Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Daily Briefs: What rough beast has two thumbs and slouches toward Bethlehem?

Posted By on Tue, Sep 30, 2008 at 9:07 AM

By CHRIS PACKHAM

Emo Boehner is very sad. The Fed is furiously printing new money, since sad congressional Republicans' feelings got hurt by a MEAN STUPID LADY,

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causing them to reject the Wall Street bailout plan and go listen to Death Cab while cutting on themselves because AT LEAST THEN THEY CAN FEEL SOMETHING! Specifically, the Fed is coughing up around $480 billion in emergency lending programs and injections of cash into foreign money markets. I'm no economist, but I am extraordinarily sexy. And I know that Venezuela's 1990s experiment in printing money resulted in runaway hyperinflation, and I am totally dreading paying upwards of $500 for a veggie burrito.

After the jump, stuff from the news, plus a long boring story about the dream I had last night. Click here, or on the Empress of Drama, John McCain:

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MEANWHILE: The Republican National Committee has started running this ad trashing their own nominee's bailout plan. That nominee? John McCain. Good day. McCain's new idea is to stop calling it a "bailout plan" and start calling it a "rescue effort." I'm no political expert or high-paid Republican consultant or MC 900 Foot Carville, but shouldn't McCain be less concerned about the "framing" of a "bailout plan" and more concerned about "gigantic campaign stunts" like jumping his red-white-and-blue motorcycle over Snake River Canyon? This is my very favorite political rumor this morning w/r/t wrist-flapping campaign histrionics, via the colourful British reportage of the Sunday Times from "across the pond" in jolly olde Chaucerian Engelond, home of flats and lifts and lorries, where longen folk to goon on pilgrimages:

In an election campaign notable for its surprises, Sarah Palin, the Republican vice- presidential candidate, may be about to spring a new one -- the wedding of her pregnant teenage daughter to her ice-hockey-playingfiancé before the November 4 election.

Inside John McCain's campaign the expectation is growing that there will be a popularity boosting pre-election wedding in Alaska between Bristol Palin, 17, and Levi Johnston, 18, her schoolmate and father of her baby. "It would be fantastic," said a McCain insider. "You would have every TV camera there. The entire country would be watching. It would shut down the race for a week."

I always cry at shotgun weddings, it's just like watching the last three minutes of The Iron Giant or the last half of Wall-E, or really any other movie featuring a sad robot, you guys, I am so not kidding about that. They should TOTALLY dress John McCain up in a Captain's uniform and have him preside over the wedding.

Crazy stuff you did not know about: Not to go all Uncle Jesse on yall's ass, but what'n the sam hill is goin' on in Atlanta, Charlotte and Nashville? Residents are reporting major gas shortages which have been largely ignored by the media, still in its suggestible hypnotic trance caused by Sarah Palin's mesmerizing answer to Katie Couric's questions about Alaskan sovereignty. CHARLIE GIBSON, WHEN I CLAP MY HANDS, YOU WILL BE A HORNY ROOSTER. Because Sarah Palin is one of those dirty hypnotists, get it? Cities much closer to the path of Hurricane Ike have no gas shortages whatsoever, so don't be steppin' up all "Hurricane Ike" with that shit. Um, yeah: This isn't commentary, it's me seriously not having any idea what kind of weird Twilight Zone gasoline thing is going on all up inside Waffle House country. The world is insane, y'all, THE CENTER CANNOT HOLD. And I'm having a lot of bad dreams. The following is an email exchange with my little sister:

From: Chris Packham

To: Edwards, Jillian

Subject: Craziest dream ever

So, you and I find out that we're not really living in the real world. It's like "The Matrix." Only worse: We're characters in a video game, and we're being decommissioned. So they send us to this, like, concentration camp for decommissioned video game characters. And the lady who runs it sends us to this tent where they're going to render us new bodies. And I think, "Awesome, we're gonna be super-sexy action heroes."

And so they put you on a conveyor belt, and you go through a machine, and when you come back out, they've transformed you into a HAND-PUPPET OF A CHEESEBURGER. And they hand you to me, and you're squawking piteously, and I realize I have to take care of my little sister who is now a hand-puppet of a cheeseburger. IT WAS HORRIBLE. Before I woke up, I was running to the lady who ran the camp to demand that they change you back.

From: Edwards, Jillian

To: Chris Packham

Subject: RE: Craziest dream ever

>>> "Jillian Edwards" 9/29/2008 10:08 AM >>>

Oh man. While having the dream you must have felt awful and helpless. However, I laughed my ass off when I read this.

DAILY BRIEFS IS NOW MY DREAM JOURNAL, YOU GUYS.

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