By CHRIS PACKHAM
If you like piles and piles of meat, sprayed with a meat gun across flattened sheets of meat, you're gonna love Meat Lover's Daily Briefs — pen-raised and grain-fed, pumped so full of antibiotics and bovine growth hormone that you'll feel your man-boobs enlarging with every juicy bite. LADIES: Man-boobs aren't just for men, anymore! Our pipin'-hot, sizzlin' blend of phytoestrogens, BHG, bovine somatotrophin and IGF-1 means you can have the same flat, pendulous man-boobs as your meat-lovin' husband or boyfriend. Once you sink your razor-sharp incisors into what we can only continue to describe as our "juicy" layers of pepperoni, italian sausage, ham, veal, bacon, beef, capicola, ground angus, chicken, meat loaf, haggis, cornish game hen, tripe, rabbit and venison, you'll feel your testicles drop for the second time. LADIES: Dropping testicles aren't just for men anymore!
Anyway, meat. After the jump, movies and local polling. Click here or on the weather. There's a meat front blowing in from the west:
Hey, sorry Bob Marley and Albert R. Broccoli: James Bond movies are a lot like reggae songs: I've never made it all the way through a single one. Exceptions: The Cops theme, in the case of reggae, and Casino Royale in the case of James Bond, but those are "the exceptions that prove the rule." Whatever that means. I'm also confused about "many a slip twixt cup and lip." Anyway, I remember once watching a scene from A View to a Kill in which Grace Jones says, "What a view!" and Christopher Walken responds, "To a kill!" Wow, that was embarrassing, you guys. THIS EMBARRASSING:
When they got rid of prissy martini preparation instructions and the batty old man who passes out all the gadgets, did they also manage to get out from under the tradition of having a character "say" the title of the film? Maybe they could have Christopher Walken and Grace Jones walk in and clumsily work "Quantum of Solace" into the dialogue for old times' sake. Those two should be contractually required to say the title in every single James Bond film, LADIES, AM I RIGHT? Also, the title of every other film:
GRACE JONES: There goes a hottie.
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: The hottie... and the nottie!
Aaaa-aaand scene!
Standard Deviation: While oversize novelty Mayor Mark Funkhouser was codepending during work hours with life-mate Gloria Squitiro in the privacy of their Brookside home, his approval ratings plummeted, although they are admittedly offset by the "rise in his unfavorables." Haha, that would be a good euphemism for boners, you guys, I am always on the lookout for childish double entendres framed in the dry language of polling statistics. Fivethirtyeightboners.com. As of one month ago, Funkhouser was right around 35 percent favorable, so he's probably improved quite a bit since then, wouldn't you think? What with the failure of the light rail ballot measure and his lawsuit against the City Council? People really empathise with that one, because aren't we all united as one people in our desire to have Gloria Squitiro near us at all times, cackling and bossing us around with faux-friendly racist invectives?
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I really don't know what to say to this mix of information in one blog post. You have everything in there...wow
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