By ALAN SCHERSTUHL
Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from area basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
My Vision of the Destruction of America Atop Empire State Building
Author: A. A. Allen
Publisher: A. A. Allen
Date: 1954
Discovered at: Salvation Army Store, 6219 Johnson Drive, Mission
The Cover Promises: Allen's off by roughly 50 blocks and 47 years.
Representative Quote:
Page 24, “I was amazed to hear the Statue of Liberty speak out in reply, 'I WILL NOT DRINK.'”
Here's what happened.
Just one day after finishing his anti-Mormon book, Seven Women Shall Take Hold of One Man, A. A. Allen – almost certainly the first doomsday evangelist listed in the phone book – rode an elevator to the top of what was then the world's tallest building. There, after a couple minutes of scorning the United Nations (“It is man's supreme effort to gain peace without the help of God!”), Allen experienced a vision from God.
A deeply silly vision.
What God revealed:
*The entire North American continent spread out before him “as a great map upon a table.”
*The Statue of Liberty standing in the Gulf of Mexico.
*A “gigantic hand” taking the statue's torch and giving her a giant cup with a giant sword in it.
*God's into peer pressure. “I heard these words, 'Thus saith the Lord of hosts, Drink ye and be drunken, spue and fall, and rise no more, because of the sword which I will send.'”
*“When the cup was withdrawn from the lips of the Statue of Liberty, I noticed the sword was missing from the cup, which could mean but one thing. THE CONTENTS OF THE CUP HAD BEEN COMPLETELY CONSUMED!” Also, here's some helpful insight: “I knew that the sword merely typified war, death, and destruction.”
*A lightweight, sword-swallowing Lady Liberty nearly passes out.
*Meanwhile, a black cloud in the shape of a skeleton rises from Alaska and spews white gas from its mouth, covering the United States but ignoring Canada.
*“St. Louis and Kansas City were enveloped in its white vapors . . . Then on they swept until they reached the Statue of Liberty where she stood staggering drunkenly in the blue waters of the Gulf.”
*Soviet missiles. The death of America. As tends to happen in crap of this sort, saints rejoice as the wicked perish.
Fortunately, Allen has published a shelf full of books to prepare us for the end.
Shocking Detail:
The remainder of Allen's tract explains why and how this will happen. The book is subtitled "Will Russia Invade America?" but Allen identifies no Cold War causes for America's destruction, writing only that it will be Soviet missles and nerve gas doing most of the killing. This Soviet aggression seems a manifestation of divine will, especially when Allen gets all caps-lock passionate with declarations such as “God declares that as sure as America has sown, SHE SHALL REAP!”
Why is God pissed? Do the math.
* “There are millions of 'religious' people in America who have never been born again.”
*“In New York City, 92 per cent of the young people are untouched by any religious activity whatsoever.”
*“A recent current digest magazine states that there are eight million homosexuals in America today, and that one twentieth of the population are sex perverts.”
*“There are 10,000,000 Table Tennis players; 20,000,000 play Bingo regularly and twice as many indulge in sporadic intervals.”
*“About 200,000,000 inhabitants in America cheerfully spend $150,000,000 a year for the mental agony of roller coasters and other carnival thrills.”
Some sins cannot be quantified with numbers. Allen is especially incensed by the midcentury vogue for individuality: “Those professed 'social scientists' who are doggedly teaching 'self-expression' for youth are advocating a ruinous doctrine.”
Highlight:
Penned on the title-page:
Your Crap Archivist contacted KMBC Channel 9 anchor Larry Moore, concerned that he might have misplaced his paperback apocalypse. The book was news to him: “No, it's nothing I recognize, Alan,” he replied in an e-mail.
No doomsday visionary himself, Moore believes in self-expression. “Every once in a while one of my gardening books ends up in a thrift store or antique store,” he continued before adding helpfully, “Larry Moore's 20x30 Backyard Garden Guide, 1978, Andrews McMeel Universal Press.”
Bonus Crap!
Speaking of end-of-the-world madness, here's a postcard I found in a raggedy old shop in Berkeley, California, in 2003.
This is as close as most of us will ever come to having sex with Rudy Giuliani.
Click for more exciting "Studies in Crap!"
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Hello pal. This a nice post. 10x for sharing this interesting article with us. Cheers!
Fergie Women's Isatope Magenta/Plum - Fergie is best known for being apart of the band The Black Eyed Peas. From her success as a singer Fergie has created her own brand of womens shoes and sandals. Here is one of Fergies sandals, a beautiful and chic sandal with a decorative fabric ruffle embellishment on the T-strap. Great for adding extra dazzle and flair to any outfit.
*�About 200,000,000 inhabitants in America cheerfully spend $150,000,000 a year for the mental agony of roller coasters and other carnival thrills.�
Allen is sneaky. Population was about 150 million. He must be counting every incident of roller-coaster riding and carnival thrill-seeking, which would then seem low.
I'm pretty sure I am going to go on the wagon. No more late night bingo in smokey, backroom American Leagion halls for me. I don't want to be one of those who on the wrong side of God's good graces.
I'm pretty sure I am going to go on the wagon. No more late night bingo in smokey, backroom American Leagion halls for me. I don't want to be one of those who on the wrong side of God's good graces.
Allen wrote a book about me years ago. I sold it to him so I could afford to by myself a new phone with a new number. It was annoying all those years getting Satan's calls.
I love the post card so much that it hurts me. What is it supposed to be? Globe, ass, World Trade Center, beach?
Are you shure this is reprinted correctly: �God declares that as sure as America has sown, SHE SHALL REAP!� maybe AA (needs to go to)Alan meant SO SHALL SHE RAPE!!! You know all the penis envy is inverted pussy rage!!
It is disturbing that Triple A did not see the real meaning of his vision. The black skeleton is certainly oil and the white vapors carbon emissions. This is made clearer because he is named after the only organization that exists only to increase carbon emissions, using the bitch name, �motorist assist�.
Then again, maybe the black skeleton is Barack Obama and the white vapor is the smooth articulation that apparently tickles oh so many nutsacks.
I suppose if Obama wins, it is the later, McCain, the former because one thing is for sure�that vision wasn�t had, written, and rediscovered by the Crap Archivist on pure chance.
Every word of this book is available online. The link is on my name if Pitch links work the way I think they do. Enjoy, I guess.
The affordable title Invasion from Hell promises to be action-packed, electifying, and a major motion picture starring Vin Diesel.
I had sex with Rudy Giuliani, and then the strangest thing: I could've sworn I saw all of America lay out before me like a map upon a table.
How did those 200 million people manage to spend only 150 million dollars on all that mental agony? 75 cents a shot? Or does he mean 150 million dollars each?
What's so gross is the way these guys like this seem to get off on God destroying the world. From Falwell to Robertson to that douche who prayed for rain during Obamas Denver speech?
I'm REALLY curious about his book on renewing your youth. If you run across it and grab it for me, I'll totally pay you back.
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