By CHRIS PACKHAM
Okay, you guys, this is it. The Missouri polls close at 7 p.m., so please visit them. What with my busy morning of ab crunches and The View, we're going to have to be quick today, so after the jump, I've provided some more things you can vote for if you didn't get enough voting down at the Senior Center or the high school this morning. Please choose carefully between the following candidates:
MEDIA SCOOP: Kansas City Star columnists Jenee Osterheldt and Yael T. Abouhalkah will be collaborating in coming weeks on Point/Counterpoint opinion pieces regarding subjects like stormwater finance, Kendrick Blackwood's performance as the Mayor's Chief of Staff, the relative cuteness of puppies and eight great ways to survive your period. Who would you side with on the issues, you guys? VOTE OR DIE:
SANITARY MATTERS: "Toilet paper — and no baby wipes — in the bathroom," says Hustle & Flow and Iron Man star Terence Howard, answering a question posed by Elle magazine about relationship deal-breakers. "If [women are] using dry paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. So if I go in a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean."
So, thanks, Terence Howard. Thanks a lot. I haven't been able to get that vivid imagery out of my head for the last two days. Now, when I see a pretty woman coming down the sidewalk, instead of a pleasant four-second reverie involving taking her to dinner, seeing her safely to the door and asking her father for permission to marry her, I'm wondering how much escherichia coli and gram-negative fecal-borne microflora she's depositing on her butt via toilet paper. Ignorance is dirty, dirty bliss, you guys. Would you guys vote for toilet paper or baby wipes? Click below:
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On a deadly serious note I'd also like to plead with your IT minions to re-enable the full posts in feed readers (this just changed). That shit ain't nice!
I once got my finger stuck in one of those dispensers and could only extract it with the help of needlenosed pliers.
Okay, it wasn't my finger.
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