Daily Briefs First Alert Doppler Radar Weather Briefs: Channel 9 says it's going to snow, and they frame it in the most depressing, clinical terms possible. "Most of us will see a break this morning before the second part of this system travels through our area this afternoon," says KMBC meteorologist Lisa Teachman in the most sterile terms she can conjure. "The system." IS THERE NO POETRY IN HER SOUL? How would The Kansas City Star's C.W. Gusewelle describe it? "A softly wafting front of moisture from the West will blanket the soft, sleeping city with a gossamer fall of snow, hanging silently in the soft beams of street lamps and headlights, hiding the grime and the grit of the city beneath soft, frozen white as the whip-poor-wills chortle softly from the eaves."
After a lot of soul-searching and some wrenching self-reflection, I wrote and posted my memoirs yesterday in the form of a comic book populated by cute bunnies and duckies. It was very cathartic, you guys, I think I know how C.W. Gusewelle feels when he writes about birds and foliage and the quiet moments that punctuate the sunsets that are constantly beaming golden rays and long shadows across the inside of his brain. When it snows today, I'll pour out an eighth of my noon can of High Gravity Malt Liquor in his honor. Your Tuesday Briefs after the jump. Click here or here:
Science Whatever: Via complicated computer simulations of quarks, scientists have pretty much figured out that matter is made of fluctuations in the quantum vacuum, which means that everything you consider to be important, from your very nice sweat pants with JUICY printed on the ass, to the pretzel Combos you accidentally bought for a party instead of actual pretzels, forcing you to blow all the cheese out of the middle of each one before your guests arrived, is basically made up of nothing. The preceding sentence was drafted as a false "from-to" construction to annoy the copy editor, because basically, I spend my entire day just trying to get attention from people, like a neglected child or something. Honestly! I should just grow up and act like a "matoor" adult, already.
Journalism Whatever: I think it's less a Sign '☮' the Times or a Lovesexy New Power Soul in a hotel lobby masturbating with a Sunday magazine insert that the Tribune Company filed for bankruptcy yesterday, and more like Sam Zell's brain squirting a lot of high-Scoville Picante Chombo D'Elidas Panamanian hot sauce where normal people have neurotransmitters. He's CRAZY! What with the Tribune board enabling all his craziness, something bankrupt-y was more or less bound to happen, right? Look, I don't mean to suggest that it's all "boners and Christmas presents" for print journalism, because that would be a lie, obvs. And I don't think the whole world will fade into oblivion if newsprint disappears -- didn't I hear something about how much people also used to enjoy rail travel and Betamax? Anyway, absent a job in print, I guess I can just go back to my previous occupation, "weird temp guy," and post stuff to a blog all day while pretending to work. Although I would very much like to keep my job, please, if that's OK.
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That's boners and Christmas presents, Mallory, that's at least 2 percent less dirty than your version. And therefore more appropriate for church.
It certainly isn't all Christmas presents and blow jobs for that poor copy editor of yours.
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