By FLANNERY CASHILL
Yoo-hoo!
As a kid, I felt enchanted by Ren Fest. As an adult, I remember that my dad paid for that enchantment. Most renaissance festivals have degenerated into anachronistic mini-malls, an arcade of hand-crafted, hand-whittled, hand-blown bullshit. Ours may thrive on money misspent, but it’s still a bargain.
A donation to Harvesters earns you two-for-one admission, and the student ID policy is lax. A leper rattles through the fairgrounds, free of charge. At any moment, there are a dozen live shows, ranging from bush league, drama student sing-a-longs to elaborately orchestrated sword fights. The petting zoo only charges for kibble, ample photo opportunities await, and in this year’s “barbarian pit” you can hit a child with a foam bat for free.
The “barbarian pit” is part of a larger barbarian theme. In general, it gives the fair an uneasy atmosphere, one that teems with the possibility of spontaneous, child-on-child violence. “Point goes to the young man in the Nautica shirt!” There’s a sadistic edge to this year’s fair lacking in previous years; I remember the year of the faerie as middling, at best. And in one grotto, you can have your photo taken upon a throne of skulls and femurs. I did.
My one complaint about the leper: not leperous enough.
If you can spend money on other diversions, you should. Had I unlimited funds, I would have bought a staff, a fox fur cape, several wax hands, horned animal skulls, conjuring potions, a good ceramic mug, and a drawing of myself as a barbarian. For some reason, I thought I could buy a stuffed familiar to perch on my shoulders, but I must have been thinking of something else. A sampling of vendors, gleaned from the list at the Ren Fest Web site, original spellings intact:
Ye Old Sand Art
Ye Ol’ Caricature
Snooks & Crannies
Royal Eggs
Hobgoblin Adornments
Tickle Your Fantasy
Wolf-n-Sheep’s Clothing
Hypnosphere (my friend misread the sign as “homosphere”)
Ye Old Sand Art Creations (not to be confused with Ye Old Sand Art)
Some punk kids approached us, and I made spare change buying them pumpkin beer. Ever since I turned 21, I dreamed of the day that some kid in a Rancid shirt would ask me to buy him booze. I spent the money on some kettle corn and a veggie burger and enjoyed both, although I felt guilty eating my namby-pamby veggie burger in front of the village hag.
Some cannot afford soy alternatives.
I also spent $30 on a tarot card reading. This is the most I have ever paid for divination. The woman had a button that said “goddess” and big breasts that hung like sandbags. When she started talking about job-related stress (this is my job) and a pending traffic ticket (I don’t drive), I thought about asking for my goddamn $30 back. She told me I was thinking about pursuing jobs in New York City; you don’t have to read minds to see the City of Fountains logo tattooed on my arm. She redeemed herself with a few very spooky details. I’d tell you what, but I don’t want to jinx myself. If you find yourself at Mermaid Cove, holla at my girl in Mystics’ Manor.
At the end of the day we watched the joust. I don’t know if it was my slouch or my grimace, but somehow I got roped into an embarrassing audience participation thing, in which I “sheathed” the knight’s “hard, wooden lance” with “trinkets.”
“What is your name, fair maiden?”
“Flannery.”
“Valerie?”
“Flannery.”
“Hannery?”
“Flannery.”
“I will win this joust for you, Flabby.”
And win he did, in a torrent of applause and a geyser of fake blood.
Critics Bias: The St. Louis Renfest costs too much money, and last time I went, we got the cops called on us when my friend called for the death of the king. Boo!
And I should note that if in this review I sounded condescending, I didn’t mean to. I have utmost respect for all subcultures, excepting right-wing paintball factions. I have yet to find a significant, qualitative difference between my native subculture (“the punks”) and any other. I love goths. I love sci-fi dorks. I love anyone or any group that spends its hard-earned time and money on escapism, because seriously, fuck the world. I only wish there were more subcultures, possibly astronaut or cowboy related.
Random Detail: My dad has a habit of befriending anyone, and when I was a kid, he befriended the guy who can balance his son’s high chair on his chin.
By the Way: I’d really like to see a turn-of-the-century fest, with vaudevillians and nickelodeons and a blanket of industrial fog.
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Music is the progress of sound to reach the spirit for the instruction of its virtue.
The Ren Fest is a huge part of Kansas City History. It's not perfect, but what is now a days. Especially when it comes to businesses making money. Would you rather we be without such a festival? I look forward to taking my daughter there when she grows up and show her that you are never to old to use your imagination.....by the way, I'm not into dungeons and dragons nor do I own any nerd like clothing so don't ignore me as some Star Trek geek. I just know how to enjoy life and festivals that help me do so.
Huh. I find your take on the St. Louis Faire to be interesting since that's pretty much how I feel about KC's faire. Seems their entertainment has gone downhill in the last several years so I just go to visit friends and a few key shops. It's WAY more commercialized. Course, everyone is going to look for a different experience.
And you know...KC has had an "old-timey" photo booth a lot longer then St. Louis had. (I don't think St. Louis has it any longer)
Ok ok, sorry I didn't mean for this to get so long winded. I just think that the St. Louis faire, while it IS much smaller with fewer extraneous "activities" than KC, has done a pretty good job entertaining me. But again, everyone looks for a different experience.
so how much would you say I would spend at renfest for me, the wife, and two kids (under 5) excluding ticket price? i've never been but plan on going this weekend. And I assume I need cold hard cash, none of that plastic stuff?
Next time you wallow through a fest thinking only of contributing to delinquent minors and watching brain candy like jousts and sandbagging mediocre mediums, you might want to take a higher road. Try the living history tour.. heaven forbid you learn just how easy you have it.. Take in some of the non retail demonstrations, chain mail, blacksmiths, archers, tatters (lace makers), Da Vinci (what, you want a spotless timeline?? get over yourself) By and large the fest spends as much time educating and enriching as it does harvesting money from patrons. The complaint I have is that the money from this fest gets scooped up and dumped in the pockets of fests elsewhere in the country instead of making permanent improvements and upgrades. Imagine a full castle resort and hotel open year round, part of which includes our beloved yearly fest, and more special events throughout the year. Traffic and roads in the Legends/Speedway area has grown close and sufficient enough that whoever makes a move on this will live like a king.. well they will..
The STL Renfest may have a cheaper entrance price but there's really nothing to do there except shop. It's also very muddled: more medieval than Renaissance, really.
I got an old-timey photo taken, and that makes no sense at all.
Wait...I'm confused. St. Louis is too expensive? Isn't KC's faire more expensive than St. Louis'?
Or am I missing something?
Or maybe it's just the cost of getting there?
I admire your bringing the �40-Year-Old Virgin�-like �big breasts that hung like sandbags� crack to the Ren Fest geeks. But, such is unfair as nowhere in the region do I see a better cross section of Kansas City people than at the Ren Fest, and KC-folk are some breeding muthafuckers.
To me, Ren Fest is the cultural event of the year in KC and supplies me with an entire year's worth of axe throwing and mead drinking in a single afternoon.
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