Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
How to Live With a Bitch
Author: Legendary coot George Leonard Herter
Date: 1969
Publisher: Herter's, Inc., a Minnesota sporting goods outfitter now distributed through Cabela's.
Discovered at: Half Price Books, Westport
Representative Quotes:
"All facts show that many women have built-in traits to nag, bitch, insult, try to be cruel and try to be demanding. Such traits, of course, cause much divorce. Again a woman is not exactly like a Canadian goose, she does not intend, in the vast majority of cases, to mate for life." (page 59).
There's crap and then there's bullshit.
In the first 50 pages of this pioneering achievement in all-American jack-assery, George Leonard Herter decries the pill as "racial suicide," insists that logic tells us that the nine unmarried apostles had to be masturbators, claims that men are a fine wine but women a whiskey ("The more they age the worse they get"), and offers this explanation for why the bitches that men marry crab so much:
"Murder through continual stress situations is not difficult for some people. Watch out for this in selecting a mate."
Once I mopped my blown mind off the tarp I spread about my desk for such occasions, I put the book down and got to Googling. Come to find out, this cranky sumbitch is considered an American treasure.
Just ask the critics at niche publications like Field & Stream (they called him "an eccentric genius"), the Minnesota Fishing Blog ("isn't quite as misogynistic as it sounds"), and the New York Times ("one of the greatest oddball masterpieces in this or any other language.")
Impressive notices for the man who wrote, "The jeweled engagement ring is quite recent and was created by Jewish jewelers to sell more rings and jewels."
That Times quote, from a warm appreciation by likable bookhound Paul Collins, refers to Herter's best-known work, the recipe book Bull Cook and Authentic Historical Recipes and Practices, justly celebrated on the better cooking sites for including "titty sauce yams." 
Herter's second most celebrated work: the thousands of excitable entries he penned for the Herter Sporting Goods catalogs in the 1960s.
That said, the shrill harangues of How to Live With a Bitch don't square with Collins' description of Herter as "a genius of straight-faced balderdash" and "a teller of tall tales."
Here, Herter rants joylessly against Catholics ("There is nothing wrong with Italians but there is with 400 years of Italian Catholic Church rule bought by murder, money and dirty power politics" ) psychologists ("far below a reliable witch doctor" ) and sometimes both at once :
"The Roman Catholic Church taught reincarnation for 300 years, castrated the boys of their choirs in Rome and put Castro to power in Cuba by supporting communism. I think their support of psychoanalysis will do more real harm than any of these things."If these are tall tales, Paul Bunyan was a John Bircher.
Herter's ire is especially provoked by women.
"There is nothing in the world so utterly disgusting as the woman who has used every trick in the trade all of her life to keep from having children, then wailing at menopause that she has no children."
But unlike the "careless Catholics," he doesn't oppose birth control in all instances.
"At puberty and through the teenages [sic] your strongest desire is to have sexual intercourse with almost any girl who will lay still long enough to let you. You can get a girl pregnant very easily if she wants you to. ... Either use contraceptives or have sexual intercourse with a girl you wouldn't mind marrying."
So, this is less a rustic lark from the Times's lovable crackpot than it is a sour belch from a sour man. Thankfully, some lighter passages do read like a put-on.
"The problem of a woman's lack of sex enjoyment or sex frigidity ... was actually solved and described in detail way back in the days of the Greek philosophers. All it takes is a little exercise of the right muscles to start female sex enjoyment. Just pretend that you are going to urinate, then don't. Do this for an hour or so a day, or less if it takes up too much of your time, and your problems will soon be over."
And occasionally, a flight of fancy justifies Collins' insistence that Herter resembles "John Hodgman, but with a gun."
"In the whole history of the world only two women were able to become even fairly well-known painters. Some women can learn to play the piano fairly well. Well-known women cannot compose lasting music. Women are different in more ways than just sex. Women can hold their breath for 2 1/2 minutes and descend and work in water 45 feet deep, men cannot."
But such jokes -- if jokes they are -- only sweeten the poison that Herter's recent celebrators ignore. By housebreaking Herter, by ignoring his xenophobic viciousness, they diminish the American spirit that they suggest he exemplifies. Collins glosses over the mean streak by describing Herter as "a surly sage," which cutens up the truth: Herter was touched by a peculiar greatness, but the dude was also a prick.
Key to being a Crap Archivist -- or an American -- is acknowledging such prickishness among our forebears while never losing sight of all that's worth admiring in them, too.
Shocking Detail:
What I admire most about Herter is his crazed dilettantism.
Purportedly a marriage guide, How to Live With a Bitch opens with twenty-odd dense, humorless, science-y pages explaining ovulation, pregnancy, and the functions of the sex organs. The book closes with an alarmed report of new missile technology and a short story about De Gaulle.
Herter even includes his own anatomical illustrations:
The birth of Beavis & Butthead!
Highlight:
And just when his meticulous description of the anovulatory menstrual cycle gets dull, he springs this doozy:
That's a joke, right?
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Can I just - if I may:
BITCH_GIRL, since you are clearly a lover of language:
xenophobia is a fear of 'otherness' or outsiders, usually referring to another nation, but is related to straight-up racism. See eg U.S. attitudes to Islam, British attitudes to France (and vice-versa).
I think you mean 'gynophobia' - fear of women.
Using the right words might help people understand what in pants name you're talking about.
Love factgirl
to king:this is god and i can tell u definitely that BITCH_GODDESS does not lay limp.BITCH is quite animated in fact.but that is something u will never know,cause i have her to myself.eat your heart out baby!!!!!KILROY STRIKES AGAIN!!!!
jjskck:
I'm with you right up till the end when you tell women what they should and shouldn't call themselves. Next are you going to tell them they can breathe underwater?
Bitch Goddess:
the funniest thing Alan found in the book is the line about how teenage men will have sex with any woman who will lay still long enough. Since you're a proud bitch, does this mean you just lay there limp when doing it?
Alright, alright...I've been called out. Fine.
jjskck says:
Given the time period when this book was written could it be possible that this was a way to minimize a woman's proclivity for bitching?
BITCH, please.
Was my two word response:
1. A humorous, polite request for you to engage in the activity for which you have a proclivity? (Bonus points to you for using the word correctly; super-double-bonus points to me for rhyming it.)
2. A direct reference to the screen name YOU CHOSE, followed by a dismissal of your argument that this book could possibly be anything but the work of a total friggin' nutjob a-hole?
3. A pop culture reference to the catch phrase of a short-lived but mildly amusing character on SNL's Weekend Update?
Could be all three! That's why it's funny AND intelligent. It works on multiple levels and utilizes the word "BITCH" as multiple parts of speech!
For someone who seems so proud to call herself a BITCH--hell, a BITCH DEITY, no less--you sure are quick to get defensive.
And a little P.S. to women: it's not cute to call yourself a bitch. It's not something to be proud of. Yes, you think it's empowering; yes, you think it makes people respect you...but by embracing that moniker, you're essentially just warning people that you're unpleasant.
re: the ref and rawlings:
you both got it right! More than willing and able to duke it out verbally with anyone. Oh and as if calling someone who already calls herself Bitch, Bitch was that intended to be insulting?(that question is for jjskck)
god says:well put daaaaaawwwling!Bravo!I personally love my BITCH_GODDESS.By the way any other bitch goddesses out there that would like to indulge in the ultimate three way bitch fest?If so,please respond ASAP.We'll all have a bitchin good time.(ROFL)
a great example of how you bitches twist history to suit your own liberal views is how you treated sarah palin--you only support women with your twisted sense of what defines murder and personal rights---if sarah had aborted her last child then you would have all swooned over her "choice". if you are so fanatical about equal rights then why not let the fathers of these fetus' have a say in the matter? let the male in on the "choice"---let the male who is forced to support the "choice" if you give birth also get to choose life or death---why not retain your "choice" post-birth--so, when little juniorette displeases you--you can snuff their beating heart out..hypocrites and bitches are synonomous---has anyone ever considered that we as a country would not have 30 million illegals working here if bitches had not chosen to murder their "choices"---
just choose murder is your mantra--
To BITCHGODDESS & jjskck,
You are cordially invited to my apartment on any non-full moon evening this spring to settle your differences.
On that day I will not run my floor heater, and I have just written my landlord about replacing these obnoxious fluorescent lights
Also, outside the atrium there's a pool exactly 45 feet deep. Upon entering the premises, BITCHGODDESS will be asked to descend to the bottom and remain there for 2 1/2 minutes to certify she is a woman.
I will do my best to stay out of the way while creating a setting that minimizes your proclivities for being a dick or pitch. I mean bitch. Yeah, bitch. I did mean dick too. I spelled it right the first time.
Wow, jjskck. You've been called out by the best. Caps lock engaged and ready to strike, right bitch goddess?
to bryce:now you are learning to true power of the Force,young Padawan.(deep darth vader breathing)perhaps the book should be updated for contemporary use(lol)
The reason this book is crap is that nothing i n it looks like it will actually help me improve the domestic situation i have mith my bitch.
TO JJSKCK ARE YOU ATTEMPTING TO BE FUNNY?PERHAPS INTELLIGENT? IF SO YOU HAVE FAILED MISERABLY ON BOTH COUNTS.
Given the time period when this book was written could it be possible that this was a way to minimize a woman's proclivity for bitching?
BITCH, please.
Studies in Crap usually attracts a higher order of commenter than this. Please don't let it become another online cesspool of misspellings and reactionary politics.
by the way does the pitch have any openings for an awesome writer(BITCH_GODDESS)and a phenomenal research specialist(god)?i'm sure the pitch with its desire to have accurate,balanced reporting would be more than happy to employ such a diversified team.hey did you notice i spelled your publications name correctly and didn't use the word bitch.see i'm already improving.
Did anyone including the author of this feature even bother to notice the title??? "How to live with a Bitch", all of you are assuming that this publication refers to all women and that simply doesn't add up. By using the word "Bitch" the author is describing only certain women. And to the obviously literate individual who used the term xenophobe while I credit you with being able to use a thesaurus may I suggest you first consulate a collegiate level dictionary in the future. Any male person (the only one capable of being xenophobic) would NEVER live with ANY female! Xenophobia is a fear of any female, not just a human female but true xenophobes are phobic of all females of all species.
Now that my little lecture on the proper use of the language is done lets continue.
Only an idiotic person would claim that she is NOT a bitch! All women are bitches, it just depends on the circumstances. And on the flip side all men are dicks to.However I agree with the statement that some women are just hard wired to bitching! No matter what their man (lover, husband, etc.) does its never good enough. Just ask these their men.
Given the time period when this book was written could it be possible that this was a way to minimize a woman's proclivity for bitching? Even the most jaded femmi-nazi would be hard pressed to disagree with the statistical data proving that men and women during this time period did not co-habitate prior to marriage by and large. So may I postulate a theory? That this book was designed for men that had married women that turned out to be bitches and was designed to convey a certain level of levity in dealing with their living conditions? While I personally disagree with some of the statement, I.E. floor heaters I do not have enough empirical data to discredit the statement as a whole, nor does the author of this review. However there is many documented instances regarding the effect of the full moon and aggression.
As a reporter myself I find it abhorrent that the columnist is throwing the proverbial baby out with the bath water.
Yes, I know its a feature piece, with a certain level of levity conveyed. But when a writer attempts to use data as a way of disregarding a statement then ALL data should be considered and used.
the colonel is right.just reading some of the the tidbits from this review is hysterical and refreshing.in a society that has blackballed men for the last 50 years i find it ironic that anybody would find it offensive(lol).the gay ,celebrate diversity crowd at the bitch,ooopppss,i mean the pitch.always is writing and extolling the virtues of open mindedness,tolerance and all that other feel good crap,until somebody comes along and challenges your politically correct, apologetic non-sense and then all the sudden you give a scathing review because it doesn't fit into your world view of so called "tolerance".the bitch,sorry i mean the pitch has done very little real reporting in the true sense of the word.i know and have done my own independent research on the so called news reports that you have ran and have found many instances of bias inferences with your language and sentence structure,misrepresentation of the issues,and generally bad reporting.see it's what you don't say that is disturbing.the om mission of facts and oppositional point's leads people to come to erroneous and miscalculated conclusion's.the bitch(damn,so sorry about the typo)is at the best a tabloid rag reeking with sensationalist bullshit.For example you would never dare run a truly dispassionate feature about volunteer BLACK CONFEDERATE SOLDIERS that fought in our colossal struggle in the war against Northern aggression.celebrate diversity my ass.even though there is copious amounts of data demonstrating this fact.(VOLUNTEER BLACK CONFEDERATE SOLDIERS)I will continue to publicly debunk and expose your so-called journalistic endeavor with the full disclosed and accurate TRUTH.have a nice day baby,KILROY WAS HERE!!!!!!!!!
)
It's Marvel Comics greatest What If!
"....WHAT IF Philip Larkin wrote for a catalog ..... and didn't keep his views to himself ......wasn't all that talented???"
Face forward, true believers!
If I remember right Delores Claiborne said it herself written by a man(STEVEN KING) Being a bitch is sometime all you have..ha ha. I enjoy the quote from Alan There's crap and then there's bullshit. And How to Live with a Bitch is BULLSHIT..A BUNCH OF IT. The Colonel is right in a way alot of books and people are apologetic these days. But he must live right down the street on Dumbass Blvd from George Herter on Bullshit Lane. By the way did he know when our periods come on we tend to bite and cause mass infections in everyone. Especially when the full moon is out. Damn Fool..But funny..
$275 on Amazon right now. Mr. Crap archivist, you should just scan the whole thing for us.
I bet it's a collectors' item because of page 83 alone: "Divorce Rates in Minnesota."
I just confirmed my bid of $735 just for that nugget alone.
Ali, "How to Live With a Bitch" does seem to be a collector's item. Mine cost $36, the most I've paid for any single Studies in Crap find. As it is a source of constant inspiration to me, I have no plans of e-baying it.
Colonel, why did you destroy Elvis? Maybe you'll explain in your own memoir, which I eagerly anticipate archiving.
I still can't decide if this whole thing is a joke. The book runs for hundreds of dollars online so I know that's real but was the author actually doing some kind of John Hodgman satire?
I thought that "How to Live with a Bitch" was the most bat-shit crazy thing in the Crap Archives until I read the colonel's comment.
The colonel must like the dependability of the Rabit pregnancy test over thos stupid drug store + or - tests.
Where exaxtly are the Graafian folicles?
I feel dumber for reading this article.
this guy's writing isn't any more far-fetched than any of the modern teachings concerning issues like slavery--abortion or the war on terror. in this era of apologists and politcal correctness it is refreshing to read some uncensored offerings from a kook. the funny part is how upset you phony fucks get when they are confronted with such opinions.
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