Thursday, March 12, 2009

Studies in Crap: "The O'Reilly Factor For Kids"

Posted By on Thu, Mar 12, 2009 at 6:00 AM

click to enlarge oreillyforkidscover.jpg

Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in

forgotten and bewildering crap culled from area basements, thrift

stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason:

Knowledge is power.

The O'Reilly Factor For Kids

Author: Bill O'Reilly and

Charles Flowers

Publisher: Harper Collins

Date: 2004

Discovered at: DAV Thrift Store,

Southwest Boulevard

The Cover Promises: Someone's

going to have to break the bad news about The O'Reilly Factor

to America's children, so it may as well the man himself. ALSO: Want to win over today's youth? Pull on a sweater!

Representative Quotes:

"My father shamed me, and I got the

message. Nobody should bully anyone, and no one should have to suffer

through it either." (page 16)

"I didn't have sex until I was

twenty years old! Can you believe it? I was kind of a shy guy around

girls, and I had absolutely no 'moves.'" (page 76)

The O'Reilly Factor For Kids offers many surprises. Its

very existence, for example. Or the way O'Reilly reconciles his

belief that people shouldn't "suffer through" bullying with his

belief that people should watch his television program. Or his assumption that America's children should have

thought often enough about when he might have lost his virginity to have formed prior

opinions on the matter.

Or that he makes creepy-uncle promises like this: "If you enjoy

doing something that a friend thinks is 'nerdy' or 'gay,'

know that your secret's safe with me."

All that's surprising, but the biggest shock is how much this

book -- despite the co-author -- actually sounds like Bill O'Reilly. It's written in

the barking, pugilistic style of his TV and radio shows. When he

writes "The bottom line is that this sex thing is big-time

serious," he manages to drag the written word to his own spoken

level.

The O'Reilly Factor For Kids

is a scattershot guide to all the things O'Reilly thinks kids should

do: toughen up, buck

"the self-esteem police," ignore stereotypes, stop listening to

rap music, and allow Chuck Knoblauch (!) to serve as an inspirational

example.

O'Reilly also:

  • Calls teenagers "kids," which is exactly the way to reach them.
  • Recalls the one time he ever bullied someone. (O'Reilly was in Little League.)
  • Warns, "Girls, some guys will tell you anything to get the sex thing going."
  • Boasts he has never been "drunk or stoned."
  • Complains of "attacks" against

    him by "religious maniacs."

  • Reprints a

    newspaper article about his leaving Inside Edition for

    Harvard's Kennedy School of Government.

  • Demonstrates a sparkling comic gift: "Every teacher you have is

    kind, smart, hardworking, and trustworthy. Sure, and I'm Brad Pitt."

oreillforkidsback.jpg


He even pretends to send you some

Goofus & Gallant-style Instant Messages illustrating good and bad

behavior. He divides the world into "Pinhead"s and "Smart

Operator"s.

Here's a sample

pairing:.
"A Pinhead is a kid who shoplifts."
"A

Smart Operator remembers the birthdays of friends and family

members."

And one more:

"A Smart Operator is a kid who

looks past her neighborhood, town, state and country to see the world

outside."

"A Pinhead is a kid who finds a

way to use the word 'butt' in every other sentence, especially when

shouting in the halls at school."

So that's what O'Reilly thinks a pinhead is. I have to admit, I prefer the old Gabba-Gabba definition.

Shocking Detail:

In a chapter misleadingly titled "Fun,"

O'Reilly instructs his young readers to:

"Write down a list of all the things

you find the most fun, even the stupid things. If you really enjoy

sticking a French fry in your ear in order to get a disgusted

reaction from a girl, write that down, too. No one but you will see

the list, so have fun with it."

This list, he promises, "presents a

snapshot of who you are inside." Also,

"Your finished list will

be like a profile -- you know, the kind the FBI puts out when they're

looking for a serial killer. (Okay, I'm just having some fun with

you here.)"

Your Crap Archivist followed O'Reilly's

instructions:

oreillyforkidslist_001.jpg


Next, I subjected it to O'Reilly's follow-up questions to see what I could learn.

He writes, "You should

reconsider any items on your list that make you uneasy. If you were

afraid to write them down, that says it all."

, "You should

reconsider any items on your list that make you uneasy. If you were

afraid to write them down, that says it all."

So: It is unhealthy to engage in fun

things that you would be ashamed to admit to your imaginary friend,

Bill O'Reilly.

This excludes the following:

Highlight:

A preface titled "Direct

To You From Bill O'Reilly" promises a rare event: The chance to learn what's on the mind of a man whose thoughts fill five hours of TV

a week.

In it, he makes a

case for this book's existence. He quotes a couple letters to him

from [purportedly] real kids and then explains,

"I wish I'd had

this book when I was a teenager because, like Elizabeth, I had many

concerns. Unfortunately, no one had written a realistic book for

kids. So I made dumb mistakes, got into trouble because I was too

stubborn to know better, and did things I wish I could forget ...

Maybe you'll laugh at my boneheaded behavior, but that's okay, as

long as you end up smarter than I was at you age."

Think

about it.

If our youthful experiences shape the adults we eventually

grow to be, O'Reilly is, in this book, doing the world a great favor.

If our kids don't make his mistakes, maybe they won't grow into him.

Thanks, creepy uncle teenage-virgin Bill!

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