The Daily Briefs Week of Monday, February 9, 2009 through Friday, February 13, 2009
was just like any other week, not counting its lack of the vibrating "weekend" attachment that standard-issue full-penetration weeks come with. SHOMER SHABBOS, you guys, I don't pick up the phone, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit DON'T FUCKING ROLL.A full three of five days' worth of entries consisted of the news roundups I agreed to write at the outset of the entire Daily Briefs relaunch according to a very strict freelance contract which Justin somehow got a copy of, and which he keeps brandishing at me on days like last Monday and Tuesday, when I don't actually read the newspaper and just make shit up. Sometimes, while he's pretending to flourish my contract at me, he smacks me in the head with the hand holding it, like it's an accident. "SHORT, DIGESTIBLE COPY!" he shouts. "That's what it says RIGHT HERE!" WHAP! "Oh, sorry." Then he straight-up hits me with his empty hand as a kind of surprise Tekken Fury Combo.
"You know who you remind me of? Besides an uglier, weaker Dakota Fanning?" Justin asked me last Friday. "Nicolas Cage -- for every twenty horrible movies, he makes one decent attempt to win an Oscar."
I don't like Nicolas Cage, but something douchey in Justin's voice riled up the seersucker-wearing Southern lawyer who lives in a hole inside my subconscious, and I said, "HEY! You can't talk that way about Nicolas Cage. Other than Ghost Rider, Bangkok Dangerous, The Wicker Man, World Trade Center, The Weather Man, National Treasure, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Lord of War, Matchstick Men, Windtalkers, The Ant Bully, Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Trapped in Paradise, It Could Happen to You, Fire Birds, The Family Man, Gone in Sixty Seconds, 8MM, Snake Eyes, City of Angels, Face/Off, Con Air, The Rock, Kiss of Death, Guarding Tess, Amos & Andrew, Honeymoon in Vegas, Vampire's Kiss, Fire Birds, Moonstruck, and the upcoming Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, he's had a pretty good run."
That, other than Justin hitting me in the head again, was that. After the jump, the looming specter of journalism about the possibility of dirty bombs and why banks are a better place for keeping your hate and bile than your money. Click here or on the only heroes who can possibly save us:
Morning Terror: So, Wal-Mart has revealed that a company-wide audit has turned up about 
Here's the thing: The use and disposal of those emergency exit signs is -- seriously -- monitored by the U.S. Nuclear Regulatory Commission. But they're so ubiquitous that people casually toss them in the dumpster like a NEWBORN AT SENIOR PROM, I might be inclined to say if I were a writer for The Family Guy, HAHAHAHAHA, that show kills me, Seth MacFarlane is worth every penny of his hundred million dollars. So anyway, tritium is always leaching into the ground out at the landfill where, it is my understanding, your dad works. And that's just not very good for him, you guys.
You can take that to the bank... the DOUCHE bank: Now that all the banks have been bailed out with your money, they're raising the interest rates on your credit cards if you're late with even a single payment. The second-person pronouns in the preceding sentence are sponsored by my tax delinquency and inability to obtain a credit card from a reputable lender. Anyway, this is just one of the many, many ways in which banks are sociopathic, if you look at them as superorganisms through the geeky lens of anthropology. CONGRATULATIONS, you've just taken your first step on the long road to becoming a fancy lad.
A man who doesn't have to worry about money -- for instance, a Nicolas "Ghost Rider, Bangkok Dangerous, The Wicker Man, World Trade Center, The Weather Man, National Treasure, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Lord of War, Matchstick Men, Windtalkers, The Ant Bully, Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Trapped in Paradise, It Could Happen to You, Fire Birds, The Family Man, Gone in Sixty Seconds, 8MM, Snake Eyes, City of Angels, Face/Off, Con Air, The Rock, Kiss of Death, Guarding Tess, Amos & Andrew, Honeymoon in Vegas, Vampire's Kiss, Fire Birds, Moonstruck, and the upcoming Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, " Cage, in Entertainment journalism parlance -- doesn't get pushed around by great big banks, because he gets paid a tremendous amount of money for being completely shitty and awful in everything he's done since Raising Arizona. It's smelly old bank bailer-outers like you that have to eat the poop. Making you mad about banks is Step Two in my plan to foster a citizen's uprising against Bank of America so that I don't have to pay the overdraft fees they charged to my account last month. Step One was answering the call from collections in a bad Hindi accent and pretending not to understand English.
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Snakes Eyes had Carla Gugino in her bra in a bathroom being peeped on by Brian DePalm's camera.
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