By CHRIS PACKHAM
Today is the 179th post of Daily Briefs. In celebration, we've tweaked the format such that we're now "eating our own dog food."
No, literally — with the money we earn by donating plasma and also copious amounts of sperm, leaving us post-coitally spent and ravenously hungry, we buy bottles of peppermint schnapps and cans of Always Save generic brand dog food, which we then share with the other hobos under the I-29 overpass. But we're also "eating our own dog food" metaphorically, in terms of the deployment right here in Daily Briefs of some of the amazing technological innovations we introduced to the marketplace. Specifically, our category-defining repurposing of Truck Nutz as bullet points. After the jump, the collapse of the United States as a political entity on the world stage, because what else are we going to talk about? Click here, or on Sexy Grandpa, the new mascot we've introduced to appeal to the coveted 18-24 demographic, because kids love their sexy grandpas:The dollar's ass got kicked in its nuts yesterday by the Treasury's audacious plan to take over the entire U.S. economy with no oversight, and, possibly realizing the monumental overreach he made by insisting on total unsupervised autonomy over the totally fake-sounding one trillion dollars he needs to bang the U.S. economic infrastructure back into shape, Treasury Sec. Henry Paulson and the Administration of House Bush are maybe possibly now making some concessions on that whole thing.
They'd have to print tons of new dollars to pay for the financial bailout plan, which, totally good thing they have a working mint out in the back yard. Didn't Venezuela demonstrate what an incredibly bad idea that was in 1998? In those days, oil was $13 a barrel, Chandler and Monica were at the top of the Nielsens, Brandy and different Monica were riding high on Carson Daly's Total Request Live, Total Request Live was riding high on MTV and a little lady named LeAnn Rimes asked America, "How do I Live?" Back then, thousands of decent people died from syphillis every year, while today we know how to treat it with plain old medicinal rubbing alcohol, which just shows to go ya: If you could travel backward in time just ten short years, your giant, futuristic brain would be revered as a genius by the simple, chattering natives of the 1990s. I would totally make them stage fights to the death, for my pulsating brain's amusement.
Oh, speaking of the U.S. Mint, they're updating the ugly, hateful penny by getting rid of the current design with that, whatever, that "boxcar thing" on the tails side, and replacing it with four new designs commemorating the bicentennial of the birth of President Abraham Lincoln, the world-bestriding collossus who stamped out the Southern Confederacy with one stomp of his rail-splitter's workboot. That will give Americans a whole new coin to dance for outside saloons and portside bars after the impending collapse of civilization, in order to buy shots of McCormick's whiskey.
As a conservative shibboleth, market deregulation is losing its insidery "secret handshake" cachet and also its basis as the entire foundation for the crumbling conservative movement, and in an effort to preserve it, some conservatives have settled on a newer and assier-smelling explanation for the financial crisis: Black people. Neil Cavuto, host of the Fox News show Your Liberty Spangled Eagle Patriot World, asked Democratic California Rep. Xavier Becerra, "[W]hen you and many of your colleagues were pushing for more minority lending and more expanded lending to folks who heretofore couldn't get mortgages, when you were pushing homeownership ... Are you totally without culpability here?"
So, there you have it. THANKS, WHITE AVENGER! Throw the New Great Depression on
the teetering pile of historic debris with all the other stuff black people are responsible for, along with the decline of our European heritage, taxes, crime and the nasally "white" voice black comedians use to make fun of such caucasoids as your Neil Cavuto. Among the black people responsible for the Chernobylization of our once well-endowed economy: John McCain Campaign Manager Rick Davis, who, as the President of the weirdly unhyphenated Homeownership Alliance, said, "The future of the housing market rests heavily on the economic success of minorities. Homeownership is likely to grow faster among minority Americans in the next decade if all the stakeholders in the housing industry work together to make it happen. The Homeownership Alliance is working toward this goal." QUIT BEING SO PREJUDICED AGAINST RICK DAVIS WITH YOUR HATEFUL RACISM, NEIL CAVUTO.Showing 1-14 of 14
Sadly, a few weeks back, I saw real Truck Nutz in the redneck town I live in. The first thing I thought of? Daily Briefs. It's great when life mirrors art.
Mr. Briefs comes online every day to make fun of the news.
(The) Trevor comes online every day to make fun of Mr. Briefs making fun of the news.
Other people come online once in a while to make fun of (the) Trevor making fun of Mr. Briefs making fun of the news.
It's the circle of motherfucking life, internet! If I didn't think I would be ridiculed for it, I would humbly suggest you each take what my Papa Wumble calls a "chill pill."
(He picked that phrase up from "Ally McBeal."
"We're closer to the end than we are to the beginning. I've had my eye on a stereo component reviewing position at about.com for a while, now."
Don't you threaten me, Chris Packham! I know I don't comment much anymore (and I changed my name and my blog address with no real notification - my bad) but I am still a loyal and devoted reader. You stay right where you are, young man, and don't make me come in there.
You're maybe familiar with the Denon DVD-1740 Progressive Scan DVD/CD Player? It's only the winner of the Best Stereo Component Grand Prix 2006 Award.
and how good an idea is it to make fun of the people who show up and read you everyday? christ.
We're closer to the end than we are to the beginning. I've had my eye on a stereo component reviewing position at about.com for a while, now.
I am saying that The Pitch is based on better writing than simple and unoriginal interpretation of other�s ideas. I am saying when you do rarely come up with something funny, you shouldn�t continue perpetrating it ad nauseam. I am saying geriatric bashing gets old! He he he�get it�geriatric�old?!?!
would you two just get a room already? youre both funny and confusing in your own ways (but chirs wins)
You're saying what, exactly? I should make more regular visits to the homophobia and pedophilia wells that animate so much of your anti-funny output? Or just make fun of recovering cancer patients? SRSLY, you're about as funny as a progeria documentary.
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