Monday, September 22, 2008

Daily Briefs: Strong buy on Kevlar

Posted By on Mon, Sep 22, 2008 at 10:21 AM

By CHRIS PACKHAM

· Who's afraid of the political power of the snowmobile industry? Not The Kansas City Star's Laura Scott, who faces down Big Snowmobile and the Bush administration on behalf of the raccoon lobby, which has been busily wreaking havoc on the American recreational land vehicle industry with its clever little paws.

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While Big Raccoon and the Mountain Dew and insulin-guzzling snowmobile lobby can fit through any opening they can get their furry little heads through, they're nowhere near as terrifying and formidable as the lobbying power of the banking industry, which has been leveraging that power toward ensuring that taxpayers don't get much of a return on the proposed trillion-dollar bailout of the financial industry.

Now, even foreign banks are eligible for my fucking money. Swiss financial services company UBS — whose lobbyists, incidentally, work for the McCain campaign — gets engorged with a pleasing rush of taxpayer dollars, and it's not like they ever eat the Courtesy of the Red White and Shrooms basket at Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill. And meanwhile, what do foreclosed U.S. homeowners get? A tough lesson in responsibility, because you can't take a bunch of financial risks and expect the government to come along with its magical debt relief sparkle wand and wave it over every little problem. And John McCain is still a big dumb deregulatory gasbag.

After the jump, a look at terrifying local headlines. Click here, or just take a peek through the ol' Glory Hole, otherwise known as the most disgusting photo ever published in The Pitch:

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· Dreamy, institutional-sized Mayor Mark Funkhouser's Voltron-like embarrassment attachment, First Lady Gloria Squitiro, says she's tried to quit City Hall, but the mayor won't let her — it's a lot like that one Godfather movie that everyone hates so much, where Al Pacino keeps getting pulled back in, only more banal and admittedly a lot less pretentious and Greek chorus-y. Also, the mayor says innocuous Kansas City Star political cartoonist Lee Judge has made him consider quitting, which, really? Funkhouser may as well throw in the damp, smelly towel right now if that's the most embarrassing and humiliating public criticism he's experienced to date, and also, what is up with Lee Judge's drawings? They're like those spider webs constructed by spiders to which mean scientists have administered caffeine and crystal meth.

· Increase the peace, Kansas City, SRSLY, RESUME SNITCHING. The local news page at WDAF Fox 4 is terrifying with bullet propulsion this morning. I realize that Mayor Mark Funkhouser's core issue right now is enshrining his beloved and allegedly racially insensitive wife in the hearts of all Kansas City residents, including the mammies and the Bernie Macs for whom she has sacrificed so much of her dignity and respectability, but maybe he could follow up that initiative with some leadership on violent crime? Although the only surprising revelation about the guy who got shot in the head in the parking lot behind the area's metropolis of erotica, Erotic City, is that it got any coverage in the news whatsoever, like, of course you're going to get shot back there. DOG BITES MAN, you guys, if I were going to commit suicide, I would just go stand around Erotic City late at night, like, duh?

On the other hand, if violent crime is rising nationwide, where is the next generation of Death Wish vigilante movies? There's a huge appetite for it. Charles Bronson is dead now, and frankly, he was always a slightly unbelievable figure of righteous vengeance. To wit:

Buckskins-wearing, six-gun-fanning Charles Bronson is always going to be undermined by shirtless, pipe-smoking body-spray enthusiast Charles Bronson, the same way waste-cutting, pragmatic Mayor Mark Funkhouser is always going to be undermined by unaccountably stubborn bubble occupant Mr. Mark Squitiro. But the point is, going out at night in Kansas City is looking a lot less attractive these days than prancing around shirtless in my apartment while spraying down my taut abdominal muscles with the Japanese version of Axe body aerosol.

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