By CHRIS PACKHAM
Okay, so John McCain is finally the President of Missouri, thanks to 3,000 people who couldn't stay the fuck home on Election Day. THANKS, YOU GUYS. Now we'll never be rid of McCain and his horrible Alaskan spouse with her stolen wardrobe and hillbilly-like crowd of pregnant, barefoot children. When they move to their Presidential mansion in Independence, will they sleep in the same bed with Joe the Plumber, all wearing little night caps like little cartoon characters? That concludes this week's episode of Chris Willfully Misinterprets Electoral Law Theater.
Also, Mizzourah is no longer a "bellwether" state, you guys. Over the last two days, I've heard people making the ridiculous assertion that a "wether" is a castrated ram who leads the flock, wearing a bell. Who comes up with this jenkem-huffing Weekly World News crap? BATBOY MARRIES SASHA OBAMA, you guys. Fancy Lad and Kansas City Star reporter Steve Kraske went on the national broadcast of NPR's All Things Considered last night to discuss the loss of our "jingly castrated ram" status in his velvety radio voice. Here's a little local broadcasting "inside baseball": Kraske has a notoriously high, squeaky homunculus voice, remedied on the radio with a combination of a vocoder and inhaling sulphur hexafluoride between sentences. If you don't believe me, call him at his desk at the Star: 816-234-4312. It's like talking to a baby kitten. By contrast, Pitch food columnist Charles Ferruzza has such a deep, manly voice that they actually deploy electronic means to raise it up to the spectrum of human hearing whenever he's on-air. He is the James Earl Jones of restaurant criticism, you guys.
After the jump, some filthy language I learned when I was in daycare. Click here or on Application of Monkey Steals the Peach:
Y'know, there are two absolutely equal sides to every story: Back when tyrannosaurs wandered through the Primatene Mist chewing on the fossils of scaly ruminants (see Grandma, yours), America had a legal vehicle called the Fairness Doctrine that basically reinforced the simplistic red/blue political dualism we all LOVE SO FUCKING MUCH by insisting that every opinion transmitted via U.S. radio spectrum had to come packed with an opposing viewpoint. It was dumb and stupid, and Ronald Reagan personally killed it right before ending communism and then flying away to see the remains of the dead world from which he came. One day, he will return, you guys. But until then, Rush Limbaugh and Yael T. Abouhalkah believe that reintroducing the Fairness Doctrine or the Berlin Wall would be disrespectful to his memory. Can you imagine if they revived it now, in the age of the internet, and The Pitch had to include a non-bitchy response to everything that I wrote? So, basically, The Kansas City Star wants to continue pretending that there are two absolutely equal sides to every story; they just don't want it codified as an FCC regulation.
In accordance with my impulse control disorder and corresponding tendency toward bitchiness, I'm going to go out on a limb and say Yael's lede is embarrassing in its assertion of imaginary straw-man liberals proposing "censoring" Rush Limbaugh via the Fairness Doctrine. The Fairness Doctrine doesn't gag free speech; it just makes everything into an unnecessarily tedious pain in the ass by pretending that there are two equal sides to every possible issue.
DEPRESSION ROCKS: Welp, the Dow dropped below 8000 yesterday. I don't even want to look at my 401-K. Y'know, the econocalypse isn't so bad, you guys, it's actually really awesome, because without a regular source of income or access to food, we'll be free to spend more time with friends sitting by the fire and being all cozy and snuggly and warm, nibbling cookies and drinking hot cocoa and gathering around the piano singing Scott Joplin tunes like "O Let Me Clasp Your Titties 'Neith the Old Elm Tree, My Lovely Ella Mae." HAHA, I totally made that up, you guys. Truthfully, I don't want to hear any more twee discussions about how idyllic the NeoDepression is going to be, because I seem to remember a lot of business from the last Depression about Okies and Joads and hulking man-children with thick, clumsy hands getting firehosed by union breakers and whatnot.
Anyway, I'll probably spend the whole econocalypse doing what I do every weekend: Playing my girlfriend's favorite game, Edward 40 Hands. That's a game where two or more people have two forty-ounce bottles of malt liquor duct-taped to their hands, and they race to see who can chug both of them the fastest. Like Special Olympics events, this game has no losers. At least, not during the rounds my girlfriend sits out. When the Eurocentric Nobel committee starts acknowledging American contributions to malt liquor chugging, she is totally going to be flying to Stockholm.
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yuck chuck, there really isn't anyone else of the Chris kind. nobodys ever written a column like this before
You're a caricature of your kind. Droping an "F" bomb in your first few lines of a loose journalistic endeavor is juvenile and too revealing to lend credit to. When your fantasized superiority is exposed as foolish, dictatorial asperiation you will lose steam. Yeah, it would be better to silence the dissenters rather than find a unified thought to combat an intellectual tenet but Kantian double-speak serves your ilk well. You will lose. America will survive.
"homunculus"! yay- i just learned that term this weekend from my friend jeff.. and then i wondered why they kept this awe-inspiring/freaky knowledge from me as a non-catholic at parochial high school..bummer
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