Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from area basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. He does this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
1001 Ways To Be Romantic
Author: Gregory J.P Godek
Publisher: Casablanca Press
Date: 1995
Discovered at: Turnstyles thrift store, Overland Park
The Cover Promises: If you own this, your relationship is failing.
Representative Quotes:
"490: Greet him at the door with confetti."
"495. Is he a Doctor Who fan? Sign him up to be a member of the Companions of Dr. Who. Write to PO Box 56764, New Orleans, Louisiana, 70156."
"377. Wind-up toys!-- Monsters that walk and shoot sparks, creeping bugs, racing cars, crawling babies, lumbering robots, etc!"
The truth hits some
640 entries into this compendium of gimmicky bullshit that couldn't
possibly make up for the years of relationship neglect that would
inspire a person to buy it. That's when list-maker Gregory J.P Godek
stops suggesting you visit the New England Carousel Museum (No. 484) or
pretend to be "a researcher working on a new edition of The Joy
of Sex and you need her help with your studies" (No. 419) and
instead offers honest-to-God useful advice for couples hoping to
recall whatever feelings got them into this in the first place:
"Listen for
a change. You'll learn a lot about your partner."
Yes, listening,
that practical, bond-building technique that is to
relationship advice books what eat-less-and-exercise is to diet
manuals: The labor-intensive obvious answer the rest of the book
gives you excuses to avoid.
Even Godek, who
calls himself "America's Romance Coach" right there on the cover,
doesn't have much to say about listening. Instead, in just a page or
two, he's back to quick-fixes, recommending a bicycle built for two
(No. 648), or listening to A Prairie Home Companion (No. 654) or
purchasing Leo Buscaglia videotapes ( No. 651).
Other
Godek suggestions:
57. "Want
some suggestions for notes, gifts, and trinkets to hide? Again, from
Romance Class participants: Friendship rings. Earrings. Condoms. Far
Side comics. Hockey tickets. Love Coupons."
381. "The
New Yorker is a great source for relationship-oriented
cartoons!"
384: "Tape a
comic to the bathroom mirror ... or to the rear-view mirror in his
car. Hide 20 comics all over the house. Insert them in dinner
napkins. Stick them in cereal boxes. Attach them to the underside of
the toilet seat. Fill his briefcase with them."
434. "Memorize
her favorite poem, or the lyrics to her favorite song. Recite it at
private times, or while making love."
633. "Have
your handwriting analyzed!"
745. "Name
your boat after her."
829. "Make a
giant greeting card out of a big cardboard box."
889. "Write
your own version of 'Your Song.'"
This last one is
confusing. Wouldn't my own version of "Your Song" be "My Song"?
"You hope I don't
mind/you hope I don't mind/That you put down in words/how wonderful
life is while I'm in the world."
Shocking Detail:
Our relationship
Scheherazade is also fond of "Love Coupons." (He even got a whole other book
out of 'em.)
His suggestions:
I would only add
one: "I'll Stop Taping Marmadukes to the
toilet" coupons.
Highlight:
On occasion, your Crap Archivist is asked, "What is the most
sure-fire method to quickly determine whether or not a book qualifies
as crap?" While I could point you to many helpful rules-of-thumb,
to date I have relied on only one clinical test of inviolable
integrity:
"Is the book in question by Tim LaHaye?"
Today, I add a second.
"Does the book in question contain a blurb from TV funnyman Jay
Leno?"
BONUS CRAP!
Sweater Fashions
Publisher: Coats
& Clarks
Date: 1963
Discovered at:
North Kansas City estate sale
The Cover
Promises: Nobody's invented sex yet.
Representative
Quote: "The attractive diamond pattern is formed by popcorn
stitches."
In 1962, heaven
was, for white America, just countless hours of knitting away. Here's
what had 'em looking sharp while Mississippi burned:
The Laura Bush
flack jacket.
A hot new look for
ventriloquists and their dummies!
Finally, what Big Man on Campus wouldn't feel dreamy in this
shawl-collared jacket obviously inspired by sock monkeys?
Showing 1-12 of 12
115 Take a class in computer programming.
346 Go to Target and sniff all the glue sticks.
379 Raise your kids to fear people who are different.
442 Build a treehouse ...... in your minds!
495 Try the butt once in a while.
Dr. Crap, I bestow upon you 1 lurve coupon for a crawling baby. The only caveat is that Tim LaHaye is the only one that cash it for you.
Tim originally gave me the coupon for my First Communion, so it is kinda old and it is probably a tattooed blogger by now. Anyway, enjoy.
#57. definitely a great idea to hide condoms around the house. very romantic. i think it would be even MORE romantic since my vasectomy.
Crapmaster,
Your mind goes to funny places when you write this shit. I think perhaps you date yourself....I know I did! (mixed metaphors and pronouns are purposeful)....
Tonight I think I'll combine a couple of these, by singing "My Song" WHILE making love.
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