Friday, August 29, 2008

Daily Briefs: Barack Obama's big speech

Posted By on Fri, Aug 29, 2008 at 10:26 AM

By CHRIS PACKHAM

Representative Spam from the Comments:

Miley-Cyrus-Fan says: hmm.. thank you very much. usefull information

Posted at: August 1, 2008 11:46 AM

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Barack Obama accepted the Democratic nomination last night with a pretty amazing speech. Uh, I actually mean that. Here's something I don't mean, so you can tell the difference: Kissing Rumer Willis would be exactly like kissing Officer John McClane — only without being gay!

This morning, I feel kind of like I got punched in the head. I can't think of anything mean to say about anyone. Except Wolf Blitzer. Have any of his important valves collapsed yet? Please, please, someone send a basket of cheese fries from the CNN commissary to his office. I'm a peaceful man, and I only wish he'd experience an incapacitating cardiac event that puts him on the sidelines for the duration of the campaign season.

After the jump, some actually mean things about political reporters. Oh, and because there are early reports coming in as I post this that Sen. John McCain might have picked foxy Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as his running mate, click here, or on this artist's rendering of the Republican ticket, to confirm that you are a Republican:

mccain_palin.jpg

The Washington press corps is the worst of all possible press corpses. Fortunately, the D.C. press corps has been churning up a lot of copy over the last week. Every morning, political beat reporters compete for the mantle of Fanciest Prancing Lad in the Room using one single completely transparent bullshit strategy: a bunch of pointy-headed observations about what the marquee convention speakers didn't say in their speeches. And they almost universally preface their farty commentary with the phrase "But what was most interesting is what she didn't say in her speech." Indeed, yes, there's nothing I enjoy more than listening to what a riveting orator didn't say, but usually I'm too distracted by the inconsequential stuff they actually did say to notice.

It's the Playskool Busy Baby Postmortem for lazy analytical vanguards. Christ, even Midwest Voices blogger Ross Balano gets in on it. Here's why it's so easy: The number of things a speaker didn't say is actually, literally infinite, and I'll just point out here that I didn't hear Sen. Obama warn children last night about making Tony Todd magically appear by saying "Candyman" five times. Is he serious about protecting children from the Candyman? This morning, USA Today's editorial page completely changes the game by squinting through its monocle and claiming that by saying things, Obama actually didn't say them:

"The speech was interesting, too, for what Obama didn’t say. Obama is the first African American to win a major party’s nomination — a moment so historic that few would have imagined it possible when he was born 47 years ago. Yet, accepting the nomination 45 years to the day after Dr. Martin Luther King delivered his signature I Have a Dream speech at a march on Washington demanding racial equality, Obama barely mentioned race and only briefly referred to King."

There you have it. By mentioning race and Dr. King, Obama did not mention race or Dr. King. Final Score: 7 on the Bristol Stool Scale, with a margin of error of WHAT THE FUCK, USA TODAY?

Over at Slate, Dahlia Lithwick smugly points out that the Democrats didn't talk about the goddamned Constitution. Here's one plausible explanation: The convention of a political party isn't a fucking civics class. They weren't discussing the Periodic Table of fucking Elements, either, Dahlia; what does that say about their commitment to chemistry class? I know they got too busy to provide a civil-service exam prep course in lieu of electing a president, but I've got 10 bucks that says the Republican party won't do it, either. Jesus Christ, it seems like the only good appraisal of Barack Obama's speech actually comes from this batty old racist:

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