Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist
brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from
area basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do
this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
Doctor Morrison's Miracle Body Tune-Up for Rejuvenated
Health
Author:
Marsh Morrison, D.C.,
Ph.C, F.I.C.C.
Publisher: Parker Publishing, West Nyack, New York
Date:
1973
Discovered at: 2nd Chance Thrift, 63rd & Troost
Representative
Quotes:
"The
Female Has A 'Little Penis' Also." (Section heading, page 117).
"Another
way to build strength into the muscles of the vagina is to place a
large coin between the buttocks and walk around gripping the coin
between 'the cheeks of the posterior.' (page 129)
Staggering
between holistic common sense and the most peculiar of rubbish,
Doctor Morrison's Miracle
Body Tune-Up for Rejuvenated Health concerns
advice
on the elimination of hunchbackedness, treating a prostate by sitting
on a hot water bottle, and how "counter-gravitational drills" can
improve any woman's "skinny flat-chested condition."
Most impressive is "How to Tune Up Your Love Life," a fascinating
chapter distinguished by section headings like "What Must A Man
Know About A Woman's Parts?", "What Goes On Down There When
You're Sexually Aroused?" and the immortal "How Masturbation
Helped This Uptight Female Teacher."
[Note: Since Dr. Morrison's book offers no images, I am illustrating this
post with fifties "Coital Posture Diagrams."]
Dr. Morrison professes the importance of that lady-penis. That said,
he writes bitchily of the unsatisfied female patients who have
complained to him, over the years, of their husbands' tendency to
"ride low":
"By
this they meant that in the conventional male-superior position of
sex, the male position was too low to contact and stimulate the
clitoris during the in-and-out movements of the act. These women were
not on the right track. (I always thought that they didn't much like
their mates anyway; for if they did, his 'ride low' position would
have been thoroughly satisfactory."
Lesson One: It's
women's fault when they don't get off.
From
"The Size of the Penis Makes No Difference," here's a defensive
Morrison on the subject of men's
little
clitorises.
"The
talk that one hears is to the effect that Negro men are especially
large-built or endowed in this respect. The truth is that the black
man's penis is usually longer in the relaxed state, but not in any
important respect larger than the white man's penis in the erect
state. ... It just so happens that when a white man has an erection
his penis enlarges much more from the 'soft stage' than is the case
with the average black man."
Lesson Two:
McCain Wins!
Morrison argues
that male impotence is caused by female ridicule and that the key to
our daily fight against "gravity" is daily sessions of Primordial
Walking: "Pick out the largest room or hallway in your home and
walk on all fours, the kind of walking done primordially, by your
first ancestors."
His other insights
include:
"Stretching
and dilating the anal sphincter is a most important technique in
gaining a Miracle Tune-Up for Rejuvenated Health. ... All
you need to do is obtain a rectal dilator and tube of K-Y jelly, or
bottle of vitamin E (wheat germ) oil."
"For
some degree of protection against infection, the male can rub a
little vinegar onto the glans, or head, of his penis."
"An
easy and effective way to strengthen the vaginal muscles involved in
gripping the penis is this. Imagine your needing to evacuate the
bowels and draw the stool back forcefully."
"When
groups of drinking and non-drinking sailors had sex with the same
prostitutes, those with alcohol in their blood were infected, while
the non-drinking men had no disease after-effects at all. This has
been reported with enough sufficiency to give it credibility."
when I halt the use of condoms, the backaches go away, which is
confirmatory evidence of the theory."
Shocking Detail:
Morrison defines sex as "an electro-magnetic interchange between
the male and female."
"The
electric lunges out and seeks, hunting its ground area -- and the
male certainly hunts and seeks the female as the place where he wants
to be grounded."
Further, "We know that the hair makes electric sparks when we run a
comb through it. When the pubic hair of lovers is in contact, with
ensuing friction, the electric sparks fly also."
No surprise,
then, that he disapproves of condoms:
"Rubber
is a non-conductor of electricity; and the rubber condom is guilty of
preventing the healthy conduction, or flow, of the male electrical
discharges."
Lesson Three:
Before making love, rub your socks on the carpet.
Highlight: Dr. Morrison's other books include How to Eat Away Impotence as well as the following:
"One day, Kissinger croaked, 'Please. I am not a mister.'"or
"Having struck out with doctors, dentists, and pharmacists, I found myself indulging more prosaic fantasies."or
"There are ten stories in the City of Fingerless Men, but nobody could count them."
Showing 1-11 of 11
dr morrison is a great doctor with over 30 year expirience, who cures you in a natural way just buy his books and put it in practice and you will see.
Just a tad bit better than the stick figures that George Dubya can draw.
I am on my way to the $store for synthetic socks and a mood ring right now. Call me in an hour and I will be ready to go!!!!
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