By CHRIS PACKHAM
Science Whatever: Hey, scientists have figured out how sharks can swim so fast! They can raise their scales, creating tiny wells that reduce drag, like the dimples on a golf ball. Kansas students are excused from knowing about this. Kids, in accordance with your tribal superstitions, sharks swim fast because the prophet Elijah ascended into heaven on a whirlwind — like a cow! Also, scientists have figured out why sharks are so good at eating: It's because of their huge mouths. This has been Daily Briefs Science Whatever.
After the jump, Timecops report that Kansas City is going to make national headlines in the near future, and we all owe the Cordish Company $4 million. Click here or here:
National buttheadlines: The Wall Street Journal has a reporter in Kansas City talking to City Council members about the hugely entertaining Funkhouser disaster — Ed Ford says he was asked about the the Mayor conducting city business out of his home in Brookside, where his magnificent spouse, First Lady G. Squitiro is free to wander around spouting whatever racist entendres cross her unshod prefrontal lobe, like an Alabama sheriff with Tourettes Syndrome, and Kendrick Blackwood has to be all, like, "HAHA, ANOTHER GOOD ONE." But I think we're all excited by the possibility that she might be rendered in an old-timey stipple-portrait, like Alan Greenspan or Warren G. Harding. Does it feel like it's been a long time since Kansas City was humiliated on the national stage? Shit, it's been, like, a whole year since Lady Sausage Finger's hilarious Christmas newsletter about the mayor's butt exam hit the Washington Post, so that's kind of a long dry spell, y'all.
The high cost of beer in plastic cups: Welp, Kansas City's budget crunch just got a whole lot crunchier, and taxpayers will owe about $4 million to meet the bond payments for the not-at-all inauthentic or corporate or douchey Power & Light entertainment district you may have noticed blocking off downtown sidewalks in an unfinished state of construction for, lo, these last twenty years or something. The Cordish Company is the best at taking things really slowly, and the district has therefore failed to meet its optimistic revenue projections. Plus, what with the worldwide credit econocalypse driving up interest rates, it's kind of like KC built its prefabricated douchetorium with a payday loan from the King of Kash.
Crazy man from the plains: HAHA, nutball Rep. Paul Broun of the great state of Georgia, home of peach orchards and Designing Women, says President Elect Barack Obama wants to impose a "Marxist dictatorship" reinforced by a Gestapo security force. I guess he would do that in his "first 100 days," an arbitrarily chosen measure of Presidential performance. Back in the early days of the Bush administration, the internet kept warning me about the Bush fascist dictatorship, and as far as I know, there are no Anne Franks hiding inside my house and we still haven't invaded Poland. So I guess America just doesn't like or trust Presidents very much. And YES, I hear all your boring arguments about the unstoppable momentum of fascist corporatism, thanks and shut your racist piehole, Ralph Nader, you are America's crazy racist grandpa now.
Oh, but Rep. Paul Broun? He says that the revived civilian reserve corps proposed by BOTH BUSH AND OBAMA would actually be the jack-booted paramilitary democracy-crushing Gestapo that would enforce Obama's socialist agenda. I did not study "revanchist political rhetoric" in college, y'all, I was too busy with my HVAC studies, but I will go out on a limb and say that revival of "red-baiting" is not going to be a successful tactic for the Republican party, inasmuch as back when communism was actually a viable political issue, your grandparents still had their teeth and firm, sexy buttocks. HAHA, I made you think about your grandpa's butt.
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Wow, you really went to Catholic school? I bet your school stories can totally beat mine ...
I'd ask how you turned out the way you did, except that my Catholic schooling, with its emphasis on critical thinking, resulted in a total rejection of superstitious voodoo magic, like transubstantiation and whatnot. So anyway, way to go, Kansas!
Your first paragraph totally summarized my entire Kansas high school experience.
"Um, kids? All I'm allowed to say is that evolution, it's a theory. Creationism is also a theory. This is all I will say for this chapter." Seriously, that's a direct quote.
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