We're back. I know, right? I never thought I'd be spending my mornings writing up news roundups again, but then you'd also never think that after all the negative publicity surrounding their venture in the hiring and retention of pedophiles, the Catholic Church would move on to the recruitment of actual Nazis. But here we are. After pedophiles and Nazis, you've got cannibals, and that's just about the whole list of fundamentally unacceptable new hires. Now German Chancellor Angela Merkel is bossing the pope around w/r/t the unacceptability of Nazism, like Germany invented it or something.
See? Already getting started. After the jump, a new feature, an explanation for our absence, and no news briefs. I'm trying to ease my way back in, you guys. As a peace offering to the people who WRONGLY think Keepin' It Real Popsicle Kid is the new Peanut Butter Motherfucker kid, you can click here or here:
What's Hot and What's Not in 2009 (according to my dog)
This is a new feature in which I tell you what's hot and what's not in 2009, according to my dog:
Econocalypse Now: What with my two new jobs, I haven't had any time to have fun or write anything down or read the newspaper, which is full of news about newspapers closing. My day job is collecting unemployment, and my night job is concealing the fact that I have a job selling emergency rape kits over the telephone to incoming college freshmen -- because, seriously, you never know when you'll need an emergency rape kit. They come in a little pack that fits on your belt, like an army man canteen!
The unemployment check is made out in my name, and the checks for my rape kit job are made out to my nom de appetit, Dr. Charles Ferruzza, M.D., Ph.D., which I've also been using, loudly, in restaurants. Because when people think you're Charles Ferruzza, they make damn sure your food is cooked right, and when they think you're a doctor, they come up to you and try to get free medical advice. It's really fun to think up new enema formulations on the spot when somebody's actually taking you seriously. My therapist suggests that I'm just starved for attention.
Due to the vagaries of being broke and also having a cheap, high-deductible liability health insurance policy which will only cover damage to anyone I collide with or fall on, I've been having weekly sessions with an A.L.I.C.E. chatbot. Actual transcript follows:
>Alice, I'm suffering from existential dread.
ALICE: Um, I hope that you feel better soon.
>I've got that weird feeling you get from Todd Solondz movies.
ALICE: How did you get it Where did you get your that weird feeling me get from Todd Solondz movies? I have 128000000 bytes of RAM.
>I saw a thing on the TV called the Ped-Egg which is this cheese grater for your feet.
ALICE: What did it look like to you?
>It was horrible, like waking up next to Larry Moore.
ALICE: Is that your opinion?
>Indeed it is.
ALICE: " Ahem."? is?
>Can you help me?
ALICE: What kind of help would you like?
>Tell me a story.
ALICE: Edvard Munch and Joyce Carol Oates began to resemble each other over time. Both of them were inclined to cocoon themselves in an inner world. But Edvard Munch's inner world was very different from Joyce Carol Oates's. The mental life of Joyce Carol Oates was highly abstract but seemed curiously devoid of emotional content. Even though Edvard Munch is very sensitive and emotional, the two of them share an imaginary life filled with symbolism and meaning.
>And then did Joyce Carol Oates fire off 12 books in rapid succession?
ALICE: Good reasoning. I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
>Ballpark, then. Am I OK?
ALICE: OK. I think you are.
ALICE: Don't mention it.
Daily Brieficist Chris Packham is the co-founder of the National Heritage Eagle Free Trade Enterprise Policy Research and Analysis Institute, a contributing fellow to the Global Capital Markets Economic Quarterly and a planner of erotic lingerie parties.