By CHRIS PACKHAM
And a jolly Ten Days of Repentence: At sunset tonight, it will be Yom Kippur, a solemn day of atonement in the Jewish calendar. "Merry Yom Kippur" is not a traditional holiday greeting, you guys, do not make the same mistake I made. Although I am not myself Jewish,
I'm pretty sure that if I were, I'd have NOTHING TO ATONE FOR today because I am THE BEST and also because I paid my debt to society in a very real and legally binding sense at Leavenworth Penitentiary, and if God has a problem with that, He can take it up with the Parole Board and the Federal Probation System. At any rate, I wish all my Jewish friends the most repentent of Yom Kippurs and a return from solemnity to their battle-rap braggadocio at the stroke of nightfall tomorrow.After the jump, some thoughts about leadership, y'all, because you can't soar with the eagles while throwing rape kits at wolves from your helicopter. I saw that on a poster in Human Resources, and I have to say, it's in really bad taste. Click here, or click on this tasteless but inspiring executive motivational poster:
Dogs are the best at business: I paid good money for my diploma, and I'm often asked if I have some advice for recent college graduates. First: Five cents is bullshit, you should hedge against the persistent undervaluation of mustache rides, because the market will never reflect their true cost, you guys. I think it's because of federal subsidies. Second, I'd recommend that college grads immediately dye their hair silver and apply for jobs as CEOs and CFOs and really any C-level executive career track, because if you're in a leadership position when the "Mommy State" comes along and bails out your failed financial firm, you can take your free government money and buy a $400,000 vacation trip to a shmancy California resort, like the executives at AIG. Like, benefits or something? Since presumptive President Barack Obama called them out for it during last night's NOT AT ALL BORING presidential debate, I'll restrict my focus here to a few things I've learned about leadership recently:
For unimportant technical reasons, I've been reading a lot of books about puppies lately. One "take-away" point from the bulleted list I entitled PUPPIES and pinned up in my cubicle next to a picture of puppies, is that if you make eye contact with a puppy during a stressful situation — for instance, when the doorbell rings — you're indicating to your puppy that you expect him to take the alpha-dog leadership role in the situation. This is bad, as you'd know if you ever assigned a puppy to a crisis management role like hurricane recovery. Instead, you're only supposed to make eye contact with puppies when they're being GOOD DOGS, i.e., when they tithe or something. The result is that your puppy will look to you for leadership in stress situations.
As it turns out, this is unbelievably effective on people, too. Yesterday, after a few hours of judiciously chosen instances of eye-contact, I climbed all the way up to the top of the editorial chain at The Pitch, starting with the Copy Editor, moving on to the Managing Editor and eventually, for ten glorious minutes, becoming the Editor in Chief. I had my feet up on the big desk, and was on the phone with Nick Haines confirming my appearance on KCPT's Week in Review when my boss yelled, "GO TO YOUR CRATE," and I retreated to my cubicle so reflexively that I really didn't notice the transition, just one minute, I'm leafing through the EIC's Ziggy desk calendar, and the next, I'm back in my cubicle gnawing a vegetarian rawhide chew.
The ongoing collapse of civilization, Style Guide edition: Right now, The New York Kinda' Mainstream Times says, "Stock markets gyrated on Wednesday despite the action by central banks." Not to be a bitch, but the fucking fact of the matter is that the markets undulated, sexily. No, really, what a weird choice of verbs, gyrated? I thought the Times was supposed to be the best at writing and journalism, and now they're portraying various world markets with vivid "backwards cowgirl" imagery. Look, this is why you want your children learning filth at home, rather than in the Business section. I'm not a business writer — maybe the Kansas City Business Journal can speak authoritatively about the deployment of sexxxy imagery with regard to the volatility of world markets in the face of a global credit crunch, because lord knows I've got my hands full just getting my sidework done by 5 p.m. every day. Plog Shift Supervisor Faysal is getting a lot of pressure from the Floor Manager to cut overtime, and those salt and pepper shakers aren't going to refill themselves.
That's Daily Briefs for Wednesday, October 8th; tomorrow, I'll check in with another enthusiastic amateur rock and roll review. Here is the best NSFW way I can think of to spend the next five minutes:
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All I can say is thank goodness for Sarah Palin: she has single-handedly done more for the Kawasaki 704 line than all the top models paid to look good in them.
I would adore a photo of Sarah in one of her down-to-earth caribou hunter outfits!
And they're NOT that expensive for a limited time offer, you can find them online for the low, low price of $252.99! Nromally $375, get them HERE!
Hurry and buy now!
And I love how the product description literally says "worn by Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin."
p.s. - Colin Powell also wears the Kawasaki line: Contender or Pretender eyewear? Only November 4th will tell.
Too bad I wasn't there last night: when that one didn't take the hint when My Father wouldn't shake his hand at the end of the debate and then shook Mother's hand, I woulda cock-punched him, you betcha!
Going to see the 'Private Dancer' tonight? I understand Timothy Finn thought last Wednesday�s show was mind-boggling in many ways.
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