By CHRIS PACKHAM
Assume the position, internet: How long does The Kansas City Star think it can get away with publishing "Kansas City-area Business Briefs," a blatant, clumsily-titled Daily Briefs rip-off compiled by Mark Davis and David Hayes? Did they think I wouldn't notice? The fact that they refrain from the use of colorful filth-language and substitute dry AP-style declarative sentences for a snotty attitude can't hide the DNA of their daily roundup of news capsules. According to experts who have listened to, and then quoted verbatim, the message I left on Star Reader Representative Derek Donovan's voice mail, I'm the worst nightmare of every professional business writer in the country: A day-laborer with an MBA, a chip on his shoulder and two minutes to deadline. I hope you aced "Large Cash Settlement" studies at lawsuit college, because I am not some "idea fetus" you can harvest for "idea stem cells," you guys. And if you think I can't come up with more metaphors involving fetuses, you've got a whole 'nother analogy coming right after the jump. Click here or here:
Truck Nutz: DC Comics superhero the Flash is kind of a boring character who responds to every single problem that he encounters by running really fast. Similarly, General Motors is a boring company that responds to every business problem by building SUVs. It's literally all they know how to do. Now falling gas prices have boosted SUV sales, but analysts say that without a federal bailout, GM is likely to go bankrupt. Even Bloomberg says that "Investors may be concluding that GM will fail," but we're supposed to believe that in this instance, the assy-smelling invisible hand of the free market — the "Andrea Yates" of economic Darwinism — should not be allowed to finish the job by drowning General Motors in the bathtub. Look, I know there are literally thousands of jobs on the line, here, but you can't tell me that a culture that enjoys watching the demo implosions of Las Vegas casinos and viral videos of iPhones going through blenders wouldn't be just a little bit satisfied watching one of the Big 3 automakers melt down and sink into the Earth's core. Put it another way. From the first frame of this video, you already know exactly what's going to happen by the end:
The first minute and twenty seconds are so suspenseful. But when it finally happens — if you're like me — it inspires deep satisfaction, followed by a surge of the neurochemical oxytocin, and then rolling over and falling asleep without cuddling. There's never a moment in the entire duration of the clip in which you hope somebody jumps out and saves the truck from being crushed at the last minute. So, YES, I'm rubbernecking at the collapse of a gigantic American company, what are you, Judge Reinhold?
Daily Briefs in the kitchen: Last night, I was experimenting with some foods in the kitchen, and invented a Midwestern twist on a healthy Mediterranean favorite, which I call Creamy Falafel Salad.
Ingredients:
16 oz. package of falafel mix
Water
1 jar mayonnaise
Preparation:
Mix and deep fry falafel patties according to box directions.
Place falafel in a large bowl. Add entire jar of mayonnaise and stir. Serves 2, or whatever.
Vegan Creamy Falafel Salad variation: Use a jar of Vegenaise brand vegan salad dressing instead of mayonnaise.
Meat Lover's Creamy Falafel Salad variation: Add three pounds roasted lamb to original recipe.
You guys, the possibilities are endless. Creamy Midwestern Falafel Salad is a blank canvas on which you can project an entire universe of possibilities. In the same way that a fetal stem cell harvested at a blastocyst factory can grow to become anything from a heart valve to an actual living centaur, Creamy Falafel Salad is the pluripotent progenitor cell of all possible recipes. For instance, by substituting the two primary components, falafel and mayonnaise, with a tungsten filament and a vacuum-sealed glass globe, you can make a light bulb. Replacing the falafel and mayo with Gloria Squitiro and an African-American City Hall employee makes a law suit, HEE-EEY-O!
Showing 1-7 of 7
IDEA FETUS!!! you are so brilliant. I guess you don't want me to steal that, right?
Tracy - the real secret is, you don't have to type apples. Or put in an e-mail, or a URL. :-)
Love the diploma, don't understand why you didn't just go all the way and get your doctorate?
That video is hilarious. I agree, one of the funniest things about it is the reaction of the crowd.
According to your website, I don't know how to type apples... either that or something else has gone wrong & I'm going to end up posting in triplicate. Darn these tubes.
by all that is holy what's wrong with that little girl's mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
like
dislike
