By CHRIS PACKHAM
I went to a Halloween party dressed in my street clothes, you guys. I am the cranky old man who needs to learn about the true meaning of Halloween, okay, shut up. Here are a few study questions:
Having framed the whole story in the form of a bulleted list of ambiguous questions, I've spared myself the embarrassment of having to actually tell the story, which would involve deploying Dave Barry-isms like, "WHICH WE SWEAR WE ARE NOT MAKING UP."
I'm letting YOU, the reader, decide if the preceding unbelievable thing happened, because I wouldn't believe me either, if I told myself that story, and I have heard some crazy shit from myself. Now that The Office has weighed in on the whole Halloween Ledger Joker phenomenon, it's probably like the new "Dane Cook Sucks," which replaced "Carrot Top Sucks," like, six years ago. I will try to be a better cultural firebrand in the morning. After the jump, election links and the funniest thing that happened this weekend. Click here or on the CLOWN PRINCE OF GOTHAM, you guys:Dyn-O-MITE! As a convicted felon, I can't vote... in Missouri! I voted absentee a few weeks ago with a Spanish-language ballot obtained from my "residence" in Puerto Rico, and let's just say that if the whole thing comes down to a single tossup vote in Trujillo Alto, I will shake the foundations of history, y'all. I have to ask: If John McCain loses, will white people riot in the streets? HAHAHA, just kidding, white people, nobody wonders about that. In fact, I guess people are more or less worried about something like the opposite happening.
McCain has Barack Obama right where he wants him, which is 10 points up in the Gallup. Hey, remember "momentum?" In non-election years, it's the product of mass and velocity, and physicists and race car drivers think about it a lot. It used to be that during election years, politicians would talk about having "the momentum" — or, in the case of Joe Lieberman, "The Douche-mentum," but all that kind of went out of style, like "Dane Cook Sucks." Remember "Dane Cook Sucks?" Its MySpace has, like, three million friends. Anyway, McCain just remembered about "the momentum," and now says he has it. And then he was like, "Hey, Obama, up your nose with a rubber hose," and, "Sit on it!"
Over the Weekend: Against all odds, Ben Affleck repaired in eight minutes the damage it took five years, Daredevil, Gigli, Paycheck and Jersey Girl to fuck up. His whole career, is what I'm saying. I know, I know, I'm surprised, too. This is so seriously great. I watched it twice to make sure I wasn't wrong about how great it is:
Also, Saturday Night Live is like, really good or something? Imagine if they brought back Hee Haw, and it turned out to be unbelievably smart and entertaining and everybody loved it. That would not be more surprising than the rise in quality on Saturday Night Live.
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How funny, I had very similar thoughts while watching Saturday Night Live this weekend.
Why is it always 'apples'?
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