Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
Those Who Trespass audiobook
Publisher: Random House Audio
Date: 2001, though the book was published in 1998
Discovered at: Goodwill, North Oak Traffickway
The Cover Promises: A bold, fresh piece.
Last week, when your Crap Archivist got all aghast about the inexcusable creepiness that is The O'Reilly Factor For Kids, I failed to point out something important: Horrifying as it is, The O'Reilly Factor For Kids is far from Bill O'Reilly's worst -- or creepiest -- book.
That honor goes to Those Who Trespass, his 1998 novel about an O'Reilly-esque TV journalist who is trained by an Irish Republican Army terrorist to kill the people who deserve it the most: the broadcast news bastards who interfered with the O'Reilly character's career. It's personal on the political level, too -- his victims includes a powerful "bitch" named Hillary and a fat "slob" named Martin Moore.
Before the clips, a bit of context.
The murderer,
Shannon Michaels, is pursued by an O'Reilly-esque cop, Tommy
O'Malley. These two Irish-Americans share their author's tough-talk, lust
for power and (alleged!) belief that the best way to seduce a woman
is to seize her breasts, preferably as she showers.
The
most amazing bits of Those Who Trespass
have been chewed over before here and here. Your Crap
Archivist has little to add, other than four observations:
The
audio book contains many fewer fucks
than the print version.
Those rival good-and-evil O'Reillys? Even Prince's "Batdance" brings more clarity to the subject of duality.
Everybody here
-- from the killer to the cop to the IRA -- believes that the
broadcast professionals Michaels kills were "despicable"
human beings who probably had it coming.
All this sex
and violence from a man who decries hip hop's sex and violence? It's
the pot calling the kettle Irish and pasty.
Here's choice
samples of O'Reilly's prose, read by he who trespasses against the
English language himself.
Bill O'Reilly
Seduces You
This first one comes from an exchange between "Robo," a crack dealer, and his underage
girlfriends.
"Say
baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up."
"I
would like you to unhook your bra and let it slide down your arms.
You can keep your shirt on."
"Cup
your hands under your breasts and hold them for ten seconds."
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Bill O'Reilly is naked and at attention - and he'll perform 'unnatural acts' in the shower (if you beg him)
Damn! Bill O is a total perv!
He should be making porno movies, instead of working for Fox!
I, here and now, humbly assert that you shall NEVER make fun of Prince's Batman soundtrack again. Because that shit is AWESOME.
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