Hey, Science! Gather observable, empirical and measurable evidence about THIS! Scientists in Geneva activated the Large Hadron Collider without actually destroying the Earth. Maybe it's, like, broken or something? For a couple of months now, I've relaxed my stiff facsimile of social propriety and stopped paying tabs at bars and restaurants, and also stopped attempting to remember my co-workers' names or returning rental cars. IT WAS THE END OF THE WORLD, people.
Now I have to try to remember where I left all those Avises, and I might actually have to show up for this bench warrant I got served over some beef about illegally dumping medical sharps in a public park. Just because a bunch of European smartypantses want to get a long, steamy look at a Higgs boson particle to confirm their stupid predictions about the standard model of physics. In first-person Rickey Henderson-speak, Chris Packham don't give a damn if particles have supersymmetric partners; it ain't putting no food on Chris Packham's table or plum-flavored brandy in the paper bag Chris Packham carries to the bus stop.
The best-case scenario was that the collider would form a micro black hole, which would plunge into the center of the Earth and grow exponentially, destroying the planet from inside like a stomach ulcer with an event horizon, and I'd never have to pay off all these maxed-out credit cards or answer for the EEOC complaint the managing editor at The Pitch filed against me for repeatedly calling him "Mammy." How is that offensive? For Christ's sake, he's white.
The bottom line is that planet Earth is a 6,768,838,943,539,200,000,000-ton ball of iron, and solutions for destroying it are pretty much limited to (A) smashing it with an asteroid or (B) a particle-physics mishap, and if these things happened every day, I wouldn't be sitting here right now in the bail bondsman's office writing this over the stolen Wi-Fi connection from the Bikram Yoga studio next door. After the jump, an election sleaze roundup and some stuff about Satan. Click here, or you can choose between hard, empirical science or irrational magic superstition:
Election sleaze roundup: Maverick tax-cutting strict constructionist fiscal conservative Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin charged taxpayers in Alaska for 312 nights spent at her own house — about $60 a night, which is so much more expensive than a Day's Inn if you're traveling off-season, but The Washington Post says that the Palin house has an awesome Continental breakfast. Meanwhile, John McCain puts his honor on the line with a pervy ad that actually depicts Barack Obama leering at a superimposed image of some white children. Seriously!
This completely honorable campaign ad is the result of Obama's support for an education bill in the Illinois Legislature that would have required age-appropriate instruction for children about avoiding sexual predators. Seriously: If you're against that bill the way it's written, you're explicitly endorsing child molesting. I know John McCain isn't supporting the predators, because the NAMBLA lobbyists aren't allowed on the Straight Talk Express except during very, very strict lobbyist access availabilities. Plus, I heard that McCain can remember a time when he didn't have access to child predator education for five and a half years. Anyway, McCain has totally lost the support of lusty smoocher of Republican ass Joe Klein as a result, who calls it "one of the sleaziest ads I've ever seen in presidential politics."
Finally, after Obama accused McCain of wearing lipstick — which he totally does, along with the inch-thick layer of flesh-colored Duncan Hines frosting he was wearing during his acceptance speech — the McCain campaign pretzeled his words around and pretended he was calling Sarah Palin a pig. In other words, the McCain campaign has now explicitly put itself in the position of suggesting that its own vice presidential nominee is a pig. I hate it plenty when progressives use the baby-talk manipulative language of victimhood; when conservatives do it, it's like listening to your grandparents try to use slang. Instead of pointing out the obvious — that Barack Obama is too classy to call a nice lady a pig and that John McCain uses the "lipstick on a pig" line all the time — CNN actually refuses to take a position, posting the headline 'Lipstick on a pig': Attack on Palin or common line? Have I ever mentioned that I'm starting to hate question marks so much that I won't even dignify this sentence by ending it with one.
In event of rapture, this vehicle will be uncowed: A group of superstitious farmers terrified of Satan and integers and radio frequencies is challenging new federal regulations requiring the tagging of livestock with RFID chips because the devices are "The Mark of the Beast." HOLY COW EXCLAMATION POINT, would be the operative play on words that might be deployed by your smelly old Dave Barry, followed by I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP and then something unfunny about boogers.
Their lawsuit, WHICH WE ARE NOT MAKING UP, reads, "Use of a numbering system for their premises and/or electronic numbering system for their animals constitutes some form of a 'mark of the beast' and/or represents an infringement of their 'dominion over cattle and all living things' in violation of their fundamental religious beliefs..." So OK, I'm already going to burn for all eternity in hell's boiling ocean of hog entrails for learning the satanic Dewey decimal number system they used to use in libraries, and probably also for all the Ba'al worship and whatnot, because I am totally a sucker for golden calves. But seriously, Christians, are you really all that concerned about your cows not being raptured up into heaven during Armageddon? Leaving behind nothing but their cowbells and automatic milking machines? In fact, I think I'm now in favor of branding all cattle with a federally mandated 666 brand, because that would be really awesome and heavy metal, and it's been a long time since American agriculture fuckin' rocked.
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Alls I care about is that if the collisions start in October, they better not create a black hole until after fuckin Halloween.
I wish we were in the clear on that collider thing but simply turning on the machine is not what might cause a problem,, its when they get those particals to go the speed of light in opposit directions then collide,, that will happen in a few weeks i believe. i hope that damn thing blows up or something beforehand.
You can give butt hash to a pig, but I'm still going to eat it for breakfast tomorrow.
I think this whole thing its STuPID, you could use those millions of dollars to help people from the desasters that are happening now. They should read the bible and find out the origin of the universe. There was no evolution. They are just waisting their time, And money , and it make no sence, Seriously i just want to cry, this is so stupid in my opinion. And i cant stand it.
People, please, Think about it.!
Didn't understand a goddamn word. Are you, like, British or something? But thanks for your continued support.
Packham, what is up with the digg it thingamabob? Dude, grow some nards and have faith in your writing. Tell you what, get one of your touchy feely Democrat fiends to tell you that you are ok and a good person, pump out a hug, chug your Nyquil / Red Bull / Southern Comfort punch, and bring your ass back tomorrow from a bettah place with some muthafuckin� confidence already.
If after trying this you just cannot shake it, and still need another day of comfort food and Oprah, get Nadia to take you to JoCo and find that van-livin-hobo to do a guest appearance. That dude brought it and everyone lurves stab stories.
Now, get some unique shit up in this here echo chamber already, lose the digg it, and you had bettah advise all these n00bs that they WILL respect mah authoritah! Narrow ass indeed!
P.S. They won�t be mashing beams into each other for another couple of months, so the black hole possibility is still out there. For your sake, I hope it forms such a micro black hole that it only sucks up your Plogitical ramblings. Seriously, dude, if I want to hear Olbermann, I would tune into Olbermann. Tell me some shit I haven�t already heard in your whacky lovable Plogdentity; not your I-am-playing-jump-rope-with-a-pretend-rope-so-everybody-wins wishy washy Plogdentity.
Palin's not lipstick on a pig. She's a glory hole on the corpse of McCain's honor.
I'll be honest - I didn't know what that was and was afraid to Google it at work.
So yes, it's all about the frosting.
And yet call-backs to Jenkem huffing just sail right past you. Now I know what catches Mallory's attention.
I just think Duncan Hines is your Where's Waldo - find the frosting reference every week!
Mallory, I know a lot of people say Betty Crocker. To which I can only reply, "Oh, you mean Betty Cocker?" I'm sorry to be a total frosting partisan, but fuck Betty Crocker, man, that stuff is just mashed-up cardboard paste and artificial color made from babies. I guess the frosting gulf that separates you and me is just way too big, like the gulf separating the Capulets and the Boy-Ar-Dees.
...ah - that explains (the) Trevor's absence.
someone shoulda PK'd his narrow ass weeks ago.
Wumble - love the Charlotte's Web reference.
CP - Seriously? Duncan Hines ... again?
wumble, i'd tell you to eat it but i dont want us to look bad in front of the n00bs. this is the first time ever ive been a regular and not a n00b, so i feel cool today,. wait till they find out this is a pk server!
p.s. - color rendering don't work so stikin' good on The Pitch site, neither.
i'm guessing prolly 'cause it would put too much stress on the DAMNED VACUUM TUBES!
It's the end of the world as we know it...
It's the end of the world as we know it...
And I feel fine...
take that, gloomy gus!
Ah, heck. I wrote "this morning" twice. Now the new people will think I'm as clueless as Gus.
They haven't collided anything yet, that won't take place till weeks & we may not get results for months!
I forgot to add that this morning, at a McCain/Palin event at in a barn this morning, Obama was hiding up in a corner, releasing silver fluid from his spinnerettes, composing a message that read "Some Pig."
Charles Gibson was so impressed that he threw out his tough questions.
This party just filled up with people I don't know. Mr. Briefs, did you invite your dorm friends or something?
Either way, hi, everybody!
When (the) Trevor gets here, just smile and nod.
I thought that other stuff was interesting and all but what really caught my attention is your style of writing. I always wanted to become a reporter but I gave that up for a few other things but, you are really good Packham (sorry if I spelled your name wrong)and I will look forward to reading more of your work!!!!
lol, the blackhole theory is sooo stupid, i mean seriously, also im a christian and the not getting a chip in your animals is BS
Great article, too bad your article is dated 09-10-08, which means only one thing. You have been marked. You are lost, you are in league with the antichrist, and thus you are evil.
I did have an inital thought that you have written a most timely and awesome article regarding the LHC and the stupid supertituition of religious people. No-no, that thought MUST be the devil trying to get me to think.
I loved your LHC rant but you are clearly a doormat for the left, sorry to hear that, Socialist.
just to let u know that bomb thing and it is going to go off and destroy earth why do that for plz anserw mii coz i can not beleive u want to destroy alltha people i am really soz but anserw mii why do it and how did u build it and most of allwhen is it really going to happen thank u plz anserw mii....
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