Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
Is George Bush the Antichrist? A guide to Armageddon
Author: P. Stephen Hanchett
Date: 2004
Publisher: Self-published, obviously.
Representative Quote:
"Skull & Bones is widely believed to be the American branch of the original German Thule society. That makes Adolf Hitler and George W. Bush more-or-less fraternity brothers." (page 77).
Much like the puppet that dreamed of becoming a boy, or the Zima that ached to become a beverage for grown-ups, a Connecticut fancy boy once pretended to be from Texas. Real Texans found this so hilarious they made him governor.
Then, after watching Rudy, the Supreme Court teamed up with the Make-a-Wish Foundation to give that lunkhead dreamer America's biggest job!
Hilarity ensued, sometimes in books, the place where adults have long hidden important ideas from George W. Bush. This week, your Crap Archivist pits his two most cherished Bush-related tomes against each other. Only the crappiest will prevail!
Taking on P. Stephen Hanchett's left-wing Left Behind-isms is Checkerbee's cheery supermarket cash-in The Bushes: Who Are These People, Anyway?
Date: 2001
Publisher: Checkerbee
Representative Quote:
"He dressed comfortably (often in jeans and cowboy boots), spent his time reading or enjoying time with his family and never tried to be something other than the down-home country boy from Midland that he is." (page 27).
Yes, he never tried to be anything but a good-old boy, except maybe those two times he ran for president.
Anyway, it's face-off time! One book compares our 43rd president to John F. Kennedy. The other compares him to Jim Jones and David Koresh. One never mentions the Yale secret society Skull & Bones. The other often mis-spells skull "S-C-U-L-L."
One book damns Bush as "evil manifested in the world."
The other runs this photo:
One book reveals that Bush's name turns up in the work of Nostradamus:
"Mabus is a combination of MAgog and BUSh, a direct reference to Bush's given name in a Satanic cult. (Bush was named 'Magog' when he joined the Scull and Bones society.) The H in Bush is silent in Latin languages. Homework assignment: If you write down and take the first two letters of Mabus, turn them around 180 degrees, and hold it to the mirror, Mabus becomes gW Bush."
The other reveals that gamma-ray exposure gave Neil Bush super stretchy powers.
Both books indulge in unlikely comparisons. One likens the Bushes to the Kennedys:
Wait, wouldn't that be the third Camelot?
The other compares the Bushes to NAMBLA.
"[Bush's 'compassionate conservatism'] is like a child molester's professed compassion for children. Though a child molester professes a selfless love for children, an even half believes it, his true motive is to feed his own lust. In Bush's case, it's a lust for money and power, whereas in the child molester it's a lust for sex."
Can you identify which book each excerpt is from?
One conjures up the greatest horrors of the ages, comparing Bush to Stalin, Hitler, Hannibal, Nebuchadnezzar and the early seasons of Survivor.
The other shows horror-master Steven King at work . . .
... and ignores Survivor in favor of the more patriotic Love, American Style .
One names Fundamentalism, Empire, Corporations, and World Poverty as the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The other's horse story is even more alarming.
Shocking Detail:
One has allegations of dark conspiracies:
While the other has allegations of dark conspiracies!
"Political observers had a field day with the that the 2000 presidential election wound up in Jeb's home state of Florida. Jeb had promised his brother that he would help with the critical state, and it would have been a real embarrassment for the bushes if George W.'s razor-slim victory hadn't materialized."
Highlight:
Of course, these books aren't all crappy. To my surprise, one of them manages to make a valid point every once in a while.
"Even those who don't like him are likely to think him a well-intentioned man who makes a lot of 'stupid' mistakes. But is it stupid to act in such a way to increase the threat of terrorism, when you depend so completely on the threat of terrorism on order to maintain and increase your own power?"
And the other includes a truly terrifying prognostication.
"Besides these impressive young people, there are several other Bushes waiting in the wings, including Jeb Bush's twenty-something daughter Noelle, as well as Marvin's and Dorothy's children. Given the legacy their family members have forged before them, we would not be surprised to see Bushes dotting the political landscape for a long time to come."
These bursts of quality have changed the nature of this contest! After careful deliberation, your Crap Archivist awards the honor of "Crappiest George W. Bush Book" to write-in candidate Bob Woodward for Bush at War, an account so fawning it makes the good folks at Checkerbee look like Woodward & Bernstein.
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I wanted to subscribe to rss feed coz i read a few articles here and really liked them, but i do not think your subscription works. or i'm doing something wrong...
If you (including Zum) would like to read more caustic (vitriolic ?) comments about reporters, politicians, sports figures, fraudsters, bankers, etc.,you might like to look at my weblog http://www.philitics.com
Cheers, Phil Linehan
Ben, the Bernadette Peters link is an example of the horny, patrotic, firewwork-y madness that is "Love, American Style."
Is NO ONE else completely baffled by the Bernadette Peters link in the middle of this blog post?! Why is it THERE???
This is how I see Woodward -- Phil Linehan
The Bob Woodward Story, Part I,
or How to Make a Sharp U-Turn
(written in May 2006)
Two young reporters, like all their kind,
yearned to escape their daily grind.
Keen they were, enthusiastic,
and prayed they�d clinch that scoop fantastic.
Little did they dream that fate
would lay before them Watergate,
and all the President�s men�s skullduggery
best described perhaps as thuggery.
Bob typified the dogged sleuth
who�d dig �til he unveiled the truth.
Investigation was his strength;
for a story he�d go any length.
He�d probe the White House fabrications,
delve into Nixon�s aberrations,
uncover every lie or prevarication
and expose a rotten administration.
So Bob and fellow newsman Carl
vowed Tricky Dicky to ensnarl.
Lucky for them a mole appeared
with a modus best described as weird.
He�d meet with Bob in a garage under ground
where his whispers did not make a sound.
He earned the nickname of Deep Throat
and he gave our Sherlock cause to gloat.
Bob and Carl gained widespread admiration
for what they did to save the nation.
They exemplified steadfast persistence
as they wore down editor Ben�s resistance.
So President Nixon was thrown out �
a mighty triumph without a doubt.
A task not easy to repeat
on a humble newsman�s normal beat.
New fields of effort they had to find
and leave their news desks far behind.
Carl�s modest ways stayed as of yore
while Bob�s huge ego was now a bore.
To young journalists he was quite the hero,
a role he took to like De Niro.
A real colossus he became,
a legend now of worldwide fame.
Made managing editor at the Post
he seemed to vanish like a ghost.
Now his by-line seldom would appear
and co-workers soon began to sneer.
They asked wherever could he be found
and why he was never seen around.
Eager hacks set out to trace him
and it did not take them long to place him.
He was seen as he left in a rush
from an office occupied by Bush.
The guy who hated presidents� men
had now become just one of them.
The White House was in disrepair
as leaks oozed out from everywhere.
All around were phone call buggers
when what they needed were good pluggers.
George W. considered him a chum
and how could poor Robert not succumb?
He was handed info cherry-picked
and it dawned not on him he�d been tricked.
He played his cards close to his chest
and his editor did not keep abreast,
He was gathering all that he could muster
for inclusion in his next blockbuster.
He had once reported all the news
but now felt he could pick and choose.
He would decide which well-cooked brownie
to feed to editor Len Downie.
He appeared with awe-struck Larry King
who allowed him his own praise to sing.
His methods, once investigative,
had now become accommodative.
When asked if he felt any blame
for keeping mum on Valerie Plame
he denigrated the prosecutor
though some others called him a straight shooter.
There are many who have grown quite leery
as every word of his they query.
Why some still pay to hear him lecture
is only open to conjecture.
He no longer can be called a model
when all he says is now just twaddle.
But remember this, you who would berate him.
Bob�s still a reporter, though now verbatim.
The Bob Woodward Story, Part II,
or Bob�s State of Denial
(written in October 2006)
Quick, finish dinner! At the TV we must look
to hear Woodward plug his latest book.
It�s easy to learn Bob�s point of view
for he�s on the networks, and on cable too,
As we wait for his findings to be revealed
we hope that nothing will be concealed.
Will he throw any light on that odd love affair
between George Bush and Tony Blair?
When he sits face to face with 60 Minute�s Mike
it�s awesome how they are so alike.
It�s hard to decide whose demeanour is sternest
as they prepare to discuss the book in earnest
No levity here, no how are the folks?
But we are all aware it�s no time for jokes.
Have such austere expressions been seen before?
Indeed they have, on Mount Rushmore.
So we anxiously wait and with bated breath
for Bob�s disclosures, we hope in depth.
What will he tell us? What can we expect to learn?
What inside stories that might cause concern?
He addresses Wallace in ponderous tones
as on and on and on he drones
with that steady and unblinking gaze
and then pauses for Mike his words to praise.
As he gives all his phrases the self-same stress
it�s not easy their importance for us to guess.
Could anyone ever consider terrific
a delivery best called soporific?
Once he decided his reporting role to abdicate,
Was when Woodward began to pontificate.
Now, should he find things get too hot at home,
he could always hop on a plane to Rome.
Newsweek says he knows how to excavate
but that claim leaves room for much debate.
We recall how he lauded Bush�s �moral determination�
leaving none in doubt of his open admiration.
But wait! What is reaching my disbelieving ears?
The sound of Bob as he again changes gears?
Can he really be saying that his erstwhile cronies
Are nothing more than a bunch of phonies?
He swears that Bush has been known to lie,
and says things in Iraq have gone awry.
So it�s obvious that he�s now jumping ship
and has learned how to do a pancake flip.
We�re mesmerised by his asseverations
and dumbstruck at his aberrations.
Is he telling us that he has seen the light
in the book that he took two years to write?
Alas! What he serves us is reheated hash
when what we expected was a hot news flash.
So what may we get when the Post�s straight shooter
again hits the keys of his laptop computer?
Will he tell us that tomorrow the sun will rise?
That Polaris is seen in Northern skies?
That Cheney�s is not the steadiest hand
when he picks up a gun while he�s still half canned?
Will he discover that Halliburton steals,
charging millions for non-existent meals?
Will he say Condi continues with her to�s and fro�s
the reason for which God only knows?
Will he warn us the CIA makes mistakes?
Or tell us Laura is good at baking cakes?
Will he say the Intelligence Service we cannot trust
or drop another such nugget to leave us nonplussed?
There is one question I feel I have to ask
and hope that I�ll not be taken to task.
While Rummy�s stuff may happen, or perhaps may not,
for how much longer must we endure Bob�s tommy rot?
As I wondered what became of the Bob I once admired,
and, like many, whose footsteps to follow had aspired,
I realized I�d overlooked a significant factor,
That the Bob I was thinking of -- is Redford, the actor!
"Red Historian says: Blah, blah, blah...Dubya was teh GREATEST presodint EVAR!!!"
It's too bad that most republicans are so damned blind when it comes to their own party. george w. bush is by far the worst president in American history. We'll be digging our country out of the hole he put us in for decades to come. Anyone who voted for him should be ashamed of themselves.
Which is really alarming, considering George (the W is implicit) Bush was president in the 21st Century.
Joseph Stalin killed about 30,000,000. This is HISTORICAL FACT. But you ask any college student who the worst leader of the 20th century was, you get George Bush.
The author of the book with many college students in tow is an idiot, and an ass... And quite frankly doesn't deserve mentioning in the quality publication of The Pitch.
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