By CHRIS PACKHAM
It's a historic day, you guys, I will totally frame my November 5th issue of the Northeast News, the useless, unwanted newspaper thrown at my yard by meth-heads from the broken-out window of a 1978 Ford Pinto wagon amidst a cloud of withering black auto exhaust while simultaneously huffing gasoline from a mayonnaise jar and slapping at a filthy toddler in the back seat. If you're not receiving your issues of The Northeast News, it's available for free on top of the cigarette machine down at the pizza place, right next to the Auto Trader. Seriously, I will treasure this badly-written, completely useless trash forever:
SCARES IN SCARRITT, you guys, kids totally went trick-or-treating on Halloween, EXTRY, EXTRY! Also, on this date, November 5th, 2008, Barack Obama is your new President. After the jump, more stuff about the election, plus an open letter to the future. Click here or here:
THANKS FOR ALL THE EMAILS, David Plouffe, you can drop me from your contacts, now, please, I will pay you, like, a hundred dollars to end the bombardment. Also, Missouri is, like, Florida or something? I didn't wait up to see the results in Missouri, and this morning it looks like McCain won. But the AP and The New York Times are too bone-tired to color in Missouri on the map; it's still as lily-white as the frightening racist crowd who gathered around McCain's concession speech yelling BOO every time McCain mentioned the black man.
In a gracious gesture, Barack Obama reached out to conservatives, calling his election a disaster for the whole country, not just for "red states" and "blue states." HAHA, no, he totally did not say that, I was just jivin' y'all.
But Jesus, that speech? The last five minutes were no last five minutes of Wall-E or last five minutes of The Iron Giant, but it was nearly as effective at tearing me up as a movie about sad robots. Seriously, you guys, go watch The Iron Giant if your tear ducts are constipated, take it from your old pal Daily Briefs.
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY UNBORN CHILDREN:
Dear Friedrich and Gretel,
Your mother did not know that I filled in your birth certificates without telling her. HAHA. That's just the way your ol' dad rolls, y'all. I am writing to you from the futuristic year of 2008, and it's kind of stinky all up in this place. Yesterday, I went and voted for Barack Hussein Obama out of an obviously naive hope and belief in the future of America, etc. etc. etc., and also the hope that y'all could have a better life than your day-labor college dropout dad. Seriously, life is a bitch, and the sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be. Gretel, go get your old man a beer out of the fridge.
Friedrich, now that we're alone, I've been meaning to tell you that you are totally my favorite child, y'all, I really pulled the donkey lever for you yesterday. If it was just Gretel, I'd have voted for ol' Poopypants, what's-his-name, but I had you to think about. So not kidding, if I had a fortune I'd leave it all to you, but I did write your sister out of my life insurance policy. Op, here she comes, shut up. Thanks for the beer, Gretel, srsly, way to go with that! Hey, Friedrich, it looks like some meth-heads just dumped the useless fucking Northeast News in the front yard. Would you run out and throw a rock through their car window? Thanks, man, totes appreciate it.
Gretel, now that it's just you and your ol' dad, you do know that you're my BFF and favorite child, right? That is why I had to vote for Barack Hussein Obama, y'all, I just want a better future and unlimited opportunities for my totes fave daughter and Bone Thug Offspring 4 Life. Friedrich can go fuck himself, I am totally leaving you the table saw and my lifetime subscription to The Northeast News. And srsly? I don't think I'm actually Friedrich's father. He looks like Hearne Christopher Jr.! I think your mom might have had a fling with him or something. Op! Here he comes! Pretend we were talking about Dora the Explorer... see, honey, that's why Diego will always make more money than Dora in the workplace — boys are worth more than girls! Oh, hey, Friedrich, good job chasing off those garbage-distributing tweakers, srsly.
Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, it was important to me as a dad to ensure that the American dream is renewed so that you two can set out on the great circle of life and Hakuna Matata and stuff, you know? So I went and voted for Barack Obama, end of story.
Yours very truly,
Dad
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Love the letter to Friedrich and Gretel. You've got some lucky unborn kids there. And, srsly, I am totally coveting your copy of the Northeast News.
I've never seen this Obama poster, it's gorgeous.
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