By CHRIS PACKHAM
Back in 2000 when I moved into the City Market, the electricity would go out for the whole neighborhood if a bird landed on a power line, or if you thought about birds landing on a power line.
Thunderstorms were accompanied by the apocalyptic popcorn-like sound of transformers exploding up and down the length of Third Street. It's a lot better now, and they've even surrounded the transformer yard with an artsy, illuminated wall thing. But I couldn't help thinking about all those exploding transformers while I was reading this econocalyptic Bloomberg article about the auto industry, what with the accompanying loud explosions of various industries popping like zits on your girlfriend's back, haha, I am the best at disgusting analogy. I enjoy the pleasing sensation of schadenfreude the same way I enjoy boners and ice cream, but the satisfaction of watching General Motors collapse would also entail as many as one million lost jobs. WHOOPS, where did I leave that industrial base I used to have? It was right here in my fanny pack when I left the Pamida.After the jump, some mean stuff about a beloved pop-group. Click here, or on the wondrous majesty of the American West:
John, Paul George and FAIL: Nobody hates the Beatles, including smelly old me, but it's an empirical fact that "Being For the Benefit of Mr. Kite" is the worst song written by anyone in the whole history of popular music. I'm not just being a bitch; I can support that whole hypothesis scientifically, using the very scientific tools of mathematics and the internet: "Hoogie Boogie Land," a horrible song by Texas alt meth-core band Complete, has received over 186,000 hits on YouTube. Meanwhile, the top search result for "Being For the Benefit of Mr. Kite" has received only 140,000 hits, proving that it's even worse than the second-worst song I could think of — mathematically! Complete > Beatles, you guys. When he's on his deathbed, even Phil Collins can find a tiny ember of warm redemption in the fact that he never wrote anything as bad as "Being For the Benefit of Mr. Kite," and that includes his whole ridiculous But Seriously album.
And I can already hear some of you gasping and fluttering your hands over your chests and saying, "Well, I NEVER!" like Aunt Esther from Sanford and Son, to which I can only respond, "You should join the Navy so you can have yo' face buried at sea!" Followed by the observation that you have never in your entire life pulled out Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and cycled through the tracks to "Mr. Kite" and then set it to repeat while you cleaned the house.
Anyway! Monumentally old Sir Paul McCartney of the Douche Table wants to release "Carnival of Light," an unreleased track from the "experimental" Beatles career phase that EVERYONE LOVES SO MUCH. For some perspective, "Carnival of Light" was considered to be too "adventurous" for mainstream audiences, whereas "Revolution #9" was, like, radio-friendly ear heroin or something? According to CNN, "The improvised work features distorted electric guitars, discordant sound effects, a church organ and gargling interspersed with McCartney and John Lennon shouting random phrases like 'Barcelona' and 'Are you all right?'" SOUNDS GREAT, I can't wait for the video/Diet Slice commercial/Diablo Cody movie soundtrack/illegal Hype Machine download. And if you think I'm being sarcastic, maybe you forgot about the "church organ and gargling."
In conclusion, if Paul McCartney is sitting on the unreleased master for Revolver 2, I would literally sell my soul to listen to it, but "Carnival of Light" is going to suck, the end.
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is, I agree, the worst beatles song, and one of the few bad songs I enjoy on no level whatsoever. I kind of like hearing shitty Billy Joel or shitty hair metal, but damn. damn. damn. that song. "Jealous Guy" doesn't even make up for it. I would trade Lennon's entire solo career just to scrub "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite" off Sgt. Pepper.
Then, I'd come for "She's Leaving Home."
Then I'd come for "Savoy Truffle."
By the time I come for "Don't Pass Me By," there will be no one left to speak up for Ringo.
I was going to skip the track entirely, but now I think I have to pick it up. It was the thought of Lennon randomly shouting 'Barcelona' that sold me.
Love the Indians.
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