LET LIVE FOREVER IN THE PEOPLE'S MEMORY THE UNPARALLED ACHIEVEMENT OF THE OBAMIST GUARD OF OCTOBER, YOU GUYS! The Barack Hussein Obama Adminstrative junta has put forward a radical plan whereby people -- also known as DEATBEAT JOBLESS DEFAULTING LOSER BUMS -- get to keep their houses. The newspapers call it a "$75 billion loan modification program," but I think we all know a communist manifesto when we hear one denounced, loudly, on the AM radio.
Electricity, ee-leck-triss-ity: Here's the deal: Either you start buying more electricity, or Kansas City Power & Light will charge you more for your reduced consumption. Also, if you do buy more electricity, they will start charging more for it. It's a capitalist economy, duh. Basically, your options are: (1) Pay more for your electricity, no matter what, even though you are a jobless hobo, or -- as the French say with their austere continental accents -- "un heauxbeaux sans emploi;" (2) Move into an off-grid shack in the woods, grow a long beard and write up a Grand Unification manifesto drawing together such disparate fields of paranoia as the prevalence of high fructose corn syrup, Barack Obama's citizenship and what "really" happened on 9/11 (This is mostly a means of distracting you from your inert XBox 360); (3) Whip out your patchouli-scented hemp wallet, spend ten large on a system of photo-voltaic cells and storage batteries, put on some Phish, smoke a bunch of pot, read The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran, eat some macrobiotic salad greens, give natural birth without pain medications or soulless medical technology to a child you name Noam Chomsky Leary Guevara Abouhalkah, and noisily devour the still-warm placenta -- for Christ sake, you know you're going to, you're reading the goddamn Pitch, hippie, Jesus, take a shower, get a haircut and find a job.
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