Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist
brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from
area basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do
this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love
Author: Left
Behind creator Tim
LaHaye and his wife Beverly
Publisher:
Zondervan Publishing
Date: 1976
Discovered at: Good
Will, Bonner Springs
The Cover Promises:
When a married couple makes clean Christian love, they dissolve into
beings of pure honeyed light. ALSO: The man must wear a three piece
suit.
Representative
Quotes:
"Partners in
coitus avail themselves of the God-given privilege of creating a new
life, another human being, as a result of the expression of their
love." (page 13)
"Equally
difficult to understand is why such a pleasurable and exciting
experience has been hidden from so many women while their male
counterparts almost universally have tasted the delight of
ejaculation." (page 103)
It's been just weeks since your Crap Archivist last considered Tim
LaHaye's 1968 crapsterpiece How to be Happy Though Married, his guide to
pleasing God while pleasing each other.The Act of Marriage offers
all the hallmarks of his earlier work: indelicate phrasing,
horrifying sketches and holy admonitions to cleanse thine unclean
ladyparts.
So, why cornhole
him again so soon, especially when this book is in some respects
admirable? After all, here's a his-and-her Christian sex guide lavishes
attention on both his-and-her orgasms. It argues that mutually
fulfilling sex is foundational to a successful marriage.
It's
certainly the only book in your church library to include a chart to
track your Kegel progress:
But consider the introduction.
LaHaye recounts how his publisher asked him and his wife Beverly to
collaborate on "a book that is sorely needed today, written by a
Christian couple [that] would concern the sexual adjustment in
marriage."
As Tim tells it, "At first Bev was reluctant to
get involved with the endeavor until the Lord gave her a specific
sign. Within the next two months she counseled at least ten frigid
wives."
The mind reels: ten frigid wives,
all sent by God! That is either the worst
day of the ten days of Christmas ... or the prize in Evangelical
heaven for those martyred bombing a Planned Parenthood!
Reading this, I began to see
signs myself. Could it have been a coincidence that God had in recent
weeks sent me eight Tim LaHaye books?
Is it
His will that the oeuvre of Tim LaHaye is to thrift shops what REM's
Monster is to used CD
stores?
So, The Act of Marriage, given super-long
Christmas treatment. Here's the LaHayes, practicing what they preach:
See? A good marriage demands two hands on the wood.
The Honeymoon:
In the "Learning by Doing" section of the "Sex Education"
chapter, our coitus/writing partners discuss what prep a couple needs
to bone up for the big night. The answer: this book. "Both the bride and groom should read the
basic material separately beforehand and then study it together on
the honeymoon."
The
advice is graphic.
his wife's signal and while continuing to massage her clitoral area,
the husband should use his free hand to take a lubricating jelly
(which should be placed on the nightstand in advance) and lubricate
the head and shaft of his penis before entrance."
inside the husband should try to remain motionless or he may
ejaculate in a matter of seconds, abruptly terminating the
lovemaking."
she feels her passions mounting beyond control she should put her
legs around her husband's hips and begin her own thrusting movements
back and forth on the penis."
should be very careful not to put pressure on the testicles located
in the scrotal sac as this can be quite uncomfortable."
The
key things to remember when making love LaHaye style: while it's the
woman's role to respond, her orgasm matters. Foreplay lubricates her.
And "there are only four positions used frequently enough to
consider":
The
husband above.
The
wife above.
Both
on their sides.
Husband
seated.
.
. . or milk the upside-down udders of feminine pleasure.
But keep it clean! The LaHayes write, "A man's sex drive can
be relieved only by ejaculation. This can be achieved by (1)
intercourse, (2) masturbation, (3) nocturnal emission, or (4)
homosexuality."
Of course, the LaHayes feel only 1 and 3 are legitimate. The others are products of the "modern conception of man." Their problem?
They're missing the fancy chair of faith. (In sex position four, that's where the man sits.)
Shocking
Detail:From the Q&A section
at the end of the book:
What about oral
sex before marriage? It isn't really intercourse, is it?
"Perhaps
not, but it's much too intimate for unmarried people. Until they are
pronounced husband and wife, they have no business handling each
other's genitalia."
If sex starts in
the mind, should a wife try to "turn on" by thinking or imagining
sexually exciting things?
"Yes and no. Yes - it is perfectly all right for a wife to
visualize herself being embraced and caressed by her husband. No -
a wife should not picture herself in the arms of another man; that is
lust, which is expressly forbidden by our Lord."
Why does a
frigid woman get married in the first place?
"By no means did she set out to deceive you, for she probably never
dreamed she was frigid."
ALSO: to inspire Bev LaHaye to write this book.
Highlight:Here's what
those Kegels are all about.
A glance at that
thing confirms LaHaye's belief that marriage is essential to
satisfying lovemaking.
Remember: it only snaps to attention when it
knows the ring is near.
Showing 1-10 of 10
So, are we to conclude from this wisdom that homosexuals do not have nocturnal emissions or more importantly masturbation? If so, no wonder people intuitively know there is something "wrong" with it. If not,
especially, it's true in the boating industry. i run a boat for sale site and use this service.
If I didn't dream of being frigid before, I certainly do now! Why, why does God make sex horrifying?
So, are we to conclude from this wisdom that homosexuals do not have nocturnal emissions or more importantly masturbation? If so, no wonder people intuitively know there is something "wrong" with it. If not, then no wonder people know there is something inherently wrong with the LaHayes.
P.S. The KUDL DJ interrupted Christmas tunes on the way to church Christmas eve to talk about holiday treats and mentioned olive jello treat in a blatant theft of Dr. Crap...who I suppose blatantly stole from Mrs. Limbaugh. The DJ did not, however, talk about feeding the treat to cats or Pitch staffers. But, all press is good, right?
This makes me want to cry with laughing. You should submit it to Gawker's Fleshbot. It's kind of like Deadspin, only instead of the NFL, it's about boners.
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