Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist
brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from
area basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do
this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
Like Lambs to the Slaughter: Your Child and the Occult
Author: Johanna
Michaelsen
Publisher:
Harvest House Publishers
Date: 1989
Discovered at:
Good Will, North Oak Trafficway
The Cover
Promises: If your mom buys this, you'll never have fun again.
Representative
Quotes:
"The fourth way
to acquire psychic power is a way which a growing number of teenagers
are opting for today: selling their souls to the devil." (page 85)
"To She-Ra, the
hope for the world is the 'Light' which rises forth from their
occultic circle. Most New Agers would readily recognize that 'Light'
as 'Lucifer' the lightbearer." (page 222)
In the late 1980s,
middle Americans uninterested in real problems found the courage to
band together to take on a danger so overwhelming it didn't even
exist: a satanic conspiracy that used rock music, role-playing games,
and He-Man's twin sister to season our children for the
devil's conquest.
No less an
authority than Geraldo Rivera dared to stand up to the make-believe
danger, as you can see in this clip from his 1988 special Devil
Worship: Exposing Satan's Underground.
(Look for Spike, the "stone pony" from Kansas City at the 4:25
mark!)
Johanna Michaelsen,
meanwhile, dared to pretend that the road to Satan
starts in Star Wars, Smurfs and The Care Bears Movie. She
writes,
"While this
little second-grader enjoyed the movie, there was something about it
that bothered her. She commented that the Care Bears seemed like God.
They were up in heaven and knew everything, like God did. And when
the Bears concentrated their energy into the 'Care Bear Stare' to
change something, it was 'like a counterfeit miracle ... kind of
like the magicians in Pharaoh's court.' Very discerning for a second
grader!"
So, Michaelsen claims that a second
grader used the phrase "counterfeit miracle" in a detailed critique of Care-a-Lot theology. With an imagination
like that, she could be a world-class Dungeon Master!
Michaelsen argues
that exposure to these "occultic" elements will lead our children
straight into New Age mysticism and then, presumably, to baby-eating:
* "A lot of
children won't have a hard time at all accepting the occult belief in
the power of crystals, because for years they watched the little
dream fairies on 'My Little Pony 'N Friends' use crystals to gain
power over the evil Night Mare."
* "They will be
familiar with the concepts of ESP, because when He-Man suddenly
realized he could hear a creature's thoughts, he understood that the
creature was talking with his mind."
* "Little girls
won't have any problem at all accepting the concept of the Mother
Goddess or that they themselves can become goddesses, because of the
years they lived the fantasy of Wonder Woman and of She-Ra, Princess
of Power."
Which is the more
dangerous fantasy? A young girl believing in the magic of She-Ra, or a grown woman
assailing evils that only she can see?
Even good Christian
C.S. Lewis is a danger! His Narnia books "reflect a
Christian world view, but they include enough references ... to
'good' Witches, wizards. And magicians to confuse the average child."
Tumnus, you see, is a
faun. As Michaelsen points out, "A faun, of
course, is the Roman version of the Greek god Pan, who is identified
as an alter ego of Satan himself in the Satanic Bible."
Also, she uses The Weekly World News as a news source.
Shocking Detail:
Imagination be damned, she'd be a horrible
Dungeon master:
"[Gary]
Gygax insists that his work is just a game ... a work of pure
fantasy ... not real -- and yet, on page 115 of the Official
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Dungeon Master Guide,
1979 edition, under 'Spell Research,' Gygax advises that "it is
absolutely mandatory for the researcher to be of sound mind and body
and to have privacy and seclusion free from interruption during the
course of his or her spell study ... It requires about 8 hours per
day of work."
[All ellipses are Michelsen's.]
Michelesen
pretends that casting a spell in a fantasy game requires players
study in real life for a third of a day. No wonder D&D was catching on! Kids love nothing
more than endless hours of silent contemplation!
Highlight: Just
as Prince Adam
and Princess Adora found fabulous secret powers revealed to them the day they held aloft
their magic swords, Michaelsen, too, was once a regular person
suddenly given power to defend her world from the forces of darkness.
Her
revelation came not at Castle Grayskull
but in the green room of the Trinity Broadcasting Network on New Years
Eve of 1983.
She had been invited on by apocalypse profiteer Hal
Lindsey
to discuss that year's developments in the occult. Unfortunately,
that year -- like all years since the Enlightenment -- there hadn't
been any occult
developments. Michalesen panicked:
"I
had the feeling that there was something tremendously important that
I was supposed to say about the occult. I just had no idea what.
'Please, Lord,' I fervently prayed, 'what is it You want me to
talk about?" A few moments of silence ... and then I heard it --
a still, small voice that said, 'Look what they're doing to my
children.' And then again, 'Look
what they're doing to my children!'
Michaelsen began her crusade by going on the air and describing how Gargamel once
drew a "magic circle" in the dirt to cast an anti-Smurf spell.
Meanwhile, somewhere beyond this mortal realm, Satan shuddered,
knowing a hero had risen to challenge him:
First
level human cleric.
HP 5, AC 9, THAC0 20
STR 8, INT 10, DEX 10, CON
9, WIS 7, CHA 11.
Alignment: lawful batshit.
Showing 1-14 of 14
My mom had this book too- my dad took my Castle Greyskull outside and smashed it with a hammer because it was "inviting evil spirits into the house" or some nonsense. I remember going through this book when my mom wasn't looking, and discovering a healthy skepticism for a lot of this shit.
This was after my first exorcism, but before my second.
It's amazing how many Christians claim the devil is nothing to fear, but live in absolute terror of him. For that matter, it's amazing that they believe in him at all.
Yes, my mom had this book. Damn, it is horrible. You have put me into a state of depression by bringing it up. Thanks.
Judging by the Care Bear illustration of heaven, there's room for about one human! And I'm sure it's reserved for a Phelps.
Are you dressed now, Sonya B?
What's amazing to me is that the true dangers of this "occultic" pop culture are the ones that these alarmists miss. It's not that they lead people to Satan, it's that they lead some people to a life of nothing but that fantasy. I've seen plenty of WOW casualties in my life.
Of course, sports and the church do exactly the same thing.
I remember my step-aunt and step-cousins sitting me down to watch an episode of the 700 Club that focused on the evils of role playing games when they found me filling out a character sheet for a D&D game back in the 7th grade. It was very embarrassing, as there was no explaining to them how stupid this was. They must have forgotten about the evils inherent to RPGs and children's pop-culture, though, because their youngest son (who is now 23 and still lives in their basement) does pretty much nothing but make Star Wars costumes, play Everquest and Warcraft, and attend various Cons. Go figure.
Also: (@ChrisPackam) I totally read just about every Piers Anthony book when I was in grade school and junior high and barely remember anything about them except that all the characters were bare-breasted. I'm sure those books have had some kind of subtle and devastating effect on me, though.
"This book is a must for Christian parents."
"The tricks and schemes that the enemy uses are so sneaky, and will go unnoticed by those not looking to or obeying God."
"If we only knew how many witches and warlocks teach in the school system alone, we'd be running to get our children out of the schools or systems that their in. Oh, I pray that we would wake up!!!!"
Michaelsen might be on to something...ever since my two year old started playing with My Little Ponys, she insists on doing things like "ask questions," challenge me with "no!," and the worst, "walk without falling down." Evil.
Oh, man. The return of Rainbow Brite this year is going to freak her RIGHT the hell out.
Fine, protecting kids from Narnia books is all well and good. But who will stand between our children and pervy old Piers Anthony, whose entire literary career was more or less based around the fundamental sexiness of 14-year-old girls? Also, the puns. Those are "of Satan," no? SO MANY PUNS.
I think my parents must have had that book because one day my sweet, heart-bellied carebear mysteriously disappeared and was replaced with a wooden cross that gave me splinters.
Dude, did you actually roll for her attributes? It looks like you did based on the numbers, and you didn't even cheat like we did by using the best 3 out of 4 (or 5) dice.
I don't know how scared Satan would really be at this point, though. With 5 HP and an AC of 9, a bitchslap from a bugbear would pretty much end things for our noble cleric.
BTW, "alignment: lawful batshit" gave me one of the best laughs I've had in a long time. Kudos for this fantastic piece.
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