By CHRIS PACKHAM
EXTRY, EXTRY! Apparently, all the ailing print industry needs is for Barack Obama to be elected President every day of the week, because special commemorative editions of Wednesday papers sold out across the country, including Wednesday's Kansas City Star.
By contrast, the Northeast News starts out as trash and then gets dumped in your front yard by low-paid employees who are legally required to maintain a 50-yard distance from parks, schools and children. And there's nothing you can ever do to stop it from coming, because that would reduce their circulation. And it's not like they have to tell their advertisers that people throw the paper directly into the trash without opening it. So, consider that a pro-tip for the Star. Y'all, I'm tired of picking that shit up off the lawn, is what I'm saying.After the jump, some incredible stuff I read in Newsweek and a great quick-bake recipe for German chocolate cake made out of Ding Dongs. Click here or here:
¡Es muy bueno! According to KMBC Channel 9, Missouri exit polls show that voters were worried about "the direction of the economy." "No doy," as the girls in my fourth grade class used to say, for some reason, and maybe still do, for all I know — we haven't "kept in touch," I am so bad about that. And apparently, y'all were also worried about whether or not anybody was speaking Spanish at public meetings, or something? "Official language." I like English as much as the next antisemitic H.L. Mencken, but do all y'all actually think anybody was speaking in Spanish at City Council meetings? Because they totally were not. Why anyone was worried about that in the first place, I have absolutely no idea. Like, omygod, what if they start debating street improvements in a language I don't understand? Maybe you just wanted to "send a message" to anyone who owns the Spanish language edition of Robert's Rules of Order. I don't know these things, you guys are a mystery to me, you guys. You are an enigma wrapped in a Keyser Soze shrouded in an M. Night Shyamalan.
Obviously, I'm assuming this was an anti-Mexican ballot measure, but if anyone wants to conduct some important city business in the robust, sensuous cadences of Dutch-Afrikaans as a display of non-violent civil disobedience, I will totally come and chant HEY HEY, HO HO in support. Given demographic trendlines, you are not going to be able to protect your children from the hugely entertaining Sabado Gigante forever.
I want to "make love" to Newsweek this morning: An internecine wave of funny recrimination inside the McCain campaign isn't really surprising, but Newsweek has this aorta-clogging 1/3-pound BK Loaded Steakhouse Burger of an article with a whole lot of stuff like this:
NEWSWEEK has also learned that Palin's shopping spree at high-end department stores was more extensive than previously reported. While publicly supporting Palin, McCain's top advisers privately fumed at what they regarded as her outrageous profligacy. One senior aide said that Nicolle Wallace had told Palin to buy three suits for the convention and hire a stylist. But instead, the vice presidential nominee began buying for herself and her family—clothes and accessories from top stores such as Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus. According to two knowledgeable sources, a vast majority of the clothes were bought by a wealthy donor, who was shocked when he got the bill. Palin also used low-level staffers to buy some of the clothes on their credit cards. The McCain campaign found out last week when the aides sought reimbursement. One aide estimated that she spent "tens of thousands" more than the reported $150,000, and that $20,000 to $40,000 went to buy clothes for her husband. Some articles of clothing have apparently been lost. An angry aide characterized the shopping spree as "Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast," and said the truth will eventually come out when the Republican Party audits its books.A Palin aide said: "Governor Palin was not directing staffers to put anything on their personal credit cards, and anything that staffers put on their credit cards has been reimbursed, like an expense. Nasty and false accusations following a defeat say more about the person who made them than they do about Governor Palin."
I could not decide how much to stick in blockquote tags above you guys, and I was halfway tempted to paste the whole article here because the WHOLE THING IS JUST LIKE THAT, SRSLY, go read it. And it's not just stuff from inside the McCain campaign; there are tons of revelations about the Obama campaign, too. Oh, crap, I am irresistibly compelled to ctrl-c ctrl-v another one:
The debates unnerved both candidates. When he was preparing for them during the Democratic primaries, Obama was recorded saying, "I don't consider this to be a good format for me, which makes me more cautious. I often find myself trapped by the questions and thinking to myself, 'You know, this is a stupid question, but let me … answer it.' So when Brian Williams is asking me about what's a personal thing that you've done [that's green], and I say, you know, 'Well, I planted a bunch of trees.' And he says, 'I'm talking about personal.' What I'm thinking in my head is, 'Well, the truth is, Brian, we can't solve global warming because I f---ing changed light bulbs in my house. It's because of something collective'."
And Newsweek has "more to come" from their "special project" of, whatever, "spying on the campaigns" or something.
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