Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Daily Briefs: Undressing the Republican National Convention with my sexist eyes

Posted By on Wed, Sep 3, 2008 at 11:24 AM

By CHRIS PACKHAM

From the comments:

wumble says:

If this space were a 3 by 5 customer comment card, the following are the boxes I would check before returning it to the Daily Briefs counter to get my gift certificate:

1. The Internet.

2. White/Not Hispanic.

3. Strongly Agree.

4. Somewhat agree.

5. 3 to 5 times a week.

6. Ross Balano updates.

7. Does Not Apply.

8. I have not had sex with a memeber of the same sex, or an African national, since 1978.

9. Highly Satasfied.

10. (The) Trevor.

Before I got hired to write for the Plog, I worked as a scientist at the University of Missouri-Kansas City School of Pharmacy. Specifically, I was paid in cash to ingest pharmaceuticals that had reached an advanced stage of the FDA approval process,

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and which paid for the plum schnapps and plastic-wrapped hoagies I needed to fuel my rigorous exercise regimen. "I'm a scientist!" I'd tell people at parties. It was very prestigious. I had a lab coat that I'd bought at Spencer's Gifts, which said "SCIENTIST" on it, and I was once hooked up to a very scientific dialysis machine when some cholesterol medication shut down my kidneys for a couple of weeks. Due to some papers I signed at my new hire interview, I'm legally barred from pursuing damages for some of the enduring side-effects. For instance, a couple of times a month, the left side of my body goes numb and I have to lay on the couch in front of the television, which is what happened last night.

So I watched the Republican National Convention, which is like the Democratic National Convention, only for the olds — it's less confusing and easier to operate, like a Jitterbug phone! More after the jump. Click here, or the delegation from Boca Raton:

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"These are stairs, Senator McCain. I've got you. We're going downstairs, now..." With a lineup that included Fred Thompson and former Democrat Joe Lieberman, Tuesday night's theme at the Republican National Convention was elevated PSA's, all of which is leading up to the nomination of Republican candidate Sen. Computer-Generated Orville Redenbacher. Who I understand can remember a time when he didn't have a Jitterbug phone or a Werther's Original candy for five and a half years. Weirdest moment of the night: Wrinkly sack of intestinal gas Fred Thompson pointed out Sen. Barack Obama's unfitness for command or diaper-changing or something, saying, "And we need a President who doesn't think that the protection of the unborn or a newly born baby is above his pay grade." And I'm like, a newly born baby? And then I was like, what the fuck? Sorry — the first thing that occurs to me is usually swearing. Then I thought maybe Thompson was talking about Andrea Yates, because, whoa, everybody hates Andrea Yates, what the hell was up with her, anyway, LADIES, AM I RIGHT?

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Although unvetted vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin is the Commander in Chief of the Alaska National Guard (domestic deployments), leads the largest state in the union (by acreage) and is the only thing standing between America and Red Dawn (besides the Bering Strait), the McCain campaign won't let her talk to any reporters. It's now been something like 120 hours since she was introduced by Sen. Heartbeat-with-eyeballs, but nobody gets to talk to her. She's very mysterious! The McCain campaign apparatus is now deflecting all questions about Palin's embrace of Alaskan secession, her possibly illegal firing of a police chief while she pursued a family grudge, her fitness for command and the campaign's failure to vet her until last Wednesday by claiming the media is sexist. At first, I thought that said "sexy." GROSS! For inadvertently making me think of Wolf Blitzer rubbing up against interns in the hallway at CNN, fuck you, McCain campaign. I've been walking around nauseous all morning, and it's not just the side-effects of the Renegal they make me take for my kidneys. Anyway, now that journalism = sexism, McCain's decided not to talk to sexist old Larry King tonight as a punitive measure for this sexist interview by Campbell Brown. Because, obviously, Larry King will use all of his gross old-man sexism on John McCain.

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