd like to avoid reading any books about children if at all possible.
After the jump, two or three hundred words right off the top of my head, since I spent the entire morning at the sports dentist. They're like regular dentists, except that in addition to applying the usual fillings and crowns, they inject your gums full of deca-durabolin and synthetic human growth hormone, and then give you a carrot as a treat when they're done, all of which is really important for the maxillo-facial poses at the Greater Kansas City Competitive Bodybuilding tournament this weekend — this year I'm bringing home that trophy. Click here, or, because we're all about selection and also value, click on the image of your choice — the Chateua d'Claude Akins Cour Cheverny label I peeled off of a bottle after dinner last night, or the Kentucky State Seal:
My brain's magazine; Circulation: Me. At the dentist I go to, the magazine selection consists of Highlights for Children and AARP, "the world's largest circulation magazine," according to the cover, which featured Beverly Hills Chihuahua star Jamie Lee Curtis. There wasn't anything at all for people in my demographic, described pithily by marketers as the people who already know how to count their toes, but who are not quite ready for once-a-month Boniva™ to maintain bone density in the manner to which Sally Field's skeleton has become accustomed, and who are no longer remotely interesting to marketers.
Since there was nothing for me to read or look at, I directed smoldering looks at the receptionist while smoothing my mustache and rubbing my hand across the "MUSTACHE RIDES 5¢" T-shirt stretched taut across my pecs, until she started acting all stuck-up and ignoring me. I tend to get a little tense at the dentist, so to unwind, I discretely huffed some WD-40 from a little can I always carry with me and then tried to ignore the sharp buzzing sensation in my jaw while thinking about the dream lifestyle magazine for my demographic. Unfortunately, when you really drill down into the characteristics that define that demographic, it turns out that I'm prertty much a cohort of one, because not a lot of people share my combined interests in mean, non-nutritive irony and staying at home with the blinds closed and listening to the police scanner.
But if I were the depraved, Dov Charney-ish boss of a lifestyle trend magazine, I'd call it SHINY. It would be aggressively rude and leave you feeling emptier and a little more soulless than before you read it. It would be a lot like Daily Briefs, only glossier!
Anyway, my gums are plump and muscley, with razzle-dazzle showbiz vasculature, and I'll hit this twice as hard on Monday, or The Pitch will gladly refund the ad click money we receive whenever you click on a Bud Light Lime ad banner.
"Remember: You should not take Boniva if you have low blood calcium, cannot sit or stand for at least 60 minutes, have severe kidney disease, or are allergic to Boniva."
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Dude, reproduction is not for you. Read it here and it saves you book reading, wasting good wine on infants, and a myriad of other things you don�t want to think about.
Also, I feel your pain of reading a publication that provides limited focus for folks in your demographic. Yet, I encourage you, find something in that publication and make it your own. Even if you are a cohort of one.
Finally, rest assured, when you were buzzed on the nitrous, someone took a mustache ride. It was likely the same dude that told you it is �normal� to have a sore throat after such a �dental procedure�.
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