By CHRIS PACKHAM
Now that America has elected Barack H. Obama as its President, America has come together as One People, united in a sense of common purpose, like for instance, the belief that Barack Obama is going to take away our guns, y'all; he is totally going to do that with his ATF shock-troops just as soon as he gets access to the Presidential speed-dial. So, anyway, I got a payday loan "nest-egg" from the King of Kash, and once the seven-day waiting period is over, I'm spending the whole thing on guns. FULL DISCLOSURE: I am not disclosing this to my girlfriend, keep it on the DL, you guys. FULL DISCLOSURE: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT: I do this once a year anyway. After the jump, some stuff about former Funkhouser Chief of Staff Ed Wolf and some other stuff, too. Click here or on this portrait of your dad:
It's like having synaesthesia, only cuter: Welp, former Funkhouser Chief of Staff Ed Wolf finally spoke out on this whole "Gloria Squitiro ruins everything she touches, so I quit" City Hall controversy. In a deposition. Under oath. He literally had to answer questions. Since it's a freely available public record, like the Constitution and Harry Potter, every media outlet besides The Pitch has also covered it. But you know what? I am linking to The Pitch out of my sense of loyalty and affection for the li'l guy. Sorry, that's a blatant manifestation of my anthropomorphic perceptual disorder, which causes me to see concepts and inanimate objects as little people with hats and feelings and stuff, and I experience corresponding emotional reactions to those little people. Anyway, here's what The Pitch looks like through the lens of my disorder:
I have a condition, okay? I have absolutely no control over what things look like. For instance, this is how the entire 2005 Little Miss Missouri Pageant looked to me:
I know, right? Those angels practiced their hearts out, working on their little pirouettes and songs and whatnot, and enduring beatings from their stage moms for months, and all I could see was the future of law enforcement. I'm supposed to be in Oliver Sacks' next book of clinical anecdotes, if his people can come to terms with my agent and my neurologist. But anyway, back to the Funkhouser administration, which looks like this:
As plucky and heroic as the administration may be in the face of an interstellar singularity, Wolf used the following analogy to describe Squitiro's presence in the office: "I think her presence, there's an inferred — inferred idea that she does, indeed, represent the mayor and it — it just — I guess it was kind of like having your mother-in-law go along on your honeymoon, it's just — there's something there that's a little uncomfortable about the situation." You can read more at The Kansas City Star's Midwest Voices Blog by clicking on this image of how I see it:
The King of the Beach of being wrong: The Kansas City Star's E. Thomas McClanahan self-importantly weighs two arguments for and against the likelihood that Barack Obama will be a one-term President, gazes into the same stinky crystal ball that told him that it was a dead certainty that the United States would find biological weapons stockpiles in Iraq, and determines that, yes, in accordance with whatever he wanted to think in the first place, Barack Obama will be ejected from office by the voters in 2010. That's "twenty-ten," you guys, not "two thousand ten." Obama hasn't even been sworn in, and E. Tom is calling the next election.
I'm not saying the man's wrong. But I am saying that he has a long and storied history of being wrong. I'd like to link to some of the most insanely wrong statements McClanahan has made throughout this total kidney stone of a decade, but unfortunately the Star can't archive stories for longer than eight minutes without paying Geocities.com for a premium hosting package. Instead, I can only direct you to this column by The Pitch's David Martin which unpacks a whole lot of McClanahan's craziest statements, which over time have aggregated into hydrostatic equilibrium in orbit around planet FAIL. And then let you decide for yourselves, y'all. Here's a picture of how I see you guys: