I can't decide whether this Craigslist ad is real or a work of fiction. In any case, it's the most hilariously written -- just perfectly framed and executed -- musical-equipment-for-sale ad I've ever read. (Thanks to RG for the tip.) I'm not sure which member of the band placed the ad, but I'm deducing that it's the band's frontman, based on the way he phrases the headline:
The bravura section:
Here is the low down on the amp. This thing is ALWAYS louder than my amp. It is a peavey XXL 212 and apparently has no volume knob because that son of a cocksucker would never turn it down. It has three channels, Clean, Crunch, and Look At Me, I Am Playing Another Lead! It has a foot switch that changes between the channels and turns on and off the effects loops so you can have a ginourmous home made pedal board and look like the biggest douche that ever graced the stage of the Riot Room. There is also a reverb so you can make your guitar sound like the moaning echos of a man who's wife is a cheating whore. I assure you, it is in pristine shape, as the former owner took care of it like it were his baby. Well, he is busy taking care of other things now, isn't he? Please buy this thing before I throw it through the window of his house.
And the kicker:
Also looking for new guitarist.
Here's the poor lil' amp.
What tangled webs we weave.
In accordance with the wishes of the National Pork Board, I've stopped saying "swine flu." I have a soft spot for vested corporate interests and trade groups and the factory-produced meat industry in particular, and I love it when those organizations literally tell me what terminology is and is not supposed to be coming out of my mouth. After the jump, some stuff about flu preparedness and Pres. Barack Obama's press conference, which is ALL VERY INTERESTING, as officially certified by this notary public:
Combining Russia with Korea: bad when talking about the Cold War, good when talking food. [KC With a Russian Accent]
It's a small world. How else to explain running into somebody you know more than 500 miles away from home. [JJs in KC]
Be careful when you teach your child to make coffee, the machine's part might have been recalled. [3 O'Clock AM]
An interview with an author who claims to know why people overeat. Not that he knows how to solve overeating, he just knows why we do it. [WSJ]
Twenty-four-year-old Tyler Coey's MUTT toy is a hand-assembled plastic box cut out of PVC with an angled face and a rounded tail. That's all. But hand the simplest of toy platforms to 50 artists, and the MUTTs become a heard of mixed-up mongrels beyond their creator's most paint-fume-enhanced fantasies.
Coey, an artist in his own right, got really into vinyl toys like those made by Kid Robot and, locally, Jeremy Madl, appreciating how they provided a canvas for artists and designers to stretch their creativity in 3-D. He decided to try to make his own platform. Conveniently, his mother owns a sign company, and at the shop one night, Coey experimented with the materials there until he'd created a cute, boxy creature named MUTT.
Coey wanted to sell the toys on his Web site, but first, he knew he had to create a buzz. So he gave away MUTT toys free to 50 artists -- several here in KC -- and told them to go nuts. The resulting exhibition opens tomorrow (May 1) at the A.Okay Official gallery in Chicago, at 3270 N. Clark. It's called The MUTT Show: Reloaded. ("Reloaded," because the exhibition actually started its journey in New York City on April 3.)
MUTTs by Kansas City artists Trenton Matthews, Adrian Halpern, Hector Casanova, Useless, Eggs, Gear, Oktobot and Sike are included in the show.
"People use traditional materials, like acrylic paint and spray paint," Coey tells The Pitch. "But as far as non-traditional, I've seen people use bendy straws and buttons and little scraps from other toys. ... It's been really fun to watch."
Last night, the public got a chance to question the finalists for Kansas City School District superintendent. So it's as good a time as any to check in on KC's last superintendent, Anthony Amato.
After less than a year, Amato was pushed out, leaving a lot of arguing behind. Were his key programs just canned plays he always implemented? Was he a decisive leader willing to do what needed to be done to turn Kansas City's schools around or just an asshole who couldn't work with anyone? Based on the reporting we did, it seemed like the latter. And it's looking more and more like we were right.
Looking to ease into some KC blues this weekend -- and maybe a purple silk shirt, too?
On Friday night, the Hideout (6948 North Oak Trafficway, 816-468-0050) hosts the J.D. Summers Band. Led by Jordan D'Ray Summers, a 29-year-old guitarist, keyboard player and vocalist, this band boasts a solid party song lineup. How could you not respect a band that makes these promises on its Web site?
We only play with the highest quality instruments available and always have back up equipment on hand in case of the unforeseen malfunction. We provide lights, top quality PA, and flyers in advance, as well as a weekly update to more than 100 fans on our mailing list. The one thing we don't bring is drama. We show up on time, play solid and provide a memorable evening for all. We understand this is business and as such we treat your club, your staff and your customers with the respect they deserve.
You deserve that, right?
Or maybe get started building local blues tastes with a few sets from Fast Johnny Ricker.
Fast Johnny, who has opened for the Fabulous Thunderbirds, George Thorogood and Chubby Carrier lays down his mean slide guitar at B.B.'s Lawnside BBQ this Saturday. Check out his experimental Texas/Delta Blues from 9 p.m. to 12:30 a.m.
But the real action this weekend, I mean, the real action ...
Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from area basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
Author: Claire & Curt Cloninger
Publisher: River Oak Publishing
Discovered at: Goodwill, Olathe
The Cover Promises: Can God craft a spam filter so powerful even He can't get through it?
From an e-mail titled "I'm Fun":
"If you spend time with Me, you'll find out that what you really want is a relationship with Me. I made you to need Me, and until you need Me, you won't really be happy.
Get to know me and I'll satisfy your desires. (I may even throw in a boat, too! You never can tell.)
As Claire and Curt Cloninger have it, in 1999, after millenia of silence, the Creator of All Things at last revealed himself, this time not through prophets or angels but, presumably, AOL. In this shocking collection, the Cloningers compile over 200 messages straight from the Outbox of Outboxes. They claim "It's an opportunity to log onto God's heart and mind."
The (new) good news? God likes you.
Like, maybe the way that creepy student teacher liked you in junior high.
Just before the first drops of a heavy rainstorm began falling on midtown Kansas City, I accosted a few young metalheads outside the Uptown Theater for an impromptu interview. Brothers Matt (20), Dustin (18) and Joe Sherman (15) and their friend Vince Cash (18) left their home of Lebanon, Missouri, at 4 a.m. to get to the Uptown by 8 to ensure a place down front for tonight's Lamb of God show. Among other things, we talked about the educational properties of metal, because, after all, they did skip school for this show.
In the course of reporting this week's feature on meat-promoter and regulation-hater Charlie Arnot, I heard a lot of arguments for and against the use of antibiotics to raise piglets to fat
to afford a pound of meat. And if federal regulators do what they want
to do about cutting out non-therapeutic use of antibiotics, there's at
least one study that says the resulting changes to the meat industry
will end up in higher prices at the butcher shop.
The lineup for this year's KPRS 103.3 Summer Jam 2 has just been announced.
Soulja Boy (a.k.a. Soulja Boy Tell 'Em)
A couple of these cats have new albums out. Beefing with 50 Cent has paid off for Rick Ross, who just landed his third consecutive number-one album with Deeper than Rap, which knocked out Hannah Montana: The Movie. Clash of the titans, there. Meanwhile, Tech N9ne just released his second "Collabos" album, Sickology 101. And, looky! Soulja Boy has a Twitter.
It looks like air travel does not agree with the young master:
Tickets for the concert, which is Saturday, June 13, at Capitol Federal Park at Sandstone, go on sale this Saturday, May 2, at 10 a.m.
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