The only part where I disagree with Ms. Anne Brockhoff at The Kansas City Star re: alcohol consumption is the part where she says, "Everything in moderation," right there in the headline. Because don't you realize we're all going to die, you guys? And I never heard anyone on their death bed say, "I wish I would have drunk more Ensure adult formula instead of all that booze." As I was buying some malt liquor for some really mature eighth graders who were washing my car, I realized it's our draconian liquor regulations that are truly responsible for the unhealthy American attitudes about drinking. Watching their escalating binge was like looking at a miniature re-enactment of a scene from my own grown-up life, and by the time they started throwing up all over the parking lot behind the Westport Sun Fresh, I realized that kids these days are getting hooked on malt liquor and jenkem at younger and younger ages. Wake up, sheeple! Our puritanical blue laws are destroying a whole generation! After the jump, some geriatric sex tips. Click here to ride upon a magnificent centaur:
It's kind of like he's got his finger on the pulse, sort of: I don't really understand what Kansas resident and lap-band candidate Mike Hendricks was doing in Sunday's Kansas City Star column, which I'm only just now reading. But I think he's making fun of you guys, you guys, via a flaccid straw-man character he weakly farts out and then names "the guy at the end of the bar." Hendricks must be really sick of his job, because can we just stipulate that deploying fictional characters to embody widespread civic attitudes in a newspaper column is a gigantic "eskimo-with-harpoon"-grade cliche that they forgot to tuck into Mike Royko's jacket pocket before they nailed his coffin shut? I hate to say it, but Hendricks then portrays you guys as kind of retarded, unable to properly pronounce the ridiculous word "Squitiro." And after coming right out and admitting that everybody in Kansas City is totally embarrassed by the national attention Mayor Mark Funkhouser and his Voltron-like mortification attachment "Ma'am-ee" Squitiro have earned via their improbably protracted series of public misstatements and improper behavior, Hendricks proceeds to explain why he's right and actual residents of Kansas City are wrong.
To sum up what Mike Hendricks thinks about you guys:
Runs good, circulation 272,299 daily: If you'd care to purchase The Miami Herald, McClatchy, the parent company of The Kansas City Star, is trying to unload the paper in the face of an increasingly dismal advertising environment, which just shows to go ya! Specifically, it shows to go ya that the future of journalism is blogs and the democratizing power of the internet, which will set the world free from the agendas of big corporations and evil nation-states and lead to the legalization of pot and and crank, and we'll all wear patchouli and hold hands on a hillside while drinking Coca-Cola. You know what's kind of awesome, though, seriously? That the media corporations who spent decades pushing for a relaxing of anti-trust regulations and who subsequently swallowed all the local papers and broadcasting companies, are now totally going out of business. The guy at McClatchy who thought the Knight-Ridder purchase was a great idea? Does he still have a job? I am totally glad I did not make that decision. Despite all the warm feelings we've developed regarding my decision-making abilities, I did decide that I should wear my JUICY sweat pants to the funeral of a friend of my mom's, unfortunately, so there's that.
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Speaking of the future of journalism, why don't the web monkeys at Pitch have the customary "email" thingy so I can send my favorite people your stuff and thereby INCREASE YOUR SUPPLY of nearly worthless American Dollars due to the increased fame, adulation and customer awareness to the spiffy advertising proposals offered to the readers?
I love how Johnson Countians are so good at telling us how we should feel about our city! They can bash our mayor out of one side of their mouths and then bash us for being embarrassed by our mayor out of the other side! What intelligence has befallen those living in White Flight Estates. Here's something to think about before next summer's oil prices go through the roof....you all are going to be screwed when gas goes up and doesn't come back down and by the time you realize it, your cheap-ass fiberboard houses aren't going to be worth shit. Your big ass SUV's with only one seat worn will be going for about $1,000 and you'll be looking for a condo in our crappy KCMO. But don't worry, we'll welcome you back cause we need your 1% in taxes to fix our sewers.
The Star will fold but not disappear. Some one will buy it and turn things around. Alas, it won't be what it was... the good news will be that the current management will get the boot. Long live the Z Man and Yael T Abouhalkah. It's about time they suffered the fate of the many employees that they expunged so they could save their own paychecks. Certainly Yael will be unemployable... don't know about the prospects for Zieman's future. And don't really care.
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