LET'S ALL GO TO THE PAWN SHOP! Why all the no shopping, U.S. consumers? Do you know what Laura Ingalls Wilder got for Christmas in Steve Kraske's favorite novel, Little House on the Prairie? An apple, a penny and a tin cup. Then, if I recall correctly, she died of cholera and her dogs Old Dan and Little Ann were killed by a mountain lion, and a sacred red fern grew over their graves. Very sad.
Fortunately, we don't live like our cave-dwelling ancestors; my version of an apple, a penny and a tin cup would be Dead Space, a Smith & Wesson Military and Police semiautomatic pistol chambered for .40 calibers and a Realdoll™ brand love doll. This has been the Daily Briefs 2008 Holiday Shopping Guide. After the jump, predatory towing practices, the Star's magnificent Website and some stuff about the Mayor's mandate for snuggling in the office with his life-mate. Click here or here:
No Parking: I spent the holiday weekend doing Bringing Out the Dead-style ridealong reporting with heroic drivers from A1 Westside Towing, cruising downtown entertainment venues and hauling away people's cars. It's a tough life, and a single tow may only bring in $400 to $500, but when you see the expressions of car owners who just learned that the overnight storage fee is $250, you know it's all been worthwhile.
And these brave men and women hit the streets every night, sometimes after spending long, tough days cruising kindergarten playgrounds, selling crystal methamphetamine and prying gold fillings from the mouths of their sleeping grandmothers, haha, they're degenerates is what I'm saying, DUH.
Now Kansas City is thinking about maybe cracking down on predatory towing companies, which are pretty much like involuntary title loan companies. In fact, they kind of make title loan companies look lazy. If it was possible to apply for a license from the city to literally shoot people in the head with a shotgun and take their money, those people might just tear themselves away from searching the internet for pictures of naked children so they could be first in line.
Kansascity dot geocities dot com: There's really nobody at the pink fur-covered wheel at kansascity.com. I think the unusability and total opacity of The Star's website gets updated automatically with murders and traffic deaths every morning, and McClatchey has fired everybody who could have made it pretty or user-friendly. It's like taking a magickal journey to the year 2000, when Macy Gray was burning up the charts and America took a long, steamy look at George W. Bush -- and liked what it saw! Now I get most of my local news from The Star's Midwest Voices, at yaelabouhalkah.info, which looks like a blog! Only without any sense of spontaneity or fun. Here's an example of spontaneous fun: Your dad buys his bras at this site. Your dad's secret online man-bra resource and all future mockery of your mom, your dad and your grandma brought to you by the Plog, our underwriters and listeners like you.
Oh, so but the thing is, I can scan the front page of Midwest Voices, click through to entries, absorb information and move on. Blogs are just about the only thing The Star is almost doing kind of right online. Meanwhile, at kansascity.com, I clicked through a headline about Mayor Mark Funkhouser-shaped leadership vacuum and his non-detachable embarrassment module Gloria Squitiro being interviewed by Diane Sawyer this morning and was rewarded with exactly two sentences. I didn't watch the interview, but I think the Pitch's Justin Kendall did, so more about that later. I guess the Mayor and his wife assumed the national spotlight to discuss the most pressing issue confronting the Mayor's agenda: the recession and the concurrent rise in violent crime in the metro. HAHAHA. No, it's actually the beautiful star-cross'd love story about whether Gloria should be allowed to bully City employees in an unofficial capacity from the Mayor's office -- you know, the Mayor's signature fucking issue.
-- by Chris Packham
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theres lots of funny stuff to respond to here but my crazy wife tells me we need to talk about the halos around the manboobs on the site you linked to.
crazy wife- "man boobs! beige people!"
I just had to look up YaelAbouhalkah.com and others .info's and strangely they are not taken, he either doesn't think anyone can spell it or was assured of a lifetime employment with the star.
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