Thursday, July 23, 2009

Studies in Crap presents '80s Action Heroes Where They Don't Belong, Part One: Rambo Coloring & Activity Book!

Posted by Alan Scherstuhl on Thu, Jul 23, 2009 at 6:00 AM

Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from area basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

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Rambo Coloring & Activity Book

Author: Frank Stinga and Carrie Fink
Publisher: Modern Publishing
Date: 1985
Discovered at: Brass Armadillo Antique Mall, Grain Valley, MO

The Cover Promises:
You expect and demand little of your children.

Representative Quotes:

"Rambo is a real freedom fighter." (page 8)
"Rambo is a real woodsman." (page 18)
"Ka-pow!" (page 14)

Not long after the extraordinary success of Rambo: First Blood, Part II, 1985's R-rated orgy of torture, guerrilla warfare, and sensual moments spent tying bandannas beneath waterfalls, market research conducted for Carolco Entertainment revealed a surprising fact: The United States was now home to just enough terrible parents for a syndicated cartoon based upon Sylvester Stallone's Vietnam-haunted ammo-fetishist to achieve profitability.

Of course, Rambo and the Forces of Freedom, the resulting series, eliminates the movie's killshots and avoided First Blood concerns such as PTSD or Rambo's wish that this country love its soldiers as much as its soldiers love it. Instead of smearing himself in mud and strangling Vietnamese soldiers, cartoon Rambo jumps over a motorcycle and then dispatches the driver with a cardboard box. (It does share with the movies a devotion to lingering shots of a half-dressed Rambo prepping for battle.) Any time spent with Rambo and the Forces of Freedom should scratch one theory about Sylvester Stallone movies: They're not cartoons. Cartoons, at least, are inventive.

What's not inventive is this detestable ancillary product, a coloring book created with such contempt for its audience that, somewhere, George Lucas must be jealous.

For example, what possible joy might kids find in switching from light to dark gray as they color-by-number this canon?

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The book opens with exposition so flat that the reader longs for the snap and excitement of actual Sylvester Stallone dialogue scenes.
 

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Another joy: coloring the static faces of grim adults! Also, it's worth noting the goofiness of the eyes, here. The colonel's pupils bob alarmingly ...

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...  while Rambo's demonstrate that the artist has dared some symbolic exploration of the hero's soul. Let's look closer.
 

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That's no eye -- that's a vulture wearing a bib!

Flip it over and we have a nipple in a gondola.

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Eyes and nipples remain a motif on the next page, which finds Rambo undertaking this satellite mission ...

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...  with the eyes of a Jack o' lantern carved into his chest.
 
For a page or two, your Crap Archivist almost believed the artist harbored some ambition. Then I came to this.

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Much like his country did to him, Rambo turns his back on this embarrassing maze. If you insist on conquering maze mountain, here's a hint: GO UP.
 
After Rambo finds the satellite, unconnected bursts of nonsense pad the rest of the story:

  • Rambo is attacked by helicopters on top of a mountain, so he does what any real woodsman would do.

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  • Rambo befriends a fawn.

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  • Rambo pulls on a shirt, whips out a knife, and violates all rules of perspective and limb-length.

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  • Rambo is attacked by a letter-jacket.

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  • Rambo turns his eyes into snails.

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Shocking Detail:
Yes, each aspect of Rambo Color and Activity Book smacks of such half-assedness that "half-assedness" fails to describe it. This is no-assedness.

But nothing in it can prepare for the laziness of this dot-to-dot.

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Dear Frank Stinga and Carrie Fink,
WHY DO YOU HATE FUN?

Pop Quiz!
This sketch took me half a minute.
 

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Does it depict ...

  • Rambo eyes?

  • Bibbed vultures?

  • Gondola nipples?

  • Parenthetical olives?

  • Mustachioed eclipses?

  • A sleepy peacock?

Join us right here next Tuesday for a Bonus Studies in Crap, featuring part two of our '80s Action Heroes Where They Don't Belong series!


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Comments (8)

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i just want to say to anyone that come across this page that i did not draw these pictures. frank drew them and i was the inker. if you want to see what i can do look for liberty girl comic with mark sparacio. i did the coloring on those.

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Posted by carrie fink on March 18, 2010 at 10:41 PM

And that's not a nipple in a gondola! It's George Jetson's car!

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Posted by Tanner on July 23, 2009 at 10:46 AM

ghweldon is some kind of genius.

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Posted by Tanner on July 23, 2009 at 10:43 AM

Richard Crenna is turning over in his poorly-drawn grave.

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Posted by jjskck on July 23, 2009 at 10:41 AM

I never thought that coloring could lead to such wrong-doing.

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Posted by Orphan Eagle on July 23, 2009 at 10:02 AM

MOM:
"Honey, put your crayons and things away, now. It's time to clean up for dinner. Playtime's over."

BECKY:
"NOTHING IS OVER! NOTHING! You just don't turn it off! IT WASN'T MY WAR! You asked me, I didn't ask you!

And I did what I had to do to win! BUT SOMEBODY WOULDN'T LET US WIN!

And I come back to the world and I see all those MAGGOTS at the airport, protesting me, spitting. Calling me baby killer and all kinds of vile crap!

WHO ARE THEY TO PROTEST ME? WHO ARE THEY? Unless they've been me and been there and know what the hell they're yelling about!"

MOM:
"....You're the last of an elite group, Becky. Don't let it end like this."

BECKY:
"And I went to get a couple of beers, and the box was wired, and he opened up the box, fucking blew his body all over the place.

And he's laying there, he's fucking screaming. There's pieces of him all over me, just... like this, and I'm tryin' to pull him off, you know, MY FRIEND THAT'S ALL OVER ME!"

I've got blood and everything and I'm tryin' to hold him together! I'm puttin'... the guy's fuckin' insides keep coming out! And nobody would help! NOBODY WOULD HELP!

He's saying, sayin' "I wanna go home! I wanna go home!" He keeps calling my name! "I wanna go home, Johnny! I wanna drive my Chevy!"

I said "Why? I can't find your fuckin' legs! I can't find your legs!""

[SCENE}

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Posted by ghweldon1 on July 23, 2009 at 9:26 AM

They really made this?

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Posted by Pisces on July 23, 2009 at 6:45 AM

I love how the tiger looks like he's leaning across the back yard fence and just gabbing with his girlfrind Rambo.

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Posted by Rambo Eyes on July 23, 2009 at 5:41 AM
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