I am a genius, you guys, we already knew that. I've never taken the Mensa I.Q. test or brained my way through a Sudoku puzzle, the thrilling pastime of people whose favorite videogame is Microsoft Excel, but I have solved the Tyler Perry Code once and for all:
I am the Allied Codebreaker Genius of broad, obvious characters weakly farted out by marginally talented thespians, and I have cracked the German Enigma code of Madea using the encryption key of Jim Varney. Also, Tyler Perry is a scab-hiring union buster, so fuck him and his whole retarded Milton Berle shtick, basically, is what I'm saying. After the jump, Virginia Republicans have some Yakitty-Sax misadventures... in cyberspace!!!!! Plus: SPACE BOY IS IN TERRIBLE DANGER, you guys. Click here or here:
The Isle of Capri promises to spend your money wisely: Depression, you guys, it's too bad you didn't think of opening a casino earlier in the decade, because instead of driving a Geo Metro and living in a basement apartment, today you would be driving a bejewelled Geo Metro and living in a solid gold basement apartment. Turn in your Wise Old Owl genius mortarboard hat at the front desk on your way out to buy your WIC-approved cans of tuna, half-wit, because Kansas City's four riverboat casinos had a sharp rise in admissions and revenues over last year after voters repealed Missouri's loss-limits. The casinos were literally being held back by regulations limiting how much money gamblers were allowed to lose. The good news is that now you can lose as much money as you can get your hands on via title loans and selling your childrens' orthodontia to scrap metal dealers.
They'll learn about REPLY-ALL the hard way, too: Dumb Virginia Republicans came so close to taking over the state Senate yesterday, when one Democratic senator entered secret talks to switch parties, which would have put them at a 20-20 tie, broken by Virginia's magnificently sashed Republican Lt. Governor and his oversize ceremonial ribbon-cutting scissors. Because that is what Lt. Governors do, usually, they cut ribbons with giant ceremonial scissors. But then dumb Virginia GOP party chairman Jeff Frederick sent this message to his Twitter account:
Big news coming out of Senate: Apparently one dem is either switching or leaving the dem caucus. Negotiations for power sharing underway.
HAHA, usually what happens in Cyberspace stays in Cyberspace, like going to eVegas and iRimming a Hookr.com. And because black baby Jesus will rapture up his flock as foretold in the Precious Moments Bible's Book of Revelations before I ever, ever get sick of this joke, here is a picture of Cyberspace:
I think the skull is Hotbot.com, the world's greatest search engine. But anyway, apparently some Democratic Lawnmower Man somehow "hacked into the net" and "issued shell commands" that accessed Frederick's very public Twitter feed, read the post, and somehow managed to SMTP a message to his real-world colleagues, who closed ranks and talked their backsliding member out of switching parties. Now the Republicans will have to continue minoritying and Virginia's Lt. Governor will have to continue scanning the Help Wanted ads for jobs breaking ground with ceremonial silver shovels (Must have own ceremonial shovel, serious applicants only you guys).
SPACE BOY IS IN TROUBLE! A commercial communications satellite and a defunct Russian satellite made space history Tuesday by colliding above Northern Siberia in an odds-defying explosion of orbital debris. It's like winning the space lottery, space-odds-wise. There's now so much man-made crap floating around Earth that scientists in the burgeoning field of free-fall collisions warn about cascading failure scenarios in which collisions create more chunks of debris that go on to cause more collisions. The bitchingly named U.S. STRATCOM, whose core mission is controlling nuclear weapons, tracks space debris as a public service to keep anything from happening to your beautiful son, Space Boy. Here he is talking to you:
Space Boy sure loves you, and you're a really good dad for not being remotely embarrassed by having a 14-year-old space son who acts like he's seven and still calls his parents "Mommy" and "Daddy." He's going to "sleep through his birthday!" Does your child, Space Boy, have to wear space head gear for his space orthodontia in his zero-G racecar bed at night? I'll bet you drink a lot. A LOT.
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I just read a powerful article about Tyler Perry at www.ebmpublishing.com. The article was wonderfully written and showed a different side of him. It discussed in detail his approach to life and commitment to improving the community. It�s an engaging, thought provoking article that gave me a new found level of respect for him.
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