We made it! Self-proclaimed "Chicken-Shit with an Attitude" Gloria Squitiro included The Pitch in her 35 page manuscript that's sure to grab the attention of book publishers looking for an unstable megalomaniac (she's tentatively titled the "book" It All Started When I was Born and C'mon Funk, Move Your Ass -- Gloria Squitiro and the New Politics because it's all about Glo-Squit).
Thanks to the intrepid reporters of KSHB Channel 41, the whole diary/manuscript/whatever you call it came out Monday night. Birthing Pioneer Squitiro didn't like the Pitch cover on the right. Here's her screed written on December 31, 2008:
I wrote in our Christmas letter this year that while Funk has become somewhat of a folk hero, I am whatever the opposite ofWhew. Thought she was going to be mad there for a second. We got off easy compared to say, Ruth Bates, who is suing Squitiro for racial discrimination and sexual harassment. Squitiro calls Bates a "bitch" and writes on August 8: "Fuck you Ruth Bates. You wanted to start something, well nowthat would be. I also wrote that I've been referring to myself as Yoko,
as all that is wrong in Kansas City is either my fault or it will be my
fault any day now.
Wouldn't you know it, The Pitch's last coverof the year was of me and Funk in a John and Yoko pose. Funk was
horrified. He thought it was degrading, especially with the kids in
town for Christmas. He also wondered what the purpose was. I think it
is incredibly disrespectful as Funk is a highly recognized publicly
[sic] official that appears realistically naked on the cover of a newspaper.
It's also amazingly hypocritical. Where is the shock and outrage over
the newspaper being too racy? Especially compared to my Christmas letter
that was meant for personal eyes only?
[Pitch editor] CJ [Janovy] is like a puppy thatwas taken from the tit too soon. She's so needy and clingy and no one
has been able live up to her expectations.
I guess there can be worse things to be compared to other than Bill and Hilary and John and Yoko.
you started something. Watch out. My lawyer is coming to get you."
Yeah, her lawyer's coming to write you a big settlement check!
We also get off easier than Squitiro's own hubby, Vulcanized Mayor Mark Funkhouser.
"I have never hit a single person before
in my life, but I have hit Funk more times in this last 18 months than
I can bare," Squitiro writes on December 19. "I don't know how he remains with me."
Squit and Funk fight throughout the 35 pages because the mayor "doesn't
respond to my hurt," which manifests itself in tears and therapy
sessions and lots and lots of cussing. There's also too much info, like
the day she was "PMSing" (September 21) and how
Funkhouser is "barely escaping with his life." Home life must be so
pleasant. Especially with the outbursts that seem to come out of
nowhere, like her rage against a mechanic who was trying to explain
what's wrong with her car.
"I cut him off before he finished his long-assed explanation and told
Funk to pay the man for his time. I didn't add that he should pay him
quickly so I didn't end up killing him. It's become almost impossible
to do the most mundane things in the world now. And our time is too
short to have someone purposely fucking with us like this asshole
surely was."
You are not paranoid. Everyone is out to get you.
Squitiro fails at portraying herself as the sympathetic figure that she desperately longs to be. She's mean. Really, really mean. She hisses about Funkhouser keeping a 5-minute meeting on his schedule.
"It's the first anniversary that we've ever missed," she writes.
She throws a tantrum when she can't sit at the "head table" with
Funkhouser at a speaking engagement as well as the lack of "special
parking for the Mayor." Squitiro storms off and goes home. Whatever happened to that stuff about regular folks?
"These macho men had just slapped the Mayor's wife in the face, and
then expected me to sit down and quietly accept my place in their
world," Squitiro writes. "The worst part was that I knew that my husband
hadn't even noticed the insult."
She complains about having to pick up Funkhouser after the event,
"wasting my gas. And tearing myself away from my daughter who appeared
to be coming down with some sort of illness right before my eyes."
Squitiro doesn't hide her feelings for Councilmembers Cathy Jolly, Beth
Gottstein, Jan Marcason and Bill Skaggs. She gives Gottstein, who she
calls "sick" and "desperate for approval and attention," an "icy hello"
at an event. She calls Marcason a "phony" and says she "despises" her
"with a vigor and energy that knows no bounds. I will work to show the
woman for what she really
is -- a complete phony." She labels Skaggs "a moron."
She's oblivious to how she treats people. On October 27, she writes that she's not
sure how someone with the last name of Kemper "has any friends his
attitude is so angry."
She doesn't hide her contempt for Congressman Emanuel
Cleaver, who she claims tried to avoid her and Funk at Meiners.
Squitiro even hates the city, calling KC a "backward, Podunk city."
There's much about behind-the-scenes maneuvering that comes across as
inept once she reveals her motivations. She writes about meeting
Republican operative Jeff Roe at Cascone's "so
all the world could see what we were up to. We met with [Woody] Cozad
there as well, for the same reason." She sure does hate playing
politics, though.
On December 1, she laments not feeding the press or issuing press
release. "We're pathetic losers," she writes. "Here's our chance to
flip the sentiment and to vindicate me, and we do nothing with it."
The Funkhouser-Squitiro family sounds like it's on the verge of
collapse -- they're "barely
keeping our little family together." Then there are downright creepy
moments.
"Andrew screeches at me because I smacked his ass as he walked by
me," Squitiro writes of her son on August 4. "I wonder what is up with him, that I
don't know about." (Note to Squitiro: Like most adult males with a mother fond of inappropriate touching, the
guy's probably weirded out by you slapping his ass!)
Young master Squitiro and mom have a big fight when he refuses to
get mommy and daddy sandwiches. "He twisted it around to make me look
crazy for asking," Squitiro writes.
Even Tara Squitiro's boyfriend, Charles, doesn't escape Gloria Squitiro's wrath. She
calls him a "loser" and recounts giving the poor guy a hard time from
the minute she met him.
Then it gets even more bizarre. Squitiro claims to have a hidden "power."
"I've been trying to pretend to others that it doesn't exist and thus
pushed it away," she writes on August 9. "But now I realize that I have
to let it in. I have the burden of being a leader, but none of the
protection."
On October 8, her delusions of grandeur are even more pronounced. "I don't know why I'm even in this," she writes. "This
wasn't my dream. Yet like so many other things in my life, including
leaving Funk, in the end, I just can't turn away from it. Something is
driving me forward that is bigger than me. It's so stupid."
This also wouldn't be Squitiro without a visit from a "teenage spirit," which she saw on December 6. "It scared me, but
mostly I just wanted to have a good night sleep." Wait. Quit talking about how tired you are. Give us more about the spirit.
"Time enough to get my courage up to allow a spirit
to come shining through."
She can't seem to admit that she's done anything wrong. On the "real mistakes" that she and
Funk have made: "Recommending Ed Wolf to be the council liaison, not
putting my foot down when he chose the title of Chief of Staff, and not
putting my foot down on Ed's insistence of the hiring of Ruth Bates,
Shawn Pierce and Burnetta Burtin. This was our downfall."
But her December 7 entry about her disappointment with her deposition
sums up everything nicely. "I wasn't as articulate or as thorough as I
thought I was."
Showing 1-13 of 13
I've met Gloria twice. It's not like we sat down and had tea together,but how dare anyone in KC try and judge her. She helps Mark,she really does. She can be gracious and kind,and really,we are one bored little world if this is all we have to do,to critisize someone who's actually WILLING to be nitpicked apart. I think some people need hobbies.
@ jeni -- This isn't just a diary. I believe this is a manuscript for a book that Gloria is writing.
http://blogs.pitch.com/plog/20...
We're kind if you get to know us.
I think this blog was well-written but really unfair to Gloria. I read through the whole diary and thought it simply showed how hurt and human she was, also how honest and real. I mean, if people read any of your diaries they'd probably think "crazy" and "inarticulate" too. Diaries are just not meant for public scrutiny. But I guess there's no room for kindness or understanding at "The 'hip alt. weekly' Pitch."
I don't know GLoria Squitiro or Mark Funkhouser, but if I worked at city hall and she got in my way on something I would request the she get out of the way or be removed forcibly by the police. She is nothing but a volunteer to the city. She has no rights as an employee and, while she might have the ear of the mayor, she has no say in city government. If she wants to have a say then get on the ballot and run for something or apply for a full-time job. Without either the credentialing as an employee or as an elected official then she has no more say about things than any other citizen. If she is in the way then tell her to remove herself and if she doesn't then act like you would with any other private citizen and have her removed from city hall forcibly. Otherwise the whole thing is sound and fury signifying nothing. Simple fix to a simple problem!!!
I think her whining about wasting gas is one of the best parts here. The fact she doesn't have the mental capacities to understand that she threw a temper tantrum like my 3 and 4 year old nephews would and left the event on her own accord is mindboggling.
I really, really hope he leaves that self-righteous woman behind. If anything, keeping some insane woman at his flank at all times is reason enough to have his own sanity and ability to do his job called into question.
I'm really happy I don't live in KCMO right about now.
I look forward to reading an account in the Pitch someday about the passage in her upcoming book about the day she read on the Pitch this account from notes for her upcoming book of her reading the Pitch.
Meesha
she mentioned "a hatefull blogger" or something to that effect somewhere in there. But Im surprised she didnt devote at least a paragraph to him.
Two options now: 1) go "away" ala Whitlock's trip to fat camp or 2) claim this was all fiction.
My money is on the former- a nice trip to rehab or the equiv. for nuts.
I had no idea. I've never met her or anything, but I thought, "She can't be that crazy."
Again, I had no idea.
And by the way, could we go ahead and declare a moratorium on the baseball-ized nickname "Glo-Squit"? It sounds like radioactive vag discharge.
I scrolled through the file but didn't notice mentions of TKC (I could've missed them easily). His pride it probably hurt not making it in the manuscript.
I somehow picture Squit at this very moment, standing in front of the open fridge door, eating pudding with her fingers, mumbling to herself, ala kathy bates in MISERY.
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