HAHA, you're stupid: Inasmuch as signing the occasional internet petition, belching, and then clicking over to 4chan to look for torrents of Wolverine constitutes "affirmation," I affirmatively support the rights of gay people to get married. But you guys, the homophobic Miss California, Carrie Prejean, vs. Perez Hilton is a two-way tie for last place. Prejean lost the Miss USA pageant on Sunday, probably by voicing her opposition to gay marriage to the openly gay dumb douchebag Hilton, thereby inadvertently winning the Miss Your Grandpa's Girlfriend pageant. Right? Because your grandpa says that thing all the time about how God "didn't create Adam and Steve."
"That's not the kind of woman I want to be Miss USA," Hilton later told MSNBC, which first of all brings to mind the question about who Perez Hilton does want to be Miss USA. Probably a man. But honestly, who really, actively holds an opinion about which specific pampered, genetically blessed pageant pony gets to wear the Miss USA sash? Prejean's old-lady response just proves that she didn't really want the crown. Because if she had, she would have ground her expensively crowned teeth and asked herself what Perez Hilton wanted to hear her say. How badly do you want to wear that stupid crown? Obviously not badly enough. You guys, I have a lot of important goals in my life, and I guarantee that I'll lie, cheat and betray my own principles as a means of accomplishing those goals. Therefore, that Miss USA crown is rightfully mine. But there is some serious satisfaction in the realization that Prejean's irrational bigotry just cost her the one thing she'd been striving toward for her WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.
Not that I'm bitter: They held the Pulitzer Prize Awards Ceremony yesterday, which is basically to journalism what the Eugene Fuller Triennial Prostate Award is to the American Urological Association. In fact, since the Eugene Fuller Triennial Prostate Award is only given out every three years, it's actually three times more prestigious than a Pulitzer -- that's buttressed not so much by the field of mathematics as by simple arithmetic. Advancements in the field of journalism, like advancements in the field of butthole health, enrich the culture by shining the bright light of empirical reason on society's darkest buttholes. Speaking of which, every year that the Pulitzer committee does not give another journalism trophy to Thomas L. Friedman is another year in which it inches a little closer to the credibility conferred by the very prestigious Eugene Fuller Triennial Prostate Award. That mustached goon has three Pulitzers, which he won for writing unbelievable sentences like this one:
I basically did all the library research for this book on Google, and it not only saved me enormous amounts of time but actually gave me a much richer offering of research in a shorter time.
CONGRATULATIONS, lazy eighth graders; you are now eligible for a Pulitzer prize. Anyway, here are this year's winners. The Pulitzer committee has now failed to give Thomas L. Friedman a trophy for the seventh consecutive year; a 10-year shutout strips him of one of the Pulitzers he's already been awarded according to a rule which sounds totally reasonable to me, am I wrong?