By CHRIS PACKHAM
I wish I had a survival bunker: Euro Pacific Capital President and predictor of terrifying economic collapses Peter Schiff says homeowners whose mortgages are turned over to the government in the Big Bailout of Ought-Eight should just stay in their houses and stop making payments. I think he's serious! His reasoning is that after a few years, the government will be extremely motivated to renegotiate your mortgage at very favorable terms.
Of course, like the joke-punchline structure of every short story by dead pulp horror author H.P. Lovecraft, the article ends with a ghastly surprise climax about the end of civilization as we know it — you only have so much time to spend all your defaulted mortgage money on the M&Ms® Heavenly Handfuls collection of frighteningly realistic baby figurines before hyperinflation causes the collapse of the United States as a political entity. LOOK UPON THEIR M&Ms BRANDED ONESIES AND TREMBLE! In the very near future, Ashton-Drake Galleries porcelain bisque figurines will be the only exchange medium supporting the subsistence economy that puts dried turnips on your table.
After the jump, the most astonishing thing about last night's presidential debate and some stuff about dead asshole Ayn Rand. Click here or on the M&Ms® Heavenly Handfuls collection:
Plumber Joe vs. the Vulva-cano: There was a debate. Last night. Which Sen. John McCain won! As in any ancient epic poesy, there were heroes and there were villains, and last night they went head-to-head, like the colliding football helmets from the over-the-top Hank Williams Jr. football-preparedness promo, which somehow nobody in the whole history of the internet has ever managed to transform into a juxtapositionally useful animated gif. Seriously, like, I could use it every single day? I AM ALWAYS READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL. Metaphorically, I mean, not in the sense of actually watching any.
Last night's hero was clearly Joe the Plumber. John McCain deftly employed Joe the Plumber as a little anatomically correct doll to show the electorate where the economy touched him. It was in bad places! Later, working class hero and rhetorically useful googly-eyed debate puppet Joe the Plumber called Barack Obama "Sammy Davis, Jr." in a regrettable interview with kinda' mainstream media news anchor Katie Couric.
If Joe was last night's hero, I think we all know who the villain was in the debate: The health of pregnant mothers. John McCain really sticks it to the "health of the mother" in this amazing clip:
Finally, a brave decorated war hero maverick who has the courage to stand up against the tyrannical and oppressive health of the mother. WHOOPS, I mean the
of the mother. TAKE THAT, lady doctors. John McCain ain't duckin' you. He will lay you out.
Being nice will get you laid, hello, DUH: An article about the biological basis for altruism drives yet another nail into the already well-nailed-shut coffin of smelly individualist douchebag Ayn Rand. Like my antipathy for Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Fight Club, it's not Rand's books that I hate as much as the dudez who are into them. And the books are pretty bad! If I see a guy walking around campus with a copy of Atlas Shrugged tucked under his arm, I already know everything I need to know about him.
In stark opposition to everything Rand ever said or wrote or believed, Science Daily reports that displays of altruism or selflessness can make you seem magically sexxxier to whichever gender you're trying to attract. As an experiment, I dressed up in the stupidest outfit I could think of: Stepdad jeans and a tucked-in denim shirt — basically the "regular guy" uniform Jay Leno and Jerry Seinfeld wear when they're not busy being unfunny on television.
Then I walked around town handing out some free hot dogs Quik Trip was just going to throw out at the end of the swing shift. How many women did I attract with my sexxxy, altruistic hot dog distributorship, despite my "Your Stepdad" costume? Frankly, the whole experiment was tainted since I forgot to seal off my apocrine glands with duct tape and my muscular pheromones were wafting around in a musky, oily mist. LADIES BEWARE! Specifically, beware my selfless altruism and the pheromone-secreting apocrine glands in my armpits. BEEEEE-EEEEER!Showing 1-7 of 7
When walking around campus I carry a copy of Atlas Shrugged to ward off air heads.
utterly disappointing from an aspiring journalist in this era. however; i can feel no remorse for the likes of wesley mouch.
Altruistic behavior that serves a self-centered purpose (e.g., finding a mate) is not exactly a refutation of Rand's particular brand of "rational selfishness." Evolutionary biologists have long referred to the phenomena of "reciprocal altruism," and while the terminology is different -- i.e., it involves Rand's hated "altruism" -- the concepts aren't that far removed from what she had in mind. But what Rand would think of all this had she lived to see the rise of evolutionary psychology is anyone's guess.
And yet, the fact that your chosen badass screen name is adopted from a legendary Nordic hero proves my childish point about Objectivists so forcibly that it breaks. "Scourge of France?" HAHA. More like, "Scourge of a plate of cheesy-tots."
Is this supposed to be a serious argument? All that article demonstrates is that altruism is rampant in our culture. I know woman that are attracted to rationally selfish men. This study really proves nothing at all except for that the participants are altruistic people. Being altruistic or selfish is a matter of choice.
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